I'm high
So high
So high I barely feel the alcohol
So high my teeth are grinding into each other, I can hear their gnawing bone through my skull...
So high I'm flexing in-&-out of 5 of cups/5 of swords feels
In-&-out of 9 of cups/ace of cups feels
I don't want to sleep
I'm not sure if I want to speak to anyone, yet the thought that everyone is dead to the world makes me slightly sad
I wish I had a body like an instagram model. I wish I had an unlimited supply of molly.
Now I wish I had a car.
I'd drive 80mp into the middle-of-not-here
I'd listen to jointy, artful goth techno.
I'd continue to wonder if there is anything to patch up the hole inside-just right.
My head-space searching for things to sew in the fear or guilt.
Your peers think you're a ******* freak.
They think youre a toxic idiot.
They think youre homely and annoying.
Drive faster.
You don't give a **** what they think!
You know that if any of these people, that hardly know you-think any of that. It's exaggerated and unimportant.
Turn the volume up.
Nothing is real. Really.
Everything is a choice and decision.
You're deciding to be happy. Better than ok. Better than anything.
Thousands of days spent before. Rocking backnforth. In your bed. In the corner on the floor. The bathroom at work.
None of this terror is news. And none of it was ever enjoyable. So why the **** do you entertain it?
You remember joy. Peace of mind.
You're in control.
I really like this song. Volume higher. Alone in the boondocks. I'm alone in the darkness. The only sign of life my heartbeat&breath.;
terror to rejection. Always glancing over your shoulder. To maintain perfection. So you don't get clipped. So no one else abandons or abuses you.
You keep your heart in plexiglass.
Cloud your eyes from the opportunity to be vulnerable.
But can you trust?
I pull away. To discern contrast. To discern how I really feel.
You still choose a plan B. You can't seem to release that.
You need to find your self love. Recover it. That which has been taken from you-before you had the chance to cultivate it.
Self certainty.
I need the potion. So I never forget this cyclical pep talk.
I keep looking for that potion in *****, drugs. Positive reinforcement from others, outside of myself.
I'm so high. I need...
I need....
I'm alright.
I'm ******* happy.