there are times where you feel so tired
you just need to shut yourself away
slip on your headphones
hearing nothing else but your music
taking some time away for yourself
being a little selfish
and stealing away a little time
so you can rest
and relax
and recoup

i cannot describe how thankful i am for my mother. she is the pillar i lean on when there are hard times and she is the one i share good news with. she is my counselor and friend. she is the glue that holds the family together. she gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything in return. she delights in my delight and i can finally say that i know she is proud of me as I am finally following the Lord and the path He has for me. she’s always been proud of me and her love has never wavered, even when i was in my darkest times and when i was furthest from the Lord. she has always been there for me and i know that will never change.

here we go
it's starting
and i told myself it wouldn't
and yet
there's something
that's there and real
i can't help but think
think about what could be
i can't though
i made a commitment
i made a promise
i'm sticking to my guns
and yet
there's the allure
of the seemingly perfect fit
of how the humor melds
and the music and movies
and everything
that friendship
started all those years ago
that could develop into something more
with someone who sees me
truly sees me
my heart
my passion
my soul
and they're okay
they're okay with waiting
waiting for me
they see me
they know me
and they want me
and they're willing to wait
as long as it takes
it's been five years
five months more
isn't too long, right?

you stand there
uncertainty rising
anxiety building
flooding your veins
with a shaking arm
you raise your hand
a flare gun clutched
within your sweaty palm
fingers furling and unfurling
you know
it’s now or never
do it while you still
have the nerve
you’ve built up
mentally counting
‘one, two, three’
finger squeezing
body recoiling
from the impact
you did it
no going back now
the signal is out
landing who knows where
not knowing if
it’s even been seen
hope sparks with
the flash of the flare
the only unknown
is if someone saw
that spark and
wants to ignite
their own spark too

it is so wonderful
that even in these times
i can get together
and have time
with friends and mentors
that i have people
in my life
that i can lean on
they are the ones
to encourage me
and let me see how
they are doing
in all of this
for that
i am thankful

the two words
i've heard over and over
throughout this time
is 'strong and proud'
somehow, that's me.
it's not really though
that's not me at all
that's what i pretend to be
that's what i seek for
that's what i pray for
i get my strength
from the Lord
and through that
i can be proud
the ears that once
had turned away
have finally, finally
turned back to Him
actively seeking
and pursuing
the strength from Him
so i can be proud
in knowing what
i was made to do

he broke up with me today
well, not quite broke up.
he told me he's been thinking
dwelling, praying, pondering
about our relationship
our future and our paths.
he wants me to know
he still loves me
but he doesn't know
if he fell in love with me.
and so i am in a break
i am caught between
two planes
i am not single
i am not taken
until he makes up his mind
and i make up mine
dwelling, praying, pondering
about my own future
the golden boy
that i was so sure about
i am not so sure anymore

when will you realize
that you are not your body
you are not the skin you are in
you are your soul
you are your mind
you are your spirit
your favorite color
the movie that makes you cry the most
that joke that always makes you laugh
your dreams and visions
what makes you passionate
your dark secrets
what you think about when you're alone
your favorite snack
what you do when it's late and you're still awake
your favorite breakfast food
why you love
why you hope
why you cry
why you scream
why you're still here
those are what you are made of
everything precious and beautiful
that is who you are
not your body
but your soul instead

i know that i said i would wait six months
i had every intention of keeping that
and then he came along.
i kept praying that it wasn't to be
that God would give me a sign
that this man wasn't for me
that i should not pursue this.
nothing ever came to say no
and something said yes.
i told myself no dating him
until i was stable again.
work and school came through for me
and i am stable again.
just like that.
i did not expect this.
i did not want this, at first.
now, i'm with this man
who i am falling for.
and i cannot help
but want to hide it
because of the judgement
"i'm disappointing in you"
"you said six months"
"i thought you were serious"
i was and i am
i did not expect this to happen
i did not want this to happen
and you keep holding on
to my past and my mistakes
to the person i was and not
the person i am now
haven't i changed enough?
i was content to be single and to wait
and he came along and everything changed
i just want you to be happy for me
can't you understand?

