i am angry
they told me who i'm supposed to be
i am not who they wanted in their world.
i am anything but pure
i am anything but sweet.
i am your worst nightmare.

my hands numb,
my legs shaking, toes tapping,
you asked me what i wanted to be.
well what the hell, i haven't the slightest,
i've never really thought about
the person i wanted to become.
"someone everyone loves"
but what does that ever accomplish?
what if no one ever learns to love me the
way that they're supposed to?
but how is anyone supposed to love me anyway.
what if i'm already doomed?
I'm already in the mix, i'm already set up to fail.
so then, you ask me; "who are you?"
silence.

in the spur of the moment,
my eyes widened.
i reminisce of every time i thought
i was doing something because it was me.
i think of every single time you lectured me,
asking what i was doing with myself.
i think of the times my parents were disappointed,
and all of the people I've let down.
I thought they'd hate me, but they didn't even care.
no one ever really gave a crap what i did,
but I, all too much of their actions.
and for what? look where it landed me.

I'm so upset with myself.
I'm supposed to know these things.
I'm supposed to know who i am.
I'm supposed to know what this body contains,
I'm supposed to know what my heart can give,
and what my mind believes in.
but i just don't.
at least not now.


who was i when i popped those pills,
willingly broke through my skin to feel the pain.
who was i on New Years 13 shots in,
kissing that cute boy who's name escapes me.
who was i when my parents divorced,
who was i when i no longer had a family.
when i got my license, or graduated high school.
who was i when you looked me in the eyes and told
me you loved the girl i used to be.
who is the girl i used to be?

if this is the coming of the storm, then someone tell me,
because here i am, 19 years into my life
not knowing one single thing about myself.
not knowing what to feel,
only because at this very moment, i have to think.
i have to give definition to myself
when before, it all rolled off my tongue,
like i read my fate on a gum wrapper.

you never did notice my shaking legs, or my pale face.
you never did see right through me. oh this is easy to fake.
i put my hands together and said "i am myself"

although i had no idea who that is.

but i know i am angry,
i am not pure,
i am not sweet.
i sure as hell am not "myself",
whoever that may be.