I had a dream once
You kissed me
Laced your perfect little big bony
Fingers around mine
You picked me up
I looked in your eyes
And saw my home
Your perfect little big blue
Ocean eyes
And you felt like home
Warm and perfectly cool
Safe and dangerous
And my heart
Felt too content to stand it

Now I just lay on your chest
And listen to your body
Looking at my hand in yours
Feeling torn
Because my home can never be mine
You love one thing
I love another
And that's not acceptable
I'm a mess
I don't care
I want you
I want to be trapped inside you
Inside my perfect little world
My home

Safe in your walls
Safe in your perfect little big walls

I feel too much to contain
I won't let you know
Friends
Friends who do this
Because we can't do anything else
So I do this
Hoping fearing
One day you will find this
Find me

I take a deep breath
It's too fast
I'm not slowing down
Because  I  l o v e  y o u
Words I have been angry at
But now they apply
You laugh
I roll my eyes
You lure me without doing a thing
Your sad sappy glance
The secret kiss when you leave me
And go into an unknowing
Reality
The smell of your
Chest. Your lips. Your hair.
I look at every part of you
The way you pull me in
The way your lips form simple words
The way your eyes get soft
As you take me in too

I sleep
Content and fearless
Because In that moment
The world does not exist
Just us
Just your grasp on my waist
Just every little thing about you
Tearing my heart apart
As I look at you
And I can't tell you

I am a pit
You left me an emotionless object
All my life
Is gone
All my confidence
Is gone
All of my will
Gone

My reason to smile at little things
The constant subconscious beaming
The sweet smelling secrets
****** out of me
With a vengeful heartless twist
Of the sharpest dagger of all
The words that I swore
Would never be formed from your lips
That once loved me so tenderly
Or so I thought

I find myself driving at night
Fighting a war
But then I realize
I'm a pit

I know I love you because
When I'm not thinking of you,
The way your mouth is shaped
When you're confused
The way your tongue dances
When you laugh
The way your shoulders move
When you run towards me,
I feel broken

Why would the grass
Smell so sweet in the spring
Why would the sun
Shine with so much similarity
To your eyes
If you weren't mine

My heart has long stopped caring
About life's little trials
And is now
Completely broken for you
So, yeah, I know I love you

Scraping its way up my throat
A scream that needs to be muffled
But instead I force it to
Into my heart

The anger it will be stored
And added to my collection
A ticking time bomb
Of moments of realization
That the world is unfair
And you are not welcome in mine

I let these feelings brew
Because if I let them out
Ten times that amount
Will find their way back
Into my heart

Remember when I laid in bed
with tears running down my cheeks;
The pain was too much to handle, because how could the sun shine without you next to me?
Or when I would drive at night
Drifting toward your neighborhood;
Looking for a distraction from the constant reel of memories of things that never would?
Or when I saw you never cared
not even from the start?
You don't because you're back;
you seem to think you've never harmed me when I'm still torn apart.

Will I ever be more to you than a piece of flesh and bone? Will you ever see that I loved you. I loved you.
I l o v e d you.