i'm falling
hard and fast
i don't want to be
it's hard to admit
that i am
that i have found
someone who is
what i was looking for
i wasn't looking
i wasn't searching
and yet
there you are
safe and warm
what i want
i know i shouldn't
i know to wait
to wait and to pray
about you and me
i cannot help
to steal glances
at your jawline
because you are
so handsome
and i am not
maybe i am
you like me too
there's something
sparking
between us

in a sea of my own thoughts,
i am adrift
with nothing to guide me
but a compass of morals
and a breath of hope

i just want to fall
completely and totally
because that's safe
i just want to fall
straight into you
because you're safe
i'm learning more and more
just how safe
just how wonderful
just how much
we fit together
time is crazy
it's hardly been a week
and yet,
i just want to fall
completely and totally
because of you
you have ****** with me
in the best and worst way
thank you for that
for being you
for being safe
for being someone
that i can fall for
i didn't expect
to fall so quickly
i am still falling
completely and totally
because that's you
because that's safe
to me

it's a strange feeling
butterflies in my stomach
nerves shaking my fingers
it's starting again
isn't it?
the idea, the notion
of my future
what is it going
to have for me?
i should be scared
and i am
rightly so
but there is the idea
of what will come
i thought that
i lost that
i never did
even still
i have hope
i am excited
scared of what
God has in store
but even still
there is a futre
there is hope

how am i flawed? let me count the ways
i am too emotional when i shouldn't be
i cry over the stupidest things
i will get angry at the smallest things
i overthink the simplest things
i give too much when i shouldn't
i hold onto things i shouldn't
i will be open and closed at the same time
i won't let people in when i should
the list goes on and on, i know
and yet, despite all of this, i am still loved and accepted
i am healed and mended through my brokenness
through my flaws, i am who i am

i am following my heart
after two years
after not wanting to face the truth
i am going home
to my family
to my friends
to oregon
it's a tough descision
i have cried so much
i have tried to fight
the heart always wins
i am moving home

i have a ***** secret
something hidden to everyone around me, that i hide with smiles and laughter
something that brings tears to my eyes and a weight to my shoulders
i ran away from home when i was twenty
i didn't know what i would be leaving for good when i did leave
i thought it was just for a visit to sunny california
there, however, i found a second home
i broke my first home, my parents and sister, in the process
not just them but the rest of my family and friends
i have lived with the guilt
of knowing how much i have broken them
of not knowing the depths of their pain
that is what hurts me the most
knowing just how much i've broken and hurt them
how much i still grapple with the guilt
how much i feel i have shamed them
acting as though it does not bother me
when, in reality, it kills me every day
knowing what i did to them
knowing how much i changed their lives
knowing how much i hurt them
however
they have forgiven me
they love me
we see each other when we're able to
we call and text and stay in contact
i am truly blessed to be in their lives
that they still want me in their lives
i do not deserve their forgiveness
i still struggle with the guilt
some days are easier than others
even still
i am not worthy of their love
i will always carry the guilt
it is my burden to bear

little girl
2018 is over now
you’ve been strong
you’ve worked hard
you deserve
to shed a few tears
and be proud of who you are
and who you are becoming

i have come to the realization
that i have found a secret
that i did not even know was hidden
i have found the secret
to loving myself
i will still wake up
and look at myself
and dislike what i see
those days are becoming
less and less
the secret, dear ones
is that there is none
love comes with time
love comes with age
love comes when you see yourself
not as something to hate
but as something to care for
i dislike my thighs
i dislike my stomach
i dislike my acne prone skin
but
i love my ***
i love my curves
i love my eyes
i see the good in the bad
it isn't always easy
it rarely is
but my god
is it worth it
to look in the mirror
and like what you see
to not be ashamed
but to be proud
to be the soul in the skin
i challenge
whoever is reading this
to try to love yourself today
even if it's just today
that's still worth it

today, i was treated than less than human.
i don't think i deserved it.
maybe i did.
working in the service industry.
however, i don't think
that i should be yelled at
for something i cannot control,
like how the store is laid out,
how the store's 'flow' is
and how much more effecient
it would be
to have it go in the other direction.
did i deserve that?
to be told my store is a
fire hazard
because we only have one door
and the flow isn't
how the gentleman wanted it,
thought it should be,
how he thought it should be.
he yelled because we did not
have a sign to say
where the line started.
he yelled at me for
district's number.
yelled at me,
demanding district's number,
continued to yell
while my coworker got him district's number.
i asked if there was anything else i could do.
today, i was treated less than human.
today, i feared that i would be injured,
even more so than i have been,
all because someone hated something
that was
out
of
my
control.

