Steady your hand against the rumbling of the tracks
Keep eyes focused on a moving goal
What people think doesn't matter but what you think they do does
Calm the waves around your boat
Smooth out the crumbling path ahead
Then run, bolt away,
Escape the current, whose drag is too strong
And hurry from here, this place of no choice,
Ignore the walls and they'll disappear
So sprint through them to reach your promised land -
- Your place for you.

Leaves flicker like static in the gasping summer sun,
The clouds are getting *****,
Bringing with them howls and hail,
But only a warning - for now - of months ahead,
For the leaves are still green,
The warmth just remains,
Clinging onto brighter times, the seasons frozen in place,
And soon out will come coats,
And with them hugs extend,
And hands linger in each other's,
For just a little longer,
These months ahead force us together,
Keep each other from the harsh chill,
As the elements become our elements,
Our fellows become our friends

Waiting, always, as I always have,
Once the suggestion floats across my mind,
Now it takes shape,
Becomes a hunger, a purpose,
To keep my heart busy,
So I replace my loneliness,
With the chance of its end,
A hollow promise to myself
That only she can fulfill,
But she will, I tell myself,
As I sit here and wait,
Wait for that clock to climb the second half of its face,
And to fall again into evening,
And into talking for hours
Along pointless tangents but still
With purpose: Another step, another moment.
Another smile, another laugh across her lips.

Something is...
I can't quite put a finger on it,
I'm grabbing where there should be a rope,
And I just fall.

I think I'm...
But I don't know where I'm aiming for,
I just walk in circles and turn back again,
And I'm bored.

The fire is...
I'm just seeing the same old scene,
And reversing my own footsteps,
What's it for?

My heart is...
Until I latch onto a brand new name,
That rests soft upon my tongue and,
Just for a moment,
I feel a pulse.

Through         
                 the door, a new house,
                      A new world to explore,    
              An invite into her life,
                        A glimpse at how she lives,
                I feel the floor and see
the walls,      
  Like I've been
   Trapped          
Outside          
And up        
the stairs,      
Another        
glance at        
      her existence,      
      These outfits        
     She never            
wore or          
hasn't yet,      
              The artwork                
             Never shown,            
The stupidly
precise efforts,
Just hidden away,
Then more stairs,
And rarer treasures,
Ink with so much meaning,
Those precious few kept tidy,
The unimportant left at random,
And already my mind calculates,
Deduces her habits and style,
But little matters more,
Than the words.

Another chance missed,
Another lost fight,
Yet somehow not all hope has passed,
My mind clings on to the hint of a retry,
But reality will not rewind.

Once again I blame myself,
Then turn to others,
When I know I did all I could do,
Only bitterness remains for those,
Who bested me without effort.

Such resentment in me,
Sickening me,
Tugging at my stomach with guilt,
I should not hate them for their success,
But envy has control.

Sickness takes us strong,
Binding us to our limits,
But time and sleep heals.

You illuminate the fading hope,
The growing darkness forced away,
I was blind, going in circles,
I know it won't work out,
But I want to try anyway.

I'm drowning without you,
Under the ice the heavens are pierced,
Your eyes are my guides,
Override my instinct,
When your heart's beating near.

In my head I'm running,
Dreaming one day I'll find you're mine,
I want you to feel the way I feel,
If you just change your point of view,
We're brighter than the lights in the sky.

In an instant this space grows walls,
And their eyes fade from sight,
And the floor is stained
With the blood and memories of friends
I could have known.
And echoes of their voices,
Living in the wood.
And every imagined moment
We spent together
Becomes a last farewell.

Is this a new love?
Or just wishful dreams
Latching onto friends?
That skip in my heart
Is just part of my pulse
But if it beats faster when she'd around
Does that mean...?

No, not again, I won't let another
Friendship descend into brokenness
By my selfish desires.
But that's never enough,
Maybe it would work out this time,
And caring could grow,
No, I musn't.

I'm too young to understand
I'm too old to turn back
It's too early to give up
Too late to stay on track
Too strong to ask for help
But too fragile to survive
I'm too alive to not feel pain
But too dead to feel inside
I'm too trapped to believe
And too free to escape
I'm too safe to make a change
Too lost to find my way
I'm too close to let it go
I'm too far to see the light
I'm too calm to have the drive
And too angry to say it right
I'm too busy to take it on
And too idle to take a break
I'm too broken to be loved
But too loved to lie awake

Jumbling up body parts,
To find a new solution
To a bonkers problem
That never existed until
It hopped into my mind
And scattered away all logic,
Replaced by a childish dream,
A pointless exercise,
A useless creation,
But still such pride
In the randomness of my mind,
And such freedom to be found
In the limbs and eccentricities
Of a ridiculous beast
With no reality
But made real by me.

