on saturday I bought myself a dress
and you bought yourself more time
in my head

I made a list of stuff I have to get at target
I'm sitting on my bed only it feels like a ****** island
the only appealing feeling to me is helplessness and a shower
I want to cough in the shower and feel like I'm losing everything
I don't want to choose my Sunday I
want Sunday to choose me
can you let me put my nose in your neck
I realize that I have a different kind of angst now that I want to cry about
nothing to you
I woke up and wanted you
I want you when I have bad posture I want to hunch my back next to you
I'm really not forgetting about you
you've told me about you crying and I want to watch a movie and cry with you
I wonder what your arms feel like

I went to a naked party but only took my shirt off
if I got a text from you asking me to go do something with you I probably would have left the party without telling anybody
I connect with you and it's terrifying
I don't know what I am to you and it's terrifying
I really have no idea how often you remember me but I hope it's every so often
one day I'm going to tell you all about you
and how you are the hardest person
and how many times your eyes have killed me

I tried
to run my hands
through my hair
realizing I’d never
get to be anyone else.

Every tangle I catch
is another
stretch of road
I won’t see,
every knot
is the buzz of
bees in my gut
when I think
of what I don’t
know.

My biggest
regret
is I will never see
my past selves.
The lives I
lived before this one.
The people
I met, and
the things I saw.
The words I spoke
and the experiences I had.

My life
hasn’t been lackluster,
I’ve seen enough,
but not a lot.
I dream about courage,
and what
it would feel like
to stand
in a different place.

I know Nebraska
well enough to know
that it doesn’t love me back.
My feet
are arched,
they deserve more
than this
flat
land.

I love this state,
it seems that
we are in the middle
of everything
but
it flat lines
into oblivion
and I want to be a tick,
I want to be a pulse,
I want to feel.

So forgive me when
I say that
I need more
than this place
sometimes,
I need more
than this life
sometimes
I need more
than myself
sometimes.

Right now
I’d fall down
a flight of stairs
if it means
I'll have a story
to tell later.

I do my best
to punch the sky
I envy it
for continuing
to see more than I can.

My hands
are getting caught
in my hair,
and maybe I just need
someone else’s for awhile.

When I look down at
the ground
we are huge.
Our feet bear no resemblance
to their surroundings.
We disturb ants
on their way home
the hill,
we interrupt
the conversation
the locusts
were having
before we arrived.
When I look down
at the ground
I see lives
that could
go on without
me.
Their lives
would still
be intertwined
with one another’s
even if mine was not.
That’s comforting.

When I look up at
the sky
we are small.
To the birds we
are no bigger than a
leaf.
The galaxies
show us
lives once lived.
They’ve seen
years of life
I will know nothing about.
We are smaller
than one billionth
of our
universe.
My knowledge of
our sky extend
no farther
than what I can
see.
The sky meets the
horizon,
and the sun rises and sets
even if we aren't
there to see it.
It goes on forever
and we are a minuscule part of that.
That’s comforting.

When I look straight
ahead.
I see you.
That’s comforting.

I have a problem with
keeping my own secrets.
I don’t know how to
stop talking.

There are words
we should reserve
just for ourselves
and I can’t quiet
myself long
enough to remember that.

It scares me to think
that there is nothing
left for me.

I pull the words
out of myself
and then  wonder why
it makes me so sad.

It’s my own little
double standard.

My will power
runs low
and I can’t hold on.

It scares me to think
that there is nothing
I haven’t said.

It scares me to think
that everyone knows
what I’m about to say
before I say it.

I’ve always wanted to be
hard to read.
But I open my mouth
and I read myself.

My secrets
are rarely
serious.
They're never
even very
exciting,
but they are mine.

I hope one
day there is something
I take with me
when I’m gone.

I hope one day
there is something left
for me.

A sentence,
even a few words
that even God
doesn’t know.

Because you know
what Alexis,
it's nobody's
*******
business.

“I want you more than I love you,” He said.

I love people that are far away
I don't see them but love them anyway

I love people that don't exist
My want for her will not desist

I love people that I didn't know I would
I love him in ways I didn't know I could