that night,
it was easier to sleep
knowing you were gone
then the restless nights
trying to keep you from leaving.

10.09.20
we had a connection at the first look.

we've blossomed from
acquaintances
to friends
to a little more,
and now i can't get you off my mind.

i never thought
i'd like you this much,
but things change;
people change.

sometimes for the worse,
but in my case,
so much better.

i don't know how to tell you,
but i've always loved you.
you're my best friend,
but i've always felt more.

it's been 2 years:
2 years of looking into your eyes
and knowing you don't feel the same,
because you're straight.

i love your dyed hair,
i love your music taste,
i love your style,
i love you.

we both know you don't love me like that;
but whenever you touch my arm,
or smile with your perfect teeth,
i fall more each time.

it's the small things:
like when you look to the side and think i'm not watching,
or the giggle when i make stupid jokes.
you're perfect for me,
and that's what hurts the most.

i didn't know i would like you this much,
but the way you laugh
when i say something stupid,
the way your hands
touch my body,
and the way we stay talking for hours,
makes me want this forever.

we've always had a rough relationship.
i either refuse or simply can't.
i ate half a muffin yesterday because my father watched me.
i ate a slice of pizza at school because my friend was concerned.
it was all fine because i threw it up after.

intense,
excruciating,
unbearable,
torture.

this pain can't be explained;
it's so terrible i almost can't feel anything.

being numb may be better than this, though.

my old love poems for you
are breaking me apart as i write this.

you were my everything,
and now you're just words on a screen.

we were what used to be.

wake up
school
practice
sleep

read it again.

i talked about you today.
someone asked how i met you -
how we became true.

the feeling of lonliness
is awfully scary.
you have no one to talk to,
no one to keep you company.

i feel stuck.
i can't get out.
please help me
i'm stuck

i crave you.
i crave your hands running along my arm.

a soft kiss on my cheek
quickly accelerating
into something i should not be doing.

it's not because i'm young,
it's because i shouldn't love you.

our parents were taught we cannot love
who we want;
that love was limited.

this is another false idea society has created.
i feel too strong for this to be wrong.

i wish i wish i wish
i could be you
for just a night.

i wish i wish
i could feel genuine happiness.
for just a night.

i wish
i could be normal.
for just a night.

but that's life, right?
the point is to suffer?

maybe it's for a lesson.
but i'm smart enough.

maybe it's bad luck.
but i don't deserve it.

i love writing
i love all music
i love my girlfriend
i love my family
i love basketball
i love learning
i love debating
i love decorating
i love planning
i love movies
i love fashion
i love thinking about you
i love long boarding
i love my hair
i love my eyes
i love my stuffed animal
i love girls that remind me of the sun
i love feeling my emotions
i love my baggy jeans
i love sweatshirts
i love my room
i love my hands
i love my name
i love me.

but i also hate how i talk
i hate how i walk
i hate how i run
i hate my laugh
i hate my voice
i hate my mind
i hate ignorance
i hate skinny jeans
i hate ponytails
i hate when people touch me
i hate how they make me feel
i hate boys that are incels
i hate boys
i hate trump
i hate society
i hate my face shape
i hate my learning style
i hate my body
i hate me.

so which is it, noelle?

i'm not quite sure

but you promised me.
you said we were infinite.

why did you lie
  why
    why
      why

you're dragging me down a steep staircase.
and i'm allowing it.

because i love you.

"i never met anyone like you."
people say that,
but it's different for everyone.

we each meet our one person
who is almost perfect for us.
someone who meets every standard;
who sees the real you.

everyone has their flaws,
but when you notice them,
they don't matter.

who cares about the way you laugh or
the way you spit out your toothpaste
when you found your soulmate?

nothing else matters
when you meet your one.

once upon a time,
a beautiful woman fell in love
with a handsome man.
they did what was normal:
moved in
traveled
had a kid
had another
and then one more.

that last one was me.
dear god, i wish they had stopped after two.
they're not bad parents.
this is just a miserable world.

school
work
money
death.

i want more.
i demand more.

but when does it get better?
a year or two?
nope.
next week?
maybe.

no one knows.
maybe it never does.
it's all chance.

2.19.18

who ever thought you'd be the one
to put me back together;
to glue the broken pieces?
i sure didn't.

it was platonic,
it was nothing.
until one day, i noticed you.
you wanted me.
someone wanted me!
and two years later you still do.

somewhere in between i fell in love
with my best friend.

you're a girl, though.
surely i didn't think about kissing you every day.
surely i didn't look into your eyes longer than a straight girl would.  
surely i'm not gay.

but isn't that what they always say?

lean back,
listen closely to the lyrics,
feel the beat rush through your body,
let it drown out your sorrows.

it’s only momentary,
but it’ll make you feel something:
something more than agony,
something more than nothing.
any feeling is better than this.

you could say i’m addicted,
but music breathes.
music evolves.
music loves.
music dies.
and so do I.

that is my addiction:
i don’t feel so lonely all the time.

how can I ever be perfect
when i don’t even know what it means to be myself?

i’m thrown into a sea of lies:
drowning in the false idea that i’m more
than i really am.

i put a mask for your standards.
is it really becoming me,
or is my face cracking underneath?

imnotgoodenoughimnotgoodenough
i replay these words in my head
like a broken record.

they break off a piece of my true identity
until i cannot recognize myself;
until i look in the mirror and hate who I see.

but you made that happen.
i don’t know i am...
because of you.

the joy, grief, and comfort you provide me...

you shine when i can’t do so.
your brightness stings my soul.
only you can possibly know
what happens in the nighttime.

i envy you;
an object that can withstand forceful winds,
and the coldest of nights.

i look out to you
and hope i can find some clarity
on the darkest thoughts
that roam my mind.

i search for my true identity;
a search that may be endless,
but I must try.

if only I could be a sturdy streetlight,
planted in the earth,
instead of my head in the clouds.