Shimmered clouds drip from green needles,
Hanging between the air,
Twisting to follow their jade guide,
And frozen in fine mist,
Clinging to each silver line,
Held in place,
Reinforced into shining wheels,
Soft as air, strong as steel,
Shaken by shallow breath,
A firm grip made fragile.

Blood on a tissue on a stone wall
Ripped to shreds before it starts to fall
Red stains
Reminder of pain
Leaves its trail on the crumbling archway.

Scratching words on ageing bricks
Hoping memories might stick
To the concrete
Hidden street
Where I meet my last decay.

For what will I be remembered
For the perfect life I dismembered?
Disgust
Turning to rust
Now I must submit my soul.

The devils watching with hunger in his eyes
That I can't breathe is no surprise.

I fade away,
Erosion, erases every trace of me,
The Latin says,
I will remain in the Earth.
My final day,
Decomposition, disgraces every grain of me,
If I would stray,
Then you will take my back to gaze at my inscription.

Run away,
Little fly,
Your wings can't help you now.

Run away,
Little spider,
Eight legs won't let you out.

Run away,
Little bird,
Your feathers aren't that strong.

Run away,
Little cat,
Your legs are not that long.

Run away,
Little beast,
You're not smart enough.

Run away,
Little girl,
His hands are far too rough.

Run away,
Little man,
You think you'll get away?

Run away,
Little king,
Your crown won't keep you safe.

Run away,
Little town,
I'll burn your hopes for free.

Run away,
Little monster,
Your teeth and fire don't scare me.

Run away,
Little god,
Your "wars" are little brawls.

Run away,
My children,
I pull the strings of you all.

Opinions formed on popular belief,
Uninformed campaigns,
Self-destructive protests,
An anger born from hatred that won't fade,
Right intentions fall prey to tricksters,
Success assumed too soon,
Life boiled down to laws that need to change,
But people are set in firmer stone,
And even when their petty arguments and outrage
Is chipped away, they cling on to their rock,
Judgement, greed, distorted views,
Cling like limpets to a ship's hull,
And shallow words barely nudge at their shells,
Our minds are set too soon,
Stubbornness fills us like concrete,
Holding back generations.

The tiles are a sky of blur,
Blending into fantasised colours.
My limbs are mere complications,
Ignored as my mind closes.
The pain in my head is fading,
Replaced with a numb sickness.
I am drowning in black air,
My muscles disobeying command.
I can't feel anything,
My nerves are protecting themselves.
My stomach is ripped to shreds,
And twisting in on itself.
Breaths are irrelevant,
I must remain...I must remain.

Close my eyes and that sea breeze
Becomes the gentle wash of air
Filtering through leaves
And I am sat in the shade
Of the tree I remember sheltering me
But I know that trunk no longer stands
Its branches are bent and dead
And half its leaves are down the river
But it does not matter
Now, I am there, and it stands

Waiting once more
The sun just awake
And bouncing off electric wires
Coated in night's rain

The time is drawing nearer
In this town so far from home
Never been before but leaving soon
I am completed to roam

So run away I must
As the whistling hiss nears
I abandon the foreign town
For the sake of future years

A tune in my head
A tapping of fingers
And feet grows stronger

Made up words
That made you cry
And laugh all at once

A love song
For a muse yet to come
And yet to care for me

A new anthem
For strangers to hear
And sing along themselves

Connections
Need rough edges
And a broken surface

So show my dark side
And know yours isn't so bad
And you're not the only one

Should I try to fly?
Is escape really worth it?
What am I fleeing if not myself?
If, then, I was free,
Would that make a difference?
Or would I carry my pain with me?

If I flew would rain still weigh me down?
Would the clouds obscure my view?
Would lightning strike my fragile wings?
Or, perhaps,
Would I breach the bounds of clouds?
And soar in constant light?

On what have I based my fear?
Some assumption of the dark of the human heart?
Are the forces I flee chasing me?
Or are they too,
Already within me, a fabrication as an excuse,
To cling onto the idea I am broken.

