You sat bedside me and I forgot how to breathe.

******* how did you
make me never want
to be touched touched
touched please do not
look at me please do
not breathe near me i
used to crave hands
like they were homes
and i was traveling the
country but now i can't
imagine someone ever
putting their palms on
me or near me i've
been stopping to make
sure all the air intended
for my lungs has been
making it there but i'm
struggling with it every
day when will i be okay
when will i look at another
person and not try to find
you in their laugh lines
and unshaved face when
will i be sewn up from
the inside out i think you
ripped out all of my
stitching a long time ago

i don't want to love
you  i  just  want  to
sleep   next  to   you

it has been ten months three weeks
and five days   since   the last time i
spoke words that  were meant only
for your ears and i   am doing okay.

I was easy and soft
and submissive
and kind

I didn't laugh too loud
I didn't drink too much
I didn't have a lot to say

as long as you felt okay,
I felt okay

And you wanted to love me so bad,
You would play your favorite songs
with me in your arms
just to convince yourself
I mattered

You wanted to drown in me,
because you knew I'd never
leave you drowning alone,
and you'd been left to fight
for air so many times
without help

But I am no anchor,
I am not heavy enough
to pull anyone down
so deep
that they can feel
the waves crashing
in their veins

I have never been
an anchor,

People do not
fight for their lives
just to be held down
inside of me,

I'm not enough
to leave you breathless,

I'm not enough to make your
stomach float up into your skull,

I have never been
an anchor,

People come to dip
their feet,

from time to time,

but I am not the one
they dive into