you're rough in some areas
like when you don't shave
or when you're frustrated
i don't mind though
i enjoy the scruff
and i hold your hand
you compliment me
you calm me down
when i am emotional
you lift me up
when i am emotional
(i'm sorry that i feel so much)
you have been there for me
helping me along
even when i was limping
struggling to make progress
you're with me now
now that i run
that i am soaring
and you, wonderful you
are right beside me
you have been there for me
since day one
it's been a year
officially one year
since i let you in
truly let you in
you've seen me at my worst
and i've seen you at yours
that hasn't made me love you
any less, only more
you, my love
have been there
and i cannot tell you enough
(or so it feels to me)
how grateful i am to you
for sticking by me
for loving me
for supporting me
for simply being you
thank you
thank you
thank you
i love you
i love you
i love you
(that still doesn't feel like enough
even though it's there
in black and white)

i know what i signed up for, working in the service industry, more specifically working as a barista.
maybe i didn't really know
(despite being told for years that i would make a great barista)
i had no idea what was in store
there's good and bad days
with the good outweighing the bad
there's customers who i am getting to know
names and orders standing out to me
there's the pet names i get called
'sweetie, sweetheart, darling, dear'
there's the customers who would rather
stare at their screens than give me
even a second of eye contact
making me feel a little less than a person
there are those who smile and say
how bubbly i am to them
and how they can't understand why
i can be so happy at 4 in the morning
(i don't either but i continue to do so)
there's the customers who talk on the phone
while placing their order
only adding to the chaos during a rush
there are the customers who take a second
pause and tell me their order
before going back to their phone call
there are two sides to every customer
two sides to every interaction
there are always good and bad days
however, it is the good
that always outweighs the bad

Little girl
You've grown this past year
Heart broken and mended
Traveling and moving
Traded pines for palms
Friends lost and gained
Depression diagnosed
You've been through much
Laughed and loved
Cried and crashed
Fought and faltered
Now you're 21
Biggest milestone so far
You're an adult in age alone
Constantly mistaken for 12
How do you feel?
Scared, excited?
Ready for this next year?
Or completely terrified?
You've made it this far
No choice but continue on
With hope in your heart
With love filling your soul
With springs in your step
With strength on your side
Happy birthday to you
Or shall I say
Happy birthday to me

Today is World Mental Health Day.
I never thought I would celebrate it.
I never thought anything was wrong with me
(Can you even say something is wrong?)
On the outside, there I am:
Strong, carefree, smiling, laughing
On the inside?
That’s a different story.
Weak, worrying, whimpering, crying.
I hid it as well as I could,
Cracking when the pressure was too much.
That pressure, that weight,
I put it upon myself.
Over and over and over,
I kept telling myself,
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Just one more day.
Over and over and over.
Nothing is wrong.
You’re just hurting.
You’re just broken.
I didn’t know how broken I was.
Not until I was diagnosed.
I started crying when I was told.
I was broken.
It wasn’t just in my head.
It was and it wasn’t.
I took the tests.
I got my meds.
I started getting better.
Today? I’m still healing.
I’m still working on getting better.
Life has knocked me down,
More than I had hoped,
In my 20, almost 21, years.
It just makes me stronger.
I realize that now.
I’m stronger than I was.
I’m happier than I was.
I’m still struggling.
Who isn’t?
I am depressed.
I will not let that define me.
I will not let that become me.
Depression is a part of me.
It is not me.
It does not fully make up me.
I am still me.
Jenna Elizabeth Friesen.
Strong.
(Even if I don’t feel like it)
Happy.
(There is bad with the good)
Living and loving life,
For once.
For once in a long time,
I can say that I want life.
I relish it.
That is me beating depression.
That is me beating that part,
That part of myself.

