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Nov 2018 · 237
Untitled
Jul 2018 · 278
?
Nicki Mngadi Jul 2018
?
Who?
When I've dressed my body in noise and pain
Why?
When love is a tumour I've forgot
Where?
When the artium is littered with hate and regret
What?
When my only offering to them is my lifeless soul

-MaMngadi
Dec 2017 · 292
Another part
Nicki Mngadi Dec 2017
Sacrificial ceremony began
A change awaits at the end of the narrow tunnel on the mountain
Here Isaac isn't saved
Here god doesn't provide
Here  sacrifices are not for faith but amnesia and granmothers smile

You are the sacrifice!!!
"For the days are dark and full of terror"
You don't wanna know...
Aug 2017 · 357
Pills...
Nicki Mngadi Aug 2017
Pills,vials and half lifes
Have left my mind hiding in tablet bottles. ..
Making love to the sweet torment of depressions ***** that i have grown to call home

The worthlessness knocks at my  door after a test..I don't open it
It creeps in after a quiz
Creeps after the lecture
Creeps in and kidnaps my mind

I am soaring with no place of rest my mind has become a beautiful graveyard...with the tombstones of self esteem, confidence and will to live ,who all died the same day,lie there side by side

I never unattended their funerals, I was too busy mourning under my sheets
Mourning in nightmares and perfect dreams
Mourning at my wedding ...
I suckled at the breast of sadness,yesterday wrote in his memoir...

Addendum:have you ever been niether dead nor alive?
Depressed pharmacy student
Feb 2017 · 635
Do my laundry...
Nicki Mngadi Feb 2017
***** laundry washed clean with her tears and rinsed
Hanged the not so ***** laundry under the gaze of her demise
They dry
And she collects them ....
Irons her anxiety for another day
Folds depression so she can embody its being tomorrow.
Irons today's smile and wears it...
Dec 2016 · 416
Unsorry
Nicki Mngadi Dec 2016
Involuntary   gags of apologies escape my mouth
And feeds their easily bruised egos
These apologies swaddle beneath my clenched fists
These apologies rip open my jaws and serve them for dinner
Well I am so
Sorry for being black
Sorry for  being woman
Sorry for being strong

Sorry is the noose that still grapples me in my sleep when watching my unborn daughters and nieces arrive shackled
But I have decided evicted sorry and told him he has no place in my mouth or in my mind
so I unsorry
Unsorry for being black
Unsorry for being woman
Unsorry  for being sorry

UnApologetic now resides
A piece in need of more work.. _But bottom-line I am done apologizing for who I am
Nov 2016 · 330
Letter to Love
Nicki Mngadi Nov 2016
I mentally pace back and forth tracing and tracking my train of thought and somewhere along these ragged,ratchet lines I get lost
My past right behind me has had it claws waged into my soul and regrets make their way to my tongue and come out as my apologies of unerasable black ballpoint markers that have mummified my previous lovers.
I have stopped corpsing but these cadavers wont get it
I sat there with my bent vertebra making sense of these calcified skeletons that have made a home in my remodeled closet right after being thrown out.An Elijah to them.
Our love being crucified by them.
But I hope that love is like Jesus or that somewhere in his genetics love is Jesus because if he is, with three days of darkness a resurrection is long over due. His eye filled with uncertainty.Regret wipes his smile away in a heart beat. His kisses turn bitter still hoping that love is Jesus or is the son of Jesus or a cousin even because then the hope that his kisses will be kisses again.

your Love
This is not religious at all....
Its about my past that haunt me and the fear of losing him
Sep 2016 · 859
incomplete words!!!
Nicki Mngadi Sep 2016
I just had an epiphany
a collective angry symphony of poetry
My words want to escape and spiral into existence
Grow feet and  wings
and  be the comfort of my mother
words   teach my brothers
I want you words be as a forgotten zygote
shouting with my CAPITALS
and hyphenate their sorrows and thanksgiving

words be as incense
soaring to the ends of the world
bow down in front of the creator
My words and I are messengers
Aug 2016 · 634
Who makes love?
Nicki Mngadi Aug 2016
Yesterday he was in me and the stars bowed as I touched the sky
maybe its not his rib I got but his pelvis
I'm in between laughter and crying.. some bare thin line
His hands are drawing contours on my skin
And

we all give in especially ,my *******,they surrender to him
my thighs are praying to him now
right after I wrap myself in him and fall into death for just a brief moment
My Him
Aug 2016 · 773
To:Samson
Nicki Mngadi Aug 2016
Persecution your honour
I breathe guilt
I bred lies
My suicidal innocent where are you?
Why have you left me hanging?
Truth why have I neglected your malicious teachings?
Have I none left?
Every staggering lie truer than the next
Inert emotions turned me into a female canine i confess
I am your Delilah Samson
Cutting off your strength strand by strand  
Deceitful intent with every touch
Every kiss an Anaphylactic shock it may seem
Pray you say
Pray I said for I am the grim reaper herself
Dressed as an angel of life: A daemon I am
Wear that Armour Goliath
Because as tiny as David maybe he is still capable of turning you into a corpse
Dead!!
Hail oh hail, my sorrowful woes
Drift away from this shipwreck
I, a hypocrite the knight of terror...
Forgive me Lord for I have sin
The sin of lies rocks me on its back, sleepless horror, rescue him Lord
Truth, truth, truth ,truth repetition decays meaning
Floods of sorry cannot erode the stone shape hurt I have imposed upon your child
Toss and turn, toss and turn in Noah’s flood...ark left you broken down
Repent I shall....
Trembling earthquake, forgive myself?
My discerning limbic...
Be mindful, my feelings are a catalyst in this reaction...unchanged
Proven by my cryogenic heart
THE CRYOGENIC HEART WHICH TREMBLES IN THIS ARID CLIMATE
WHERE THE HEAT OF CARING DEFIES CRYOTHERAPY
A CLIMATE OF SORROWFULNESS, DECEIT  WHY???
UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS NO THERAPY
BECAUSE THE IDES ARE COME
SOON TO BE GONE MAYBE
HOWEVER YET TO BE UNDERSTOOD
In this piece i have betrayed the one I love and I admit it.The last stanza is a message from my beloved.....
Aug 2016 · 1.2k
The deferred
Nicki Mngadi Aug 2016
Swept off her feet my dream has fallen
When a glimpse of my assurance seem to fade away
Curses derail her destination
Hovering with no place of rest
Untamed are her desires as she drifts away
To a forbidden refuge

Canning courtesy compliments
Her pretentious smile...
  Fills me with despair
As I view her ascending to a place unknown
Fragments of my once subtle hope scatter in all directions

Oh what do you do? What to do?
When she has left
What do you do with her promises?
When she is lost
Her once tender comfort  
A Sleepless hollow that swallows my hope whole

Refute takes her breath away
Confusion rises at dawn
Unfounded, unwanted...
Help me undreamed...
Will I ever be redeemed?

— The End —