as much as i love you

best friends, for sure

you'll never look at me

the way you look at her

In this empty house that is my heart,
you merely patched up the rooted cracks of my foundation.

they say that a persons eyes are a window to their soul,
but the glass was shattered long before you were here.

my skin crawls and stirs like moon lit waters.
you were supposed to be my anchor,
but with each lie you told
you let me drift farther and farther away

thank you for leaving.
because without you loving me,
I've finally learned how to love myself.

large, and in charge as I'd like to put it.
chunky, pudgy, fat, plump
however you'd like to say it, however
it is none of your **** business.

I am not a number on a scale
or a mile that I haven't run
I am not the size of my waist
or the "excuses" that have lead me to "let myself go"

But I, am human.
Say what you will
but I love myself.
blonde hair, blue eyes
a sense of humor that can't me measured with something so feeble as  measuring tape.
A love of life that will not be put to rest just because I may need to take a rest every so often.

How do you measure happiness?
not on a scale
or with inches
pounds or calories that seem to sneak up on you in the middle of the night and make your pants a bit too snug

we judge people for judging people because judging people is wrong
we blame society for our corrupt nature,
but we are society.

Darling
I have never seen you so bare
a house so full of life
now sings a silent tune

we broke you in
maybe too hard
one
two
three children later
but you still offered shelter
on those long December nights

tears
fights
screams and worries
you whisked them away
in your soft creaks and groans
leaving nothing left
but comfort and hope

But now
utterly vacant
you stand alone
but believe me when I say
I have never been more proud
to call you my home

If i had a minute
I'd hug you close
breathe in your scent
and never let you go

if i had an hour
i'd give it to dad
because three children
bills
and life itself
is too much stress to place
on one mans shoulders

if i had a day
it would go to to the siblings
who adored every aspect of your
snarky, compassionate, motherly love
and who only had the chance to know you
for 8 years too few

but I don't have a minute
an hour
or a day
because 7 years
was so long ago
and that grim december day
still runs through my mind
like a broken record

*"She's Gone"

whoever said
depression is strictly sadness
is a fool
because here i sit
empty
alone
and drowning in my mind
sometimes the thoughts swimming around my every action
my every word
are scarier than the true horrors
of life itself