Ha. And I haven't been suicidal? That I had scars that faded. That I haven't been through hell and back with a smile on my face? That I haven't seen my fair share of hurt and pain? That I have had so many moment where I've been suicidal. That I've had moments where I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of bathroom cleaner. That I was monitored as I flushed tramadol down the toilet so I wouldn't overdose. I've been through hell and I've learned how to be strong. There are moments where my armor cracks and I'm left with heartache but I sober up and continue on my way. That I have to be strong. That I'm always going to have love on my side and when I don't have strength and energy, I look to those who I love

to the man who said "who would want to work at a place like this":

I understand working part time at a frozen yogurt store is not ideal to you. Surely it does not measure up to your job. However, it is not your job; it is mine. And you know what?

I relish my job.

I enjoy opening a yogurt store in the morning and staying here throughout the afternoon. (The AC on the hot summer days is a welcome bonus). I enjoy interacting with my regular customers and meeting the new ones that come in. I enjoy calling out 'hello' and 'have a nice day' every time the door opens and the bell goes off. I enjoy being able to work hard and serve the people who come in. I enjoy being able to work on homework during the slow parts of the day.

There are struggles that come with every job, such as messes made without a second thought to apologize, children occasionally throwing a tantrum, or customers who are unhappy with something I cannot control.

It may not be ideal to you. You may wonder why I work in a place like this.

To me, there is no other place I'd rather be.

From the girl behind the counter

P.S: the tips are pretty nice too

You know what I want to do right now? I want to cry and scream and do something, anything. Anything but think about the veins and blood beneath my skin, my heart pumping that oh so precious blood all over my body, the blood that's now filled with adrenaline at those thoughts. I'm sure the coffee on an empty stomach and the lack of sleep isn't helping. I'm shaking now. Is it from the coffee or the thoughts, from the want? My stomach has dropped now and I feel sick. Again, I don't know why it's doing that. I think it's from the thoughts, that thought of the bright red against the pale white. That's an image I can't get out of my head. My god, I don't know that to do. I could go hide away and cut in a spot no one will ever see. It doesn't have to be the wrist to make it bleed. Yet, I have to smile and pretend that I'm not shaking, that I'm not about to break down, that the tears are pricking at my eyes, that I can think of at least five objects I can use to hurt myself. I have to continue to fake it. I have to be okay. I have to be strong, even though I'm not strong at all. I still want to cut. That's going to be a thought in the back of my mind all day, even though I took my 'happy' pills, even though I'm faking that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I can admit that, only to myself. I can't admit that to the world. I will put on a smile. I will hide the shaking. I will hide the thoughts. I will hide the hurt. I will carry on. I will be okay.

as we approach the summer,
as the sun comes out,
as everything warms,
we hear those two words
that we all dread:
'bikini body'
we go to the gym
we eat healthy
for what?
being able to wear
two inches of clothing.
no more for me
i look good
i feel good
all throughout the year
i refuse to give in
i refuse to feel ashamed
for what?
for not looking
like a model?
let me say this
i look like me
that is enough

i didn't want to tell people that there was something wrong. i thought it was all in my head; i thought i would be told it was all in my head. turns out, it wasn't. i was depressed. i am depressed, technically. you wouldn't expect that, just looking at me. i tried to hide it as much as possible. now, i can't hide it. so i'm going to be open and say it, not to seek attention and not to cause harm. i am depressed and i am getting help. i am getting better. my mum even noticed. "it's nice to have our daughter back. you have that spark of life again."

i didn't want to accept it
i'd done research
i knew what it was
i just didn't want to admit it
now i know
i've been diagnosed
now i have to accept it
three simple words
I. AM. DEPRESSED.

