It’s so dumb when
a small thing turns
into what cracked the egg.
The egg is my brain.
Sometimes it’s a rude comment,
or an extra chore or payment
that sends me boiling over.

I wish I could ask
someone to grab cat litter
or salt for the water softener
just so I don’t have to.
Someone to make dinner
while I nap,
just once.
But the person who
has to do that for me,
is me.

The sun is setting.
Barely any cars are going by this Sunday evening.
I'm sitting at the dining room table feeling drunk and high and who knows.
Maybe I'll take a walk, or go lay down.
Right now I'm singing in an empty apartment.
For the first time I noticed the echo.
I need food, I need to sleep, maybe see someone.
Tomorrow I'll wake up and regret calling off and I'll remember what happened, still in belief.

There's an energy in the air in this town.
Who wants to work when the sun is beckoning you to come outside.

I'm more lost and confused then ever before.
I told my sister the plan to move and she had her reservations. The same ones I have.
She thinks I should stay in town and get the one bedroom apartment, and that my dog will be fine.
And then, because we got on the topic of how I deserve better in the relationship department, I told her about him.
I never have before.
I just told her about how I've got a crush and I like him because he asks about our family and makes me believe that not all men are the same.
She was surprisingly understanding,
but mentioned that I should think about that because if I were in love, I wouldn't have a crush. And she's right.
So I brought up how I don't want to go through with this moving plan anymore and I want to change it to my boyfriend and he of course disagreed. He spent the next hour or more texting me and trying to convince me I'm wrong. But now I think even more that I'm right.
Honestly, right now I want to tell him to move in with his friend, I'll move into the one bedroom. Idk who gets the dog, but, I don't want to do what he wants to do, so let's just do what we want separately.

I wake up at 5:20
after snoozing the alarm
and the lamp clicks on.
I grab a Redbull from the fridge
and get dressed.
Do my hair,
brush my teeth,
feed the cat.
I get to work early enough
to sit in my car for abit
and then clock in.
I build all of my units
and then go home in the
sweltering heat.
Take a shower,
check on Cat.
Make dinner and watch
my favorite podcast.
Then for dessert I take
3 of my anxiety/sleep meds
and wait for them to
do their job,
so I don’t feel this heart break
and instead go to sleep.

The devil has fake red hair
because she’s too scared to accept
the beauty of time.
The devil puts off a perfect exterior,
a seemingly perfect person.
Until she ***** the love of your life
and then pretends to be your friend
the next day.
The devil is a coward who will
never say sorry.

I’m scared.
I always have been.
I knew from a young age that the world
was cruel and unfair and I never wanted
to be a part of it.
I never saw myself being part of it.
Until he came along and made me feel safe
like he would protect me from
whatever the great IT is I’m afraid of.
I don’t like to admit that I am so familiar
with fear, so I pretend to be brave.
But I’m scared.

I used Bukowski's back
as a makeshift table,
and packed one to smoke.
I hit it a couple times,
only setting it down to text him back.
It's a chilly Friday night.
It's the first time I've felt Fall
this year.
A cool steady breeze blows
in my bedroom window,
and he tells me
I love you.

Somehow it’s so easy to lose track
of myself.
Don’t seem to notice until it’s too late
that it’s been awhile since I’ve been okay.
So I’ll search for new music,
go thrifting
and start a skin care routine.
Read a book and spend some time alone
and slowly I’ll start to feel like myself again.

I ruined a good day.
My stupid brain caught on fire
and it burned down everything
around me.

I think I might do it tomorrow.
Not tonight because it's too late and I want to get some sleep.
I might tell him I developed a crush on someone else and that it's left me confused, and I don't know what I want.
But I want to be alone this week.
I want him to go stay somewhere else so I can have the house to myself to figure it out, figure myself out a bit.
But I'm scared.
Of how it will make him feel, and of how he might react.
But I have not cheated. I haven't.
I just feel something for someone else that I should only feel for him.
And I can't go on pretending anymore.
It makes me sick to my stomach and depressed and so utterly confused.
Maybe I'll chicken out by the time I wake up, but I hope not.
I don't want this to go on any longer.
I can't take it anymore, I want to be honest, I want to put myself first.

I have your old Florida
license plate propping open
my bedroom window.
I got a fan sitting in front of it.
The sound reminds me of you
or maybe just now it does.
I can’t seem to stay away from you
and I hate to admit it but it’s
makin me confused
because you can’t seem to stay away
from me either.
Somehow I knew you were going
to call.
Just a matter of time.

Something changed
yesterday.
I don’t see the bridge
anymore.
It’s covered under a
thick and unwavering
fog.
I know it’s still there
somewhere.
Hidden beneath
hurtful words and
tears.
They say the weather
can change at any moment
so maybe I’ll just
keep standing here.

I am now that girl who
ends up leaving something behind
My shoes, an ear ring, a bra,
and a hoodie.
A half pack of cigarettes and
a Vuse vape pen.
A small amount of ****.
I don’t know when it happened.
After I started drinking more often,
after he left me and I can’t
seem to remember where anything
is anymore.
And after all,
I was left behind too.

If you were a ladybug and I was a ladybug
we could hangout on a strawberry together.
❤️

You will never have to ask
what it feels like to be madly in love,
if you are.
You will feel it in every atom of your body.
The air will feel soft,
the sun will always shine even on
a rainy day,
and you will begin to greet everyone
with a real smile that you'll notice
You've been wearing all day.
You'll forget about all the time you spent at work,
because you were day dreaming about that person the whole time.
Being madly in love is manic,
and honest,
and endless.

When women with kids
ask me about not wanting
to have some of my own,
I respond with an answer
that’s something like,
I enjoy my freedom.
But what I really mean
is on Thursday after a tough
shift I was able to
have enough drinks
to make me feel like
life is worth living again;
while listening to
90s pop on full blast
in the house in which
I live alone.
And there is no one
to tell me I shouldn’t.

Sometimes the sun peaks through
on a rainy day.
It creates a beautiful shadow of the blinds
on the opposite wall.

And sometimes all you can do
is make chili spaghetti for the third
time this week and go to happy hour
on a Wednesday.

There are many reasons why I love him,
but the reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him for a week after we met was because he could really make me laugh.

I realized it the first time when we were sitting at a Waffle House at 2 in the morning and we were talking like two old friends and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
I knew I wanted to keep feeling like that.

Lucky for me, he did too.

My dad came over yesterday to fix my garbage disposal.
I think he could tell by the lack of smiling and my tone of voice that I was upset.
So he asked, "how have you been? How are things with that guy you were hanging out with?"
I replied, "there's nothing left to say about that, but I'm pretty bummed out."
He told me he's sorry and if I want to talk that he's around.
I just said thanks and hugged him.
I don't want to talk about it anymore. I have talked about it so much that even I'm sick of it.
I hate that I even mentioned him to my parents, I waited 6 months before I ever did and that was a mistake but I used to think he was worth bringing up.
Oh how wrong I was.

I’m embarrassed of my life.
I’m getting fat because I spend every dollar I make on food,
I work less than 4 hours a day cleaning toilets.
I get drunk and cry about the same **** I’ve been crying about for a year,
and can’t remember what I said the next day.
The other night I threw up into a grocery bag
multiple times.
My “friends” pity me because I can’t stop ******* up.
My car is a 20 year old fish bowl that was a huge waste of money,
and I had to move home at 24 because I couldn’t be responsible after getting my heart broken.
I’m still irresponsible.

I want to throw out this version of me and get the upgrade but I make myself look stupid every time I leave the safety of my bed.
Can’t someone just reprogram me instead?