It is a comforting moment, when someone speaks with the voice in your head.
When another human being has complete, pure empathy,
To the point that they could be speaking from your notes.
To hear another not only agree but inhabit your view of life,
When anyone else would be afraid to take that place,
To know that these words are yours too -
How could any connection compare to that?
In that gilded moment when your voice is borrowed,
And used to perform miracles.

Blood rushing quickly, tickling the walls of my heart
A breath, a whisper, a shudder through my nerves,
A feeling, like a breeze through my chest.
Certainty, terrifying certainty
Here. Here is my home.
A place I've barely known for more than a snapshot of time.
Yet this place fell upon me like a roof above my head
And sheltered me like a blessing,
Here. Here I must stay

Gently closing, almost-sleeping,
Form outside: hurtling
Inside: breathing slow
A landscape scurries past
The distance lazy, foreground hazy,
Barely a whisper of light on the horizon -
Casting pink shadows on low clouds.
Those around are tired (like me)
But they have company to keep their eyes open
I myself am alone, though I sit by a stranger
I don't know their reasons
I know my own, I think,
I want a future, and for me, that future is far away
It is beyond the hills I can see
But not so far to be unreachable
So I sit and let myself be carried
Away.

Two half-slices of toast
Jagged edges cannot match
Crumbling at but a touch
Leaving tiny brown specks on a little plate
How pointlessly I examine the detail
Of two half-eaten slices
For no reason, no purpose
But that perhaps there was...
Something more important to be seen.

Friends, though I've never seen your faces
At least, not most of you,
And those I have, only through pixels
On one screen or another.

Friends, more so than any I'd known before,
A surrounding of arms,
Hugs and hands and words all ready
To hold me when I'm crying.

Friends, never looked at me like a freak,
Never judged for anything,
Never told I'm worthless or even
That I need to change.

Friends, what can I say?
My life was turned around by you,
You accidental saviours of my soul,
Between you, you performed a miracle,
Took me from the fringes of death,
To hope, happiness and comfort,
What can I say?
But thank you.

I've tried to write these words
Four times too many
But here: I tried my worst
Can't think of anything
To put in the postscript
And bury beneath its hollow notes.

I've racked through my brains
Until they were broken
I can't trust my own name
Or the things I've spoken
To send you the right way
Won't let another stray like me.

I can't keep my throat open,
It's closing up,
And I can't stop thinking,
It's not enough
To sing when I'm screaming
At nightmares I'm dreaming might go.

I can't offer you much
But angry souls,
And I know that won't mean much
When I'm gone
But you will keep living
The path you believe in
And that's okay.

So here's my take: empty words
Let you be my epilogue.

I am the words on a tomb
Escaping my end
I am a crack in the room
That I won’t leave again
I’m a mistake in the womb
Afraid to repent
I am delaying the inevitable

I am the salt in the wound
That messed with your head
I am the already doomed
Who won’t go to bed
I am the coal consumed
To dispose of the dead
I am delaying the inevitable

And I don’t know why I’m clinging on
So hard that my fingers are raw and bleeding
And I don’t know how I’m keeping on
Going when my life signs are no longer reading
But I’m desperate to ruin the rest of my life
That’s already rubble and dust
So I’m oiling my electrics and recharging my joints
So the short-circuits can run through the rust

I will keep going long after I’m dead
I will keep coming back after the memories are gone from my head
So visit grave and you’ll hear my laugh
‘Cause under the dirt I’m alive

I rip the blank paper - protecting the truth
Hidden words, soon to tell
Of more than formalities,
Of a line of light,
Bleeding out from a half-open door,
Unlocked and slowly beckoning,
For one foot forward, one finger on the handle,
And a gentle warmth on my face,
A hint on my lips: smile
Hope lies ahead, freedom,
A start.

Foundations fell centuries ago
We've been building sins
On brittle understones
We dug up the tombs of the best psychos
And they let us in to hell below

We carved our lives into hungry deaths
And then sold our souls
For sixteen breaths
Then we burnt our bones 'til there was nothing left
And we'd hide and we'd fight for a fateless step.

Stretch the world: wafer thin
Flatten reason, break us in
We are the children free of skin
Order falls; chaos wins

What's left of life is not much at all
But if my heart's still beating I will not fall
Our culture is worthless, our laws are too old
But my heart's still beating
My blood is not cold.

Contract, control, constrict the air is freezing
Deter, dement, deny my lungs from breathing
Fragile, freaking,
Phantom feeling, stealing
Souls from carcasses.

