You were dead when I met you
The person I met was just a ghost
What you turned to,to take away your pain
Took your soul
Your living as a empty shell
I kissed the lips of a corpse that night
I can't help but think
If I would of met you before the drugs did
That I could of saved you
You died the first time snorting it
The pain of it running down
Was your soul dying
When you felt yourself slipping away
From your problems
You never came back

All of a sudden i’m back to a wednesday afternoon
And i’m thirteen again,
Startled by a knocking on the door
Followed by an angry bellowing
And i see a face i had thought i was done with.
The door begins to creak open
Left unlocked and cracked,
The naivety of a trusting child
Excited to be home safe from a long day of school
And i push with all my might
To close and lock the door
Afraid he would get in -
Afraid of what would happen if he did.
Tears begin to fall,
Hesitant at first to leave my eyes
Then cascading down around me
Trying to drown my fear and myself -
He can’t **** me if i’m already dead.
Right?

I can hear myself screaming
And feel myself shaking
But i don’t feel like i’m there,
Trying to block it out,
Play it back like a movie
Where if i just wait long enough
The hero will come in
Save the day,
And save me.
A minute feels like an hour
As i pray and i pray and i pray
Hold onto myself for dear life,
Digging my fingernails into my skin
Trying to awake from this bad dream
Craving something sharper to help ease the pain
And the pounding continues
as i realize this isn’t a dream
Or a nightmare
But the nightmare my life has become
What did i do to deserve this?



In time the commotion ceases
I’m left alone
Trapped in a horror worse than before,
Wondering if he has left
Or is just waiting for me to stop hiding
Peek out from the basement,
See if he’s gone
Waiting….
Waiting for the perfect moment
To wrap his hands around my neck
Tell me he loves me one last time and end it
A final goodbye
The final ending
Dear god why did you abandon me at this crucial hour?

I cry myself to sleep that night
And for the next few as well
Coming home becomes a chore
Fills me with dread as i enter the driveway
I’m afraid to be alone
Lost in a panic
My mind’s always racing
And paranoia has set in like a blanket of doom
Always checking my back,
Wondering when he’ll appear
Finish the job he didn’t before
The days keep coming
The nights feel everlasting
I wish i could run away
Find somewhere that feels safe
Somewhere he’ll never be able to find me
But i’m trapped in this hell hole i call my mind
And I know that leaving won’t change a thing.
I just want to feel safe
Why can’t i ever feel safe?

Do not mourn long for the poet
This world was never made for men as him
Dare see future in destruction
Dare see pleasure in the pain
To be
Was all his only dream

Do not mourn long for the poet
But celebrate and find the truth he hid
So clever in his words
The beatific symbols
Which reveal
The ugliness of the world

Do not mourn long for the poet
Who no longer can create as the world dissipates
And the unknown will be
The only place he
Can ever have the hope
His soul may be at ease

Do not mourn long for the poet
His words were there long before his time
He was just the one to write them down
His future
Was only
Overcome the past

I loved you and you turned me to stone -
Took my soft words of caring
And sharpened them into daggers.
Stabbed me right through,
Cut out my heart
And left me to bleed out on the floor -
Stole the hope I had left and gave it to her
Used my kindness for your own personal gain
And got angry when I had nothing left to give

I loved you and you turned into a monster -
Or maybe you always were
And I was just too blind to see it.
The anger when things didn’t go your way -
When I stopped walking on eggshells
And began to raise my voice

I loved you and you destroyed me -
Broke me to pieces I may never repair
Rid my world of all that was good
Made sure I’d never feel safe;
That no place would ever feel like home
Forever bound to roam
Reminiscing on my life
Before I truly knew how hate could ****

The winds blows over
As the sun caves in
And I can feel my heart being buried;
The way he looked at me -
No through me
Spoke louder than his screaming at my door.
And panic settled into me
Like the rocking chair my body had become
With the mantra of leave me alone, leave me alone, let me go in peace!
I knew this would be it -
My end if he got in;
For he had lost when he thought he would win
Didn't break me as much as he'd wanted to
Didn't become the pawn in his scheme
I rebelled and made my own way
Took the knife out of me and stabbed him straight through
This would be his revenge
The ending of my life
But in the end all I lost was my safety,
My feeling of comfort and stability
And without that I can grow freely
Without inhibition become who I know I can be
He tried to destroy who I was
But in the end he just helped me to see

I talk a lot about staying strong -
But I don’t feel strong
Too weak for tears to even leave my eyes.
I speak words of why I live -
Endless reasons to keep breathing
When in truth I just don’t know how to die.
I preach of loving yourself -
Finding beauty in every day
But see my own world in shades of grey.
I write about bravery and growth -
Living my own adventure
When it’s always been for others that I’ve stayed.

There's something so beautifully melancholy about falling in love;
Knowing at the end there is only pain
and bravely trekking on anyways -
hoping it will be worth it in the end.
It could last years or months,
hours or only minutes -
Sometimes only seconds pass before a heart is shattered
and sometimes it seems like mere seconds
as a lifetime of love has come and gone.
Take in the moments while you can;
Worn out jeans and goofy faces,
all those hellos without goodbyes
and the way their eyes saw straight into your soul -
So that when faded paint is all that's left to remember
and the faint smell of cigarettes and **** is what tucks you in at night
you remember that these sacrifices are needed to make you feel alive.
Remember there wouldn't be good days without bad ones
and that you've survived so much before-
This too will soon just be another item on that list
Remember to keep living when there's nothing left to live for
and to love when the word's definition has been lost.
Remember, remember, remember -
to breathe when the skies fall around you
Because there is no high note in death,
no crescendo nor standing ovation,
no authors note nor sequel.
Remember to keep breathing.
You'll go mad but you'll pull through.
Learn to feel and love again,
find someone new to hold and give your heart to
knowing it will be smashed into a million pieces...
But I'd rather die a thousand deaths
before I never loved again.