The sudden empty feeling in my gut
That once held so much promise
The overwhelming sadness every time my period arrives with the searing reminder that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stop the blood
Watching my body revolt the only good thing to come into my life an feeling so betrayed
trying so hard not to be spiteful of those whose babies are happy and healthy
laying in the hospital bed begging to god to please just let my twins make it
feeling all I had worked for slip through my fingers like sand.
they may have just been an A and a B but god to me it was so much more.
they were the sun finally breaking through the storm clouds.
I was supposed to be their protector  
but I found myself so drained from the pain
praying for it to just end
but the hours dragged by
not even being able to look at myself, with the guilt that it was my fault tainting every once hopeful thought.
It was not my fault.
I did everything right
Changed my life for them
the hope in my eyes emptying down my cheeks
But they came an went
like the tide at dawn almost as soon as they had arrived
the most beautiful specks I have ever seen.
they showed me how strong I could be an hugged me inside out
I know they would have been proud to have a mommy like me.
the baby commercials that used to bring such excitement an joy
now just bring sobs.
and the rifts created between those who just cant understand
with the friendly advise to just keep it quiet since "no one will
believe you if you tell them anyways"
the shame that comes when I passed someone who knows
feeling like a failure.
fighting back tears as people who do not know ask how my babies are coming along.
I  do not know what I did to deserve this, but I know someday when the time is right.
they will be back
to heal the wounds left by unspoken goodbyes.
or at least that is what I keep telling myself.