I decided I wanted
to spend it like
I would any other Sunday.
Go get a coffee but
this time it’s free.
Go home and
do my little house chores,
dishes
fold laundry.
Then listen to a
YouTube video
while I make spaghetti;
big door open to the
screen door
allowing in the fresh
spring air.
I went back to my
boyfriend’s later
and we got high
off my birthday ****
and then I went to bed early.
I have work tomorrow,
and my life to live
and I’d like to start this decade
out right this time.

The sun is beginning to rise outside and I'm thinking of you.

I had a very boring weekend.
He never got ahold of me today to hangout, so I guess he wasn't serious.
I woke up around 11 a.m and sat at the dining room table watching YouTube videos for awhile, trying to decide what to do.
I went to to check the mail and luckily my Ipsy bag came.
I put on the blush that was in the bag and it really finished off my makeup.
I put on a black dress and boots and decided to go to Goodwill just to look around since boredom was really sinking in.
I ended up finding a light mint green GAP skirt that buttons up the front and a yellow summery shirt with some designs on it.
When I got home I went to lay out in my back yard to try and get some sun,
but that didn't last long because some stupid mosquitos started biting me.
I made chili for dinner, it was very good.
Then I watched some more YouTube videos and ended up falling asleep for awhile.

I think I get addicted to things easily.
So it's very good I've never done any drugs.

My addiction is people.

When I find someone who makes me feel a certain way that I can't really describe except for manicly high highs and depressingly low lows,
I can get obsessed with that feeling.
I don't know how to stop except to go cold turkey.
I can hate them so much when I'm alone and then as soon as I see their name pop up in a text or talk to them out in public I am hooked again.

Why did I love u so much
I’ve asked myself this before
It’s difficult to explain but I know how I felt
being next to you.
It was the safety in knowing that nothing bad would happen as long as you were there.
It’s something out of my control so much that the only thing it could be is love.
Through all the darkness I saw the brightest light,
It must have been a glimpse of heaven.

I found a joint in my car and
I drove around and smoked
it at 3 in the morning while
on lunch break at work.

I never said I make good decisions.

I think I just feel **** so hard,
and that's where the poetry comes from.
Whether it be any good or not.  
I still mourn every break up,
I still miss every person I don't know anymore.
I still long for every amazing moment that I let slip by.
I just feel all of it at the same time,
all the time.

While laying in bed I can hear the windchimes, that are hanging outside my neighbor's apartment singing loudly and consistently.
The wind is blowing hard outside.
Even though it's Halloween it's warm and the air smells fresh as it comes in my window.
Perfect to fall asleep to.

I don't hate my life,
but sometimes it feels pretty
worthless to say the least.
I'm 20, a pretty useless age.
Stuck between a teenager and
being able to drink.
I work about 45 hours a week,
pay my bills,
eat a lot of junk,
barely get enough sleep
and repeat.
I see my boyfriend for less than 24 hours
a week,
and I'm lucky to see anyone else.
Adults always tell me to enjoy this
time alone, because one day I'll
barely be able to find a minute.
But I don't think they meant this much.
Everyone needs a little conpany,
otherwise the walls start to speak.

And that's it.
It's over.
I did it and didn't even mean to.
We're over.
I left and went to my brother's.
I needed one of my siblings.
We went back to my house later and he was gone.
It's quiet.

Much quieter.
I left and went on a drive.
I ended up at Hueston Woods and sat by the dam.
I listened to the water and felt the breeze and just stared.
It doesn't feel real. Not yet.
Even though now I'm home and it's still quiet.
I'm getting drunk and smoking **** and letting my dog run all over the house that my brother and his boyfriend just so kindly cleaned.
I haven't eaten all day and I called off work.
I'm not ready to sit in this so I'm playing music very loud as I write this.
Funny enough Dan hasn't texted me back all day.
****. Maybe all guys are the same lol

Whatever. I want to be alone anyway.

What is wrong with me that I still love you?
I still love you more than a singer needs to sing.
More than a painter needs paint,
more than flowers need the rain,
more than Bonnie loved Clyde,
more than the sun needs the moon.

If you called me up and said, “come back”
I would drop everything.
I love you even though you are why I hate myself.

I’m always questioning myself and
him.
Because I will not let someone take me deep into the woods, and leave me lost somewhere.
I will not struggle to find my way again.

