I want to rip your heart out
I want to stuff it in my chest
I want to taste you everywhere
I want to see your thoughts
I want to hear you laugh
I want to be your everything
Every which way till it hurts
Until you find me
And I've made my home
Caged inside you

Sometimes it's almost how it used to be
And I forget about the question I'm too afraid to ask
We can go for days like that
Until something lifts and I'm right back here
Angry at being alone
Frustrated with myself for saying all the things I want to say to you inside my own head
Over and over
Conversations with hypothetical you

The heart that's sitting in my chest
Grows a little heavier with each breath
Falling down from its high place
Past my kidneys in a race
To see how far it can-will fall
Cause I don't need it anymore
I have my lungs
My thumbs, my spine
So I don't need that heart of mine
Just let it tumble, rock and row
Then fall out from me 'neath my toes
I'll step right over my stone-heavy-heart
Just happy it gave me a new fresh start

"I'm past the point of caring"
He said it so casually
The way you'd ask what's for dinner
Not really caring for the response

"I know. You have been for a long time," I said, equally as casual

Each witnessing, for the last however-long, the slow decay of our love

Personally, I mourn for us
Every day

The kind of mourning that hits between thoughts while folding laundry or sipping tea

I won't cry for us, I'm past that now
Not past caring, I may never be
Just this side of broken
Where I know what's coming but I'm prepared
Bracing myself for so long

I wish I believed in god. I could use the comfort, the certainty. I'm tethered to the earth in exactly one place. By one person alone. But the slack keeps coming. And in spite of the loosely waving line, I can see it starting to fray, as if stretched taught, until I'm out here all alone hanging onto this world by a single strand. I imagine the line god uses to keep hold of you can withstand much more than this.

Sunrise leaves you asleep
Me nervous at the imminence of what the day brings

Silence where there was none
Empty spaces gently cradling deleted joy
Waiting for life to begin again

But this place inside me that once held our future feels
Small and
                  Far away

Falling
Tumbling
Endlessly
Down

I'm powerless to halt its descent

So here I am silent

Wanting to ask if you still love me
Terrified I know the answer

My body is not the same
It hurts and I can't sleep long
I remember I used to sleep for days and days
Couldn't wake up if I wanted to
Dreaming vivid and wild things
I'm not sure when that stopped
But I don't dream anymore
And I can't sleep
And this body hurts me like I'm some kind of plague wreaking my havoc on its soft pink home