Where are you?
I don't mean
"where are you in the world?"
That is information that I know,
more or less.
What I really mean is
"where are you for me?"

I know you are in my head.
You don't go away,
but I can never find you.

And I know you are in my heart.
So why does my heart feel so empty?

As Christmas approaches I think
of absent friends.
Like you.

i am trapped in a body that is not mine

they say: what do you mean
they say: this body is yours

forgive me, for i do not know how to explain

how do you tell someone that there is a child inside your ribs
how do you tell someone that there are scars under your skin but you do not know where they came from
or how the morning sun hits your eyelids but you cannot see the light

i try to explain
and i say:
i was touched and claimed before i knew what it was to be claimed
i was his before i was mine
i was yours before i knew what that meant
i was public property before i learnt that humans are allowed to be private

i say:
there is a bird trapped in my throat and it chirps
there is a snake in my esophagus that is trying to escape
there is an elephant on my heart that longs for home
there is a burn on my arm from a forest fire, but i'm not quite sure how that happened
or which forest i was in
or who took me there
or when

i say:
he wolf-whistled me
or maybe i eve-teased him
or maybe he should have just ******* left me alone because i didn't ******* know what those words meant because i was ******* 5 years old

i say:
my ***** broke before i knew what a ***** was

i say:
my mother told me i was a woman and i cried

i say:
there is an itch in my mind that makes me want to pull out my hair

i say:
i am inside
this body
it is not mine
i am inside
this body

**it
is
not
mine.