I’ve been asking myself
all weekend
if I’m a bad person,
and I think the answer
is yes.

Sometimes I look at my hair and think,
oh it could be worse. I'm doing better.
And then sometimes I look in the mirror and feel that same horror as the first time I ever noticed what I was doing.
Nothing helps and nobody cares.
And I'm just stuck living with this every day, & it's really ******* hard.
I'm never going to beat trichotillomania.
Some day soon probably,
I'm gonna have to shave off all of this hair that I do have,
that took so long to grow.
Why can't I just stop.

My energy likes being around yours.
Two souls bouncing around the atmosphere, who somehow found the other and it felt warm and safe.
And now I can’t remember what it was like before we met.

I was busy filling my head
with all the reasons he will
never love me,
just letting that voice
control how I feel
when his name popped
up on my phone
and he said,
Hi pretty girl
I missed you this morning.

I smiled and spun in my chair
and told him I missed him too.
And I told my brain to shut up.

I didn't feel single until now even though the break up was 5 months ago.
I've been emotionally invested in someone else and dealing with all the same pain that relationships can bring.

I feel free again. The world has that new car smell. The seasons are changing, winter is coming and the end of this long, strange year is upon us.
But don't tell me to put myself out there because there's now a sign outside the door of my heart that reads,
NO TRESPASSING!
And the door won't be opening again until there's a warm spring breeze that gets through the cracks.

I'm looking forward to spending time with me on snowy nights, cuddled up on the couch watching a Christmas movie.
I look forward to getting to know me better.

I sit very still in bed
staring at the duvet.
Not really thinking,
just staring.
It’s like I am a piece of furniture
in this quiet house.
Time drips by as families
everywhere are celebrating.
I am grieving.

Years of work mending
all for nothing
because I am bleeding again.

He says he hates the color blue, and turns to look at me.
"Except for your eyes. I like that color."

I remember that time we were
sitting across from each other in
blue suede chairs listening to
The Eagles and talking.

At one point he paused and said,
“I should’ve gotten up and kissed you. But
the moment is gone.”

We spent a lot of time together
talking about things we should have done.

Until one day he said,
“I should’ve never kissed you.”

One time someone
handed me a book called,
How to stop worrying
and start living.
And I laughed out loud.
They looked confused
and said,
I thought it might
be helpful.

What goes around
comes around.
That’s what I have to
remind myself.
So be good,
and good will come.

The only thing I have from you is the empty pack of Camel cigarettes that you gave me that had one left for me to have just in case.
Is it weird that I don't want to throw it away?

Some wounds
never fully heal;
they just get
bandaged really well.
But it could start
bleeding again
if you aren’t careful.

He asks me to buy him
cigarettes and drop them
off in the morning
before work,
so he can kiss me
before the day starts.

I drive in circles around our
hometown,
looking for you in every gas station
parking lot.
Luckily you’re never there.
I still get that feeling in my gut
sometimes because you haunt
me.
I still wonder if you ever miss me,
if you can’t get my face out of
the back of your head.
I know it’s for the best because
I don’t cry anymore.
In fact I breathe easier too.
But there are still
plenty of times
I still wish that maybe it
could have been you.

They were spread out
in front of me
as I tried counting them
in twos.
I had already googled
what might happen,
but the results varied.
I swiped a few or more
off the counter
and took them quickly;

and then he called.

The rest of them are now
back in the bottle.

Oh there's something about
being out when the sun has just recently
risen.
The way the air feels and smells
when it warms up for the first time
all year.
Making a Speedway coffee,
three vanilla creamers and tons of Splenda,
that reminds me of you.
I'm pretty sure I lived on coffee that summer.
It makes me feel young,
and free and alive.

I’ll skip the color and just say
that’s it’s nice to have a nice boy
enjoy you.

Missing you feels like there is a hole
in the atmosphere.
I have tried to ignore it,
go about my day and let it go
but it always hits me the hardest
when I realize you’re never
coming home.

Last night my ex texted me.
Not because he was trying to rekindle something that died out long before we broke up, or maybe he was I don’t know.

But all I could think about was how earlier that day my boyfriend was tickling me on the floor, and how much I love laughing with him every day.
When he said I was a cute little dinosaur and put his hand on my cheek.  
And how I fell asleep on the couch with my head on his leg.
All I could think about was how each day is better than the one before and how he’s taught me so much about how relationships should be.
How HE gives me everything he couldn’t.

But I was friendly and did my best with small talk and said I hope things get better for him.

When I got home from work I waited for my boyfriend to wake up and when he sat down beside me I leaned over and hugged him.
Just so happy.