it's starting again
tragic and beautiful
full of hope
awful and wonderful
god only knows
god i pray
make it last
let him stay

what does my life amount to?
a box of papers
thousands of photos
a laptop and phone
memories
i try not to think about it
i really don't
it keeps crawling back
i fight it
i really do
but
it keeps coming
i wonder
what if i was gone?
who would it impact?
i assume i'd be missed

immigrants founded the USA
it's funny to think of
immigrant has become a slur
it's not funny anymore
i never identified as an immigrant
but i am
you wouldn't know it
i look like everyone else
that's always the case these days
you wouldn't know it
that i was born in canada
not very foreign
it's still not the USA
canadian american
with that
i am an immigrant
never realized
never tell
never mind

sunsets
lipstick stains on coffee cups
laughing until you're crying
laundry fresh out of the dryer
rain of the roof
the smell of fresh flowers
a mini wing on your eyeliner
chick flicks
thumbing through a book
wearing a dress and heels
sitting after being on your feet for hours
sunflowers seeds
a hot shower
snuggling with a stuffed animal
amazon's two day shipping
tea
reading in bed

It's late, the kind of late when there is nothing going on in the world outside. There are no cars out and everyone is at home, lost in their dreams.
She isn't though. Her mind is wide awake and it refuses to stop daydreaming. Despite how tired she is and how much she wants to sleep, she can't.
Instead, she tosses and turns and listens to the rain that's hitting her window. Instead, she thinks and daydreams. Instead, she stays in her cocoon of warmth while the rest of the world gets cold

I've been having moods lately. Not good moods either. These are the moods I hide from people. Moods where I snap at a harmless comment. Moods when I cry for no reason. Moods when I cry for a dark reason. I hide these moods so you won't pity me. When it's late at night and I'm crying and I feel so alone. I start thinking then. Thinking when I'm in these moods are never good. I've never acted on these thoughts but these thoughts are still there. When it's late at night and I'm crying and I feel so alone. You assume my thoughts. Where could I feel hurt and no one could see? What "great plans" are supposedly in store for me? What am I supposed to do with my life? Will I amount to anything? The pressure sets in then. It sits on my chest and creeps into my heart and lungs.
I have to remain strong. These thoughts and moods will pass.

they say not to worry
they say not to stress
how can i not?
it's my future
it's my path
yet, i know
i have to give
the control over
to one who knows
my path and future
stop taking
start giving
stop worrying
start trusting
stop stressing
start relaxing
maybe then
the pieces
will fall
in place

there are some days when i want nothing more than to end everything
those are the days when i should fight more than ever before

i am nothing but a bundle of nerves
coming apart at every end
shaking and nervous
about to fray and fly away

let's start with a henna tattoo
work my way to a real one
let's get a cartilage piercing
or maybe get two for fun
read all Shakespeare's plays
and his sonnets before the year ends
write a novel sometime soon
watch every harry potter with friends
see something that's Broadway
read 150 books in a year
have an author sign
a book that's been so very dear
Spend the entire day in bed
or sleep in the family car
in the playhouse out back
in a hammock somewhere bizarre
do something with a love
write a poem for him
slow dance in the rain
and dance away the dim
watch a sunset together
the light slowly appearing
a kiss in the rain
stargaze with day nearing
let's go visit mexico
or Germany, Ireland
let's fly in first class
or helicopter to be grand
see the hollywood sign
or the northern lights
or England or the gum wall
ride in a limo to see the sights
paintball or zip-line
perform a play on stage
try surfing in blue water
or mattress surf, not acting my age
learn to actually skateboard
see a favorite band live
eat German chocolate
run a kilometer or five
get my master's degree
have a chance to paddleboard
finally sing in public
get a guitar to play a chord
or why not have a paint fight
play twister with a mess
walk through a drive through
skinny dip and not fess
put mentos in coke
swim with my clothing on
write in wet concrete
streak across the lawn
tp someone's car
buy a coffee to be kind
smash pie in someone's face
carve initials to remind
so there's my bucket list
spelled out for all to see
the only question is
who would want to join me?

Breakups ****. They **** when you're sobbing into your pillow at 1 in the morning because you realize your life isn't going to be the same. That you are never going to have that person wrap their arms around you or that you're going to smell their deodorant or that you can't send them a message telling them about your day. It ***** because you feel so alone and you keep letting out shakey breaths and telling yourself 'you're okay, you're going to be okay'

eyes a myriad of colors
blue, green, grey
blonde or brunette
you can't even say