I thought I was gonna make
it through just one day without crying.
But the tears managed to squeeze out
of the corner of my eyes as I tried to
fall asleep.
Sliding down my cheek and soaking
into my pillow,
leaving a black smudge from leftover
mascara.
I still love him.
I’m afraid I always will.

The anger I feel towards him
makes me so hot I can't lay underneath
my blankets.
Of course I'm alone,
and he hasn't even noticed I drifted off
to bed because I can't stand to
sit there and watch him kick his
shoe around on my carpet any longer.
If you don't want to be here, then don't.
If you don't want to be with me,
then don't.
I don't deserve to be treated like this.
Do I?

I so look forward to all the quiet moments.

Coming home from work and slipping into bed, putting my arm around him.
We just lay there without saying a word until the alarm clock tells him it’s time to get up.

In the car when there’s no talking, just music and the sound of the road and he puts his hand on my leg and lets it rest there until we get to where we’re going.

In the busy restaurant where people are squeezing and pushing past me and he put his arm around me, pulling me close, keeping his hand on my back.

It’s in all the unspoken moments, and gestures the glances and smiles and everything else.
I know I am his.

Stumbling upon something unexpected
and beautiful when you’re out in nature
I think brings to light what really matters.
It makes you feel small, compared to the giants that have been built with time.
It was there before you, and it’ll be there after you.
So whatever is going on inside your head that feels enormous, suddenly shrinks.
It doesn’t go away, but it’s not as painful..
For now.

There she is.
My old pal sadness, it's been awhile since her last visit.
She must have gone to see the ocean or the Grand Canyon, but, she always comes back. She never really leaves my side because nothing gold can stay.

(And anyone else who might need it)
Please be happy.
Please try as hard as you can to focus on the good and stop believing that mean girl in your head who lies to you.
You have come so far and done so well creating a new life and making yourself happy.
Your happiness shouldn't come from someone else.
Stop putting yourself down because of your job and because you're single with no kids at 23.
You're doing just fine.
The quick passing of time doesn't mean anything.
Life is long.
Please try to be nice and give yourself a break.

The window sat propped open
just a bit.
A few rain drops would drip in
and pop as old songs she didn’t know played
out of the speakers on her desk.
A candle and a lamp gave the room a pink hue.
Just her legs were under the sheets as she sat
reading in bed wearing thin cotton shorts
and a big t shirt she got from her dad.
It was her day off.
A pretty perfect one at that.

I walked around my apartment aimlessly moving from my bed to the couch and then back to bed.
I was feeling about as exciting as the grey sky outside.
I did my ab workout alone, huffing and puffing on the floor.
I made eggs and toast and a protein shake after doing the dishes.
I listened to a podcast and smoked some ****.
Then after taking a nap I finally fixed my hair, put on some makeup and a cute outfit.
When he got home he sat on the couch and told me about his day and then leaned over and almost laid on top of me in a hug.
I then let out my girly exclamation as I tightly wrapped my arms around him,
“I’m so happy to see you! I was so bored without you!”
He laughed and said, “I know.”

I wish you'd stop saying,
"I'll be here."

I don't believe you anymore.

I am dating someone
who draws me when
I’m not there,
and looks at the photos
I’ve sent him
in private.
He pays me back
every time I buy something
and writes a cute
note in Venmo,
and asks me to stop
by before work just so
he can kiss me.
He is romantic in
ways that I am not,
but I am grateful.

“I wish I could put you in my pocket.”

And I wish I could fit.

Last night I lay in bed unable
to meet sleep because he wasn’t just a room away.
So I tried to imagine what freedom feels like.
Freedom from longing, anxiety, fear and sadness.
I had an image of riding in the passenger seat
of my sister’s old beat up car
in the middle of spring in the morning as the sun is starting to rise.
The air is warm and sweet,
the wind feels like a nice boy running his fingers through your hair.
School is almost out, you’re about to start a fun day of who knows what with your hooligan friends.
An old song plays on the radio,
a Marlboro red between your fingers,
and a Monster energy drink in the cup holder.

No job, no homework, no heartbreak.
It’s a feeling I’ll probably never have again, that true freedom from it all.

When everything really is good.

It's a humid Ohio night.
Heat lightening flickers in the distance and I blow the smoke from my cigarette towards it.
Summer time sadness is too real.
August always breaks my heart.