Shadows stalk a pilgrim
Through the dark I can't see
Their screams are invisible
My ears still bleed
Claws in my spine
Nails in my eyes
Dark is liberty

Distract, destroy, disturb the angels sleeping
Rough, reborn, restored the heaven's weeping
Hated, hurting,
Kingdom burning, turning
Back behind my back.

Unhinge, untie, undo the laws you're bound by
Rusted rules return until the dark dies,
Punished, paining,
Hell is reigning, straining
Hands around my neck.

How many fingerprints are ingrained between the cracks?
How many more were lost in the tides and storms decades back?
How long has such lonely metal hid as the world around it changed?
Was it lost, forgotten or just never seen again?

Did these words round its edge - now broken truth -
Hold meaning and memories or ignored in simple youth?
Are these patterns, barely seen, dead to the eye?
Or are they just waiting for someone to find the right light?

It rose beneath our feet,
A rock, a testament to days we lost,
It trembled with our hearts,
And shook us free from selfish dreams,
To fix our eyes above,
Below,
Around,
Outside ourselves,
To care about the colour of the sky,
Or the way grass smells in the morning,
Or the intricate patterns in an insect's wing,
And our horizon grew,
And fell out from our grasp,
And ran towards the sun,
Which began to rise in the mornings,
Set in the evenings,
And every so often,
Mingle with the structures of our own hands,
And we began to sing,
And dance,
And whisper sweet nothings,
And hush our hatred,
For want of innate love - that we'd forgotten how to find.

Turning of shadows,
By mechanical means,
Serrated edges,
Cogs, screws and strings,
Form fractals of unknown symmetry,
On eternally ancient masonry.

A screeching, a scratching,
Of claws on walls,
Of screams to escape,
Grinding of brutal doors,
Revealing boiling myth-born beasts,
Commencing destructive ritual,
Malevolent black-heart spiritual.

The voices scream,
Chaos reigns,
Angelic faith initiates,
Falling clockwork teeth,
Carving scars from perfect wings.

A suggestion of a flutter in the frail fibres of a feather,
Hanging from a whispered web of thread,
Is it breeze that disturbs the stillness?
Or perhaps the breath is that of a fantasty,
Ambitions painted on some hazy eyes,
Or songs woven in slumber,
Catching in the curves of a charm,
Gently nudging their way into reality,
For long enough to start the softest of ripples,
In a handmade dreamcatcher.

Letters, numbers, a list on a page
Absolutes that will not change,
These lines and dots are my future days,
Defined by database.

My stress, my fear, my falling apart,
My dedication to love and art,
My panicked tears, my shaky start,
My transcripted heart.

How could lives be no more than words?
How could a soul's journey be of no worth?
Can truth so complex have simple birth?
Build a binary world.

Tempted by my reflection
To scold and scathe myself
The suggestion planted in a dream
I am wrong, I am broken, I am weak.
A voice in my ear as I look at my hips
"Too narrow, you freak."
And if I listened, I'd think these clothes don't fit,
That my body is destined to disgust,
But instead I ignore, no, defy,
And shout "This is who I am!"
"I am a daughter of God,
of a mother and a father."
"I am a sister of my sisters."
"I am loved by too many to drown in hate."
"I am me, I am free to love and to dream."
"I am mine, I am alive and I am baptised."

A rush of wind down an ancient street,
Catches the folds of my dress,
Music captured from times now lost,
Floats between the carved beams.

I can feel the cobbles through my sandals,
And the heat on my covered shoulders,
Filtered between squashed-together roofs
Of pretty houses unchanged but for restoration.

There is no such thing as rush here,
The fastest pace is but a stroll,
Here getting anywhere is not the point,
Instead your eyes do the walking.

And now they wander across the flower baskets,
And the art and clothes shops,
That spill out onto the streets,
Bringing life to a tranquil town.

Legs
     shaking
            down
                  uneven
              spirals
          Hands
   gripping
coarse
     rope
          Feet
               searching
             for
purchase
           Eyes
             looking
                       for
                 their
           marks
    Rushing
when
    found
        security
            Hoping
          to
   reach
safety
      It's
         not
            much
       further
    to
leave
    that
       cave
             of
               descent.

Its eye locks on mine,
A tiny bead,
Resting between the smooth tiles of its skin.

Its head tilts towards me,
A flicker of tongue,
Swiftly tasting the baking air.

Its tail twitches to one side,
A wave down its length,
So precisely positioning the delicate limb.

Its body twists a little,
Toes spread apart,
As it clings to the sandy brick.

