Just for one precious night under clear Polish skies.
I'd surrender all my memories reflected forever in her eyes
For her perfect porcelain skin lit by a shimmering bright star
I'd forgo my dreams and desires, have them cast aside and afar
To witness before me the truth of her body laid bare
I'd sacrifice my heart, my soul and all that I remain or care
For to have lived that one night under clear Polish skies
Is to have seen the freedom and beauty of where my own true love lies

How many thoughts go through your head on a simple drive...same road..same time. same life ..days..weeks..months..years.. .engine keeps whirling..wheels keep rolling..thoughts keep forming and releasing..living and dying..in isolation..in connection..all born of something..all disappearing to nothing.... A man came on the radio to Jagger in ‘64 to tell him how white his shirts can be..now they tell me of positivity, mindfulness, the search for self fulfillment..all these years later and what more does it say about my life..what more use than a whiter shirt..i ain't buying..i ain't playing..congratulations. congratulations. .well done..my facebook feed scrolls and scrolls..friends of friends I've never met..never will..new jobs..new rings ..Dubai, Chicago the chance of a lifetime..lives joined together as one. .everlasting love..everlasting happiness ..babies and pets..houses and debt.. congratulations..congratulations..so so happy for you..all good..all good..share and comment..but whose really living today. .whose really sharing the truth..where's the comment..where’s the reality...because it's never enough..it's just not enough.. And yet these thoughts keep coming..this blank road..this busy mind..and now winter is on its way ..cold finally setting in..and I think of you, but put you to the side..not for here..not for now..this is something else..this is I..who am I..never enough ..im just not enough..why oh why..it starts in the womb they say..starts at childhood..over protective parents..over bearing teachers.. fractured and brittle friendships..no freedom..no encouragement..no trust..be good..be safe..be what we want..it's what you'll want too.. but what when you know it's not..always and ever yet do it anyway ..what then..for its not enough..no its not enough. . why have I never known jealously ..nor never once felt envy..is that self worth..is that contentment or is it just more ambivalence..just an ever held lack of ambition..lack of desire.. stop thinking..stop thinking. there's more to life. who'll play left midfield on monday..can't wait..big game..defines the season..means everthing..means nothing ..gotta stop..pull in . parcel motel..collect package for her...quick snap that i got it ..you're great ..thanks a mill..was collecting a record anyway but never said..she doesn't need to know..white lies..little lies..guilty as charged..and she's started to paint ..why..what's she searching for there on that blank canvas.. filling it with a kaliediscope of abstract colours and shades of blues, greens and reds…all smiles..all flowers and perfect sunrises. will it be enough..i hope its enough..keep going..back to the car..pass a student..long hair and glasses under a big umbrella..now is her time..will she seize it..no regrets. nows the chance ...positivity ..mindfullness ..self fulfilment wished upon a perfect stranger but not sought for I ..contradictions .. contradictions ..in everthing I ever say and feel..back to the road..leave the city lights..welcome the falling autumn leaves ..where's the beauty..where's the change..the new..the future . a changing of a season upon us soon.. autumn browns to winter grey.. just the same old..same old.. when was the last time i looked forward to something..**** knows..what was it..**** knows..work is over..why think of it..what do they think of you there . conversations in the canteen..teenage discos..tut tutting all round..a chorus of disapproval..how could they leave their daughters out like that..all agree..all agree..not me..let them live..let them find themselves..let them be enough...let them be all they can be. do I even respect these people..do i even like most of them..how many days..how many years. am i liked there  .am i admired. am i respected…am I even known.. don't be naive..no one dares to care just as i don't of them or there . its all in a game…be nice..be professional . white shirts. pressed suits. Not enough. Never enough...how many minutes have passed..all these thoughts..Nothing decided. Nothing changed. Where's the beauty...where's the light..where's that dream to cling to..same journey..over and over..days and weeks and months and years. the gates of home..the musics final coda ..the last lines of a faded  favourite fantasy..cause love is tough..when enough is not enough

not enough

not enough

not enough

Just another stone on a broken shore.
No meaning nor purpose just drifting towards home
And what's left of that heart when it's love is forlorn
Is it empty? Is it hollow?
Left lifeless, loveless, no path to lead nor follow

Or does it somehow live on in perpetual silent scream
Breathing on loneliness,
Consumed by regrets and despair
And please, please tell me whatever happens...
Whatever happens when that heart finally just stops.
Is it cast away on a wasteland of rock
Just another stone on someone else's broken shore

A blank page, a broken screen and this my frozen heart.
If I could just hold you, hold you.
Darkness descends and sleep denies those dreams of yesterday
If only, If only I could hold you, just hold you.

Let the **** day break for no moon shines on this sky tonight.
Let the cold winds come, as this bird she takes flight.
Let the world turn to the past, let it not look forward but now look back
If only, for if only so I could just hold you, so I could just hold you

So I turn it up, turn it up, but no more do I truly hear
Trying to wrap it around me, trying in vain to keep you near.
But alas, all in dream and nothing of you remains
Save this sad refrain of if I could just hold you, hold you.

Nothing remains but this song,  this poem, this prayer
Clinging to its desperation, breathing it's desolate solid air
For there is no place so alone as realising who you are
No place so alone as accepting what you are.

If I could just hold you,  hold you
If I could just hold you,  hold you
All in vain nothing but this sad refrain
Yet now if I could just hold you,  if i could just hold you.

I could be sunshine.
People tell me that I'm sweet.
I'm glad they think so.

They ignore my hate,
turning blind eyes to the sun.
I am not so kind.

She made me dinner,
****** me, made me laugh, and then
told me she loved me.

I once doubted this,
but where everyone turned black
my soul is yellow.

I live wide open,
and my consequences yield
to my momentum;

The speed of whispers,
I lead by debauchery
as an example.

Some worship the dead
and some sit next to the ghosts,
elbow to elbow.

The duality
of the swarm is that it's both
nameless and legend.

I wake up to you
and I am happy again.
I'm yellow again.

There is an answer
to why every privileged
******* can't write;

They talk of heaven,
they preach about angels and
how they might sing, yeah,

but haven't seen one.
They haven't listened to them
and cannot hear them.

***** rhetoric
applauding their enclosure
as the door closes.

Brain dead featherweights
tethered by their bibles and
white supremacy.

"Ideology"
cult of the soul without a
purple beating heart.

***** rhetoric;
repeat Frances Scott Key and
emphasize landscape.

We've all seen the fields,
we know how green the grass is,
and how blue the sea.

Biblical visions;
worship "democracy" and
call your leader "king".

"ideology"
a mask for supremacy.
***** rhetoric.

You're going to choke
and you can't have the angels
after you **** them.