She is like a Christmas tree

Tall and wide

Prickly, trying to show strength

Her inside sticky and soft

Her aroma captivates the room

When decorated and dressed

She is fully herself

Plug her in and let her shine

But be careful of the light

Leave it too long and it will dry her

And she will wilt

Eventually her time will come

No matter how you care for her

She will be undecorated

Brought to the sidewalk

Left to decompose and be reborn.

I think you're being petty

I think you're being childish

I think you're being blinded

Am I suppose to tell you

I've been holding my tongue

Keeping in every ounce of admiration

Was I suppose to tell you

That your smile made me melt

That your presence shook my life

That every time you touched me

I hoped it was just a little more

I'm better now at being silent

Your life is going through an earthquake and for that I forgive all the bad thing and all the sad words

But know that if I could I'd kiss it all away

Even if it risked my own earthquake.

Some people say that when you die

It's just like you're sleeping forever

I wonder though if you still dream

I hope not

Because I don't want to die

And still dream of you.

They say it's unhealthy to hold in your emotions

But what about memories

What if I bury them so deep inside of me that the cavern of my soul let's me forget all the bad things that have ever touched me

It's better to live in a blissful denial

Every so often light shines inside the darkness, urging me to remember as if remembering will heal these wounds

These scars that have molded into my pores and become one with me

There is no erasing them only accepting

In my sweet blissful lies I tell myself I can live with my truths.

It's not that I hate you
It's I hate the way it all played out

I hate that I felt used
I hate that I had felt hope

I hate that you ruined everyone else for me

I hate that I can't love someone that same way I loved you

Like the world was gonna crash down around me without your kiss

I hate that you still make me rethink every choice I make

Is it morally sound
Is it logical
Will I regret it right after

You did so much damage
Even during the parts you weren't even in my life

The emptiness of not having you then made me do so many bad things

The absolute dread of the day to day without you use to drive me crazy

That's one thing that's improved
I  know how to live without you

I know how to miss you and not love you

I know how to hate you and not hate you all at once

You're the start to my story
Even if it was already in the middle

I've built a wall so tall
I'm not even sure how to tear it back down

I've blocked out so much pain

Buried it deep inside

Tried to wash away the blood

Now that I'm stronger I'm trying to figure it out

How to unearth these deep wounds

Break down my walls

And remember my pain

Love is such a odd thing

You can love someone who hurts you

And I mean LOVE them

And you can love someone who adores you

And I mean ADORES

But they often aren't one in the same

Love is a rollercoaster

And you're just waiting to get back to the beginning

Waiting for that smooth ride.

I call you beautiful

As though I am not

As though I was not worthy of having you

Except I was worth it

And more

Because a beautiful face hides so many lies

And a beautiful body hides even more

And so it's fair to say you hid a lot from me

Behind all the beauty was deceit

And I'm okay if people don't see me as beautiful for my face or body

Because I know my soul is just perfect.

Actions speak louder than words

Has never meant more to me than it does now

Coming home to you

Nothing done

Just hours wasted

Wondering if I marry you

Will it always be this way

Will you always tell me you love and appreciate me

While sitting idly by and watch me struggle to want this relationship?

I'm so tired of feeling like I have to fight for those I love.

After a long week I'm just plain tired.

You still echo

Your face

Your name

Your energy

It still echoes inside of me

And I can't help but dream of you

Dream of what was

Of what never will be

You're an echo

You screamed into my heart years ago

It's just so large that I can still hear you.

I remember high school

My first love and I

We were rabbits

Passionate and endless

Anywhere we could make love

We definitely did

I remember how every touch

Every kiss

Every hand graze

Excited me to my core

I just want to be excited like that again.

In another universe we would have been soul mates, and in another we would have been best friends. Now we are neither. Just fading memories and that's okay. But sometimes I need you not to love or make love to but simply to talk to. You knew me more than anyone else. Even on the days you didn't quite love me. Maybe you could tell me what my heart wanted right now because my love life feels like a disaster. It's painful and exciting all at once and for all the wrong reasons. And I wish you were sitting next to me telling me exactly what I want. So I could disagree only to discover you were always right. That's how we worked. Or maybe that's how we fell apart. All I know now is that I don't love you anymore and that's the most liberating feeling I have ever truly known. I was trapped in this vortex of you. The one where I was determined to have you. And the problem is, the man who pulled me out of the vortex is no longer the same man making me happy. He's no longer the one making my heart twinge the way it use to for you all those years ago. But I'm wearing a ring I made engraved with forever. I'm trying to fall in love again. Because I loved him so much I swear. And I wonder if this is how you felt when we ended. When I would come over and crawl into your bed. I wonder if you tried to fall in love with me again the way I hope I fall in love with him again. And I want it known I do love him but I want to be in love. He makes me smile. But sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he makes me really hate myself. And I know I can be a sensitive person but I don't think he quite sees how his words break me sometimes. I want to choose him. I do. I want to say that one day too; I do. But here I am with this twinge in my heart that I'm trying to bury or force away. I tried that with you. I did. But I still ended up loving you nine long years. Tell me first love of mine. How do I say goodbye before I've said hello? How can I choose him? Because the love in his eyes remind me so much of the love I had in mine for you once upon a time.

To all the girls and women who have been brave enough to face their trauma and come forward and report

I admire you so much
You are SO strong

All four times it's happened to me

I laid there like a deer in the headlights

Like a possum playing dead

Waiting for it to end
So I could walk away in tears

And hopefully never see them again

To bury my trauma so deep no one can ever find it

And there you are in court

Locking them up and throwing away the key

I wish I did that

I'm so sorry I didn't

I'm always afraid that I'll run into them

Afraid they did it again

Afraid of remembering

But every time I cry it seeps out

Because no matter how hard I try to bury it

It's a part of me

A part of the story line that cannot be erased

I just need to keep reading and hope the ending it happier.

And it stings

It stings from head to toe

The words you say

They hurt

They hurt each and every ounce of me

And you'll never understand that

When one mean thing

Sends me into depression.

Someone says your name
And I cringe

Like poison dripping from my ears and piercing my chest

The memories I've tried to bury deep within myself

So deep they almost touch all the trauma I've blocked out

I passively say
I hate that name

And resume my task

But for a few moments
I have to fight off the flashbacks

The replay of every moment I spent loving you

I fight back my feelings of angst knowing the man I sleep with now

Just doesn't give my heart quite the same ping you did

But I find solace in the saying that every love is different and I hold onto that when I crawl home to him and I'm greeted with an embrace.

Ring on my left hand

And I have the audacity to wonder

Do I love you

My heart aches when we fight

And I laugh when you do something silly

But sometimes I'm so unsure

And it makes me angry

No, it makes me feel guilty

Because last time I loved
I was so sure

So completely sure

And here I am

Ring on hand

Climbing into our bed

And wondering...

Is this love?

There's a gnawing in my chest
Whenever we argue
This immense pressure
Like at any moment the fragile pieces of my soul might just shatter
And this feeling stays after the argument
Picking at my every flaw
Waiting for me to bleed
Because tears just weren't good enough
This pressure is only alleviated when I smile again
But who will do that for me?

I still dream of you sometimes

It's a weird feeling

Waking up with your face imprinted in my head

It's not the you that you've become

But the you I knew when we were young

Young and dancing around the love that would come to grow and die

It's weird to feel a love that has gone and to know it'll never come back.