Its skin pulses,
Appearing like silk,
As each breath moves those scales beneath the sunlight.

A glistening stream of shining specks scatters down the sky,
A streak of hazy beauty, a backdrop for the stars,
And stars upon stars never seen, revealed in the clarity of distance,
Of isolation, freedom from the burden of structure,
Here, drifting between worlds, the heavens are open,
Their glory sprinkled onto the perfect canvas,
And in the trail of a burning rock falling to Earth,
The pure enormity of reality is revealed,
For behind each star lies another, further from reach,
Further from comprehension,
And behind that, the invisibility of a star so untouchable,
Not even a fragment of its existence has graced this majestic image.

Across those waves,
How romanticised in my mind,
So serene, so free of care,
The light filtered just right,
Over perfect faces,
Through beautiful trees,
Strolling down quaint lanes,
Exchanged smiles,
Eyes caught on each other,
For a moment that transcends language,
When all that matters is now,
Such fantasies,
But...perhaps?
Some fantasies come true, after all.
Time to find out...

Flames lick at my eyes
Leaving their vicious residue
Biting at the vessels
Bleeding out into view
Screaming! Screaming!
Water runs in futile attempt
To subdue the air as it scratches
With poison on its claws
And pain on its tongue
Burning! Burning!
The world is a haze
Corrupted before even meeting
My melting pupils
I'm shaking in purest agony
Crumbling, collapsing,
My only escape - darkness
Eyelids tight, hiding
The fragile white of my eyes
A short relief, but slowly
Burning through the door,
The fire does not end.

A voice I know so well
Words I wrote
Words that made me
Feel far too much
Like I'm falling backwards
Into the darkness I once
Swam through with eyes open
Staring as I drifted
As if in the distant depths
There might be some light
Some hope
Some dream worth chasing
Some reason to gasp at life
Like that last breath
Somehow
I could still sing along
And slip back into that water
But instead
I turn my head forward
And see filtering through
Hints of change
And a promise
An aim
A future to shoot for
To pull my arms into motion
And start swimming
Up.

Many years have passed
A host of dark dark nights
She was falling into despair
Cause she couldn't be
Who she wanted to be
And she was too scared to grow her hair
And as time went  by
She lived her lie
And learned to lock her feelings away
She was afraid and lost
Asking God
To take all her pain.

And he said:
"My child, you know I love you."
"You know I don't want you to fall apart."

He said:
"My child, I am with you."
"And I gave you the love in your heart."

He said:
"Daughter, my daughter."
"Your life is a work of art."
"So let them see."

There was a boy
Who used to play with boy's toys
Cars, trains, planes and making noise -
Just like the other boys.

He had a twin sister
Who used to play with dolls
He'd watch and sometimes
He'd try to join her.

But when he started school
There were so many new rules
And he had to stop playing with her.
So he played his part
And ignored his heart
So it would easy - could it be easy?

No, he was falling apart on the inside
On the inside he couldn't breathe
He tried not to show it on the outside
On the outside he was just he
It should be easy.

He hid it away, tried not to think
But he still made friends with girls
So much easier
But he didn't like pink.

And anyway, he wanted a girlfriend
So he had to stay a boy, he thought.
And so that was that
He had to stay a man, no choice.

But he heard this word
That changed his world
And made a future for him.
Girls could love girls
In that single word
It would be easy - could it be easy?

He didn't have to fall apart on the inside
On the inside he could be free
He started letting it out on the outside
On the outside he became she,
It should be easy.

Colour
Smiles
Together
All around
Surrounded
By love I never
Thought I'd find
By people who are
Somehow like me
People who get it
Eye contact is enough
To say:
"I'm with you"
"We're with you"
"You're with us"
You
How you are
On days like this
Perhaps we could do anything
Who could stop this love?
An unbelievable love
That shouldn't exist
But does anyway.

Over their shoulders,
Round their waist,
On their heads,
Painted faces,
Badges, flags, banners,
On display,
Unashamed,
And even in the air,
Resting on the breeze,
Confetti proclaims our song,
Our word,
Our anthem:
Love is love

Toys I haven't seen,
Since I was a normal six year old boy
Who'd play with boy's toys,
Or his sister's.

Songs passed down,
From my parents without meaning,
Their love for them inherited,
So we sang.

Two brought together,
Old friends reunited and up to old tricks,
Making old jokes that now,
I understand.

A union seems so distant,
For a girl like me, perhaps impossible,
But still I can dream,
And make plans.