It will happen someday
but I'm not looking forward to it
because all I've ever seen
in regards to love
is manipulation and abuse
and being guilted and used
and I don't want to be on either side of that.

you told me I was in love
I was too young to know
that the second the back of your hand
met my 13 year old face
I should've left
but hearing bottles break in my head
from my empty, numb childhood
convinced me to stay instead

I got too close too fast
and started to feel trapped
under the weight of keeping you happy
I contorted myself into something I'm not
stopped letting myself open up
I spit venom at your feet
and walked off
to afraid to look you in the eyes
too numb to say goodbye

I didn't get that close
in the few months we had
but enough to trust you and tell you ****
then feel the burn like acid in my chest
when I left temporarily
and you left, period.
After, of course,
letting me buy you a plane ticket.

I never got close to you
I clarified that that's how
this was supposed to go
but I could see the way you looked at me
in the aftermath of ***
and heard you call me beautiful
so I left...
now I think of us in bed
and cringe, still full of regret

I can feel myself getting close
in the sense that when I leave
I want you to want me to stay the night again
you make me feel protected
and the feeling of that alone
isn't something I expected
and in fact it scares me to death
I keep waiting for it to get ******
but so far, nothing
(convince me to leave).

you used me as a punching bag.
you used me for attention.
you used me for money.
you started to love me.
you...still unclear.
all I know is that I've never felt
textbook style love
without the undertones
of intense apprehension
and fear of the unknown
honestly,
I'm scared as ****