To anyone who has cared,
I'm sorry I leave you with this burden upon you now. To bear the weight of another lost cause. I am sorry I left you with so much mess to clean up. Clorox removes the blood, but the image is still there, isn't it ? I could apologize for everything, even by existence truly. But I am tired. I have exhausted all that was in me. My soul is tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of trying to please everything, and everyone. I am tired of being who you want me to be, I am tired of being misunderstood. Of having no one care enough to pull me back in when I needed it most. You made it obvious tonight, that you were tired of me. Tired of me, and my emotional baggage. Of my demons, of my problematic life. Trust me, I dont blame you. Anyone would have exhausted faster than you did. You pushed til it was evident, you were running on your last bits of sanity. I am sorry, I did everything I promised that I wouldn't do. I've made it harder for you; although so many times, I've tried so so much harder to make it so much more easier. I always failed. One of the many things I was never good at. Although, I'm staring at my screen, the luminosity hurting my eyes, wishing you'd try and push and care. I put myself in this position. I lied and said I was okay, I wasn't. I was breaking, being torn apart into pieces so unrecognizable. I was crying, I was heaving, and you pushed. I saw, but I pushed back. And i guess, Sweetheart, I guess that you simply couldn't take it anymore. I dont blame you. I'm horrible, a mess. You deserve better. A girl who would sing you lullabies with her smooth soft voice. Someone who threaded easily and gracefully. Rather, not a person who cried and screamed in agony because of her own personal torment. Not a girl born with two left feet, so clumsy I was in everything. I say was, and not am, because all I feel now is the dying embers of a soul that once was. And not is. All I feel is the ashes of a life that could have sprouted vibrantly and beautifully, but rather allowed the weeds to consume her. You were never one for poety, and I guess you'll never understand what I say, would you ? I guess I could apologize for that too. Even when I'm gone I'm confusing you, causing worry and doubt and hurt. What a sad excuse of a life, right ? I'm sorry I let you in so much, only to bring you so very down. I should have saved you from the fall. Who knows, you might just never read this. And all my words, my inconsistent, depressive ***** would be lost to times. I am a waste. A sad shell of a girl, a ghost of a pretty face. I left you without a warning, without a whisper. Without a sound. Im sorry my love, for the incomparable grief that I have ensued to your sensitive soul. I hope you do find someone better, I hope she treats you like I should have, like I couldnt have. I could have heard you said, I pushed you away, it was my fault. But you just wouldn't understand how depressing it could get. How ******* sad I felt. I haven't talked to anyone in the past 3 days. I lied when i said it was just today. I lied because you had exams. Maybe one day, you'd find this, and you'd hate me even more for the fact that yet again, she's hidden something from you. Yet again, I have lied.
I'm sorry.
Maybe the ***** would hit my veins before I do. Maybe the meds would.
And maybe, you'd be happier eventually without me around.
I'm sorry love. I'm sorry.
And maybe you'd figure out that I'm gone when you're done taking your space as well.