To my mother, Gina,
Who's watching over me.
Today is your birthday.
You would have been 50.

You had me when you were 31,
And left me when you were 49.
No one knew that you were going.
No one still knows why at this time.

You were an angel of a woman.
A healer and a helper.
As I was growing up I'd say,
"I wanna be just like her!"

Even though life hit you hard,
You wouldn't let it phase you.
You'd keep a beautiful smile.
Oh, this much is true.

When you passed away,
It was a sudden blow.
Like from my chest my heart was ripped.
And from my body too was my soul.

Everyday I cry tears.
I leave the evidence on my shirt.
These tears stains are just evidence.
Evidence that it still hurts.

And today is your birthday.
May 2 is the date.
Today is your birthday.
50 is the age.

But you're not in the next room over.
Not there for me to run to.
I can't come say "Happy Birthday."
And you're not there to say "Thank you."

You're up in Heaven.
The big glorious kingdom in the sky.
And it's just got me thinking,
I wonder what birthdays in heaven are like.

You're celebrating a new life.
Eternal life is the name.
You get to walk those golden streets.
And never feel any pain.

But down here on earth,
We miss you, oh we do.
And it's heartbreaking that we have to go to a graveside.
Just to sing "Happy Birthday" to you.

But even through the pain,
There's still happiness here.
Knowing we get to celebrate you.
Is the greatest celebration my dear!

So today is your day.
Our celebration will ring through.
Happy 50th Birthday Mom.
I love and miss you.

Competition is a dangerous game.
People of all different sizes and all different colors compete daily with one another.
In sports, school, television, life.
Competition tends to drive our society.
People wake up every day ready to compete against someone.
When will we learn that in the end, every grave looks the same?
Because competition is deadly.

If 7 billion people are competing for the same spot on the mountain top,
That better be a **** big mountain.

Falling freely has become a specialty.
A long, painstaking journey from the top has become routine.
Almost as routine as tying your shoes.
Just think about it.
You take a pair of shoes out of a closet daily.
You place your left foot in the left shoe, and mirror that with your right.
Your feet familiarize themselves with the rubber insole within.
You take both laces in your hand, both possibly resembling a small, hairy animal going around a tree.
Now, instead of tying those laces, take them and make a noose.
Fixate said noose around your neck and tie it.
And whenever someone asks what the most important piece of advice you learned during your fall from the top,
Tell them this:
“If the shoe fits, wear it.”

Are you scared?
Because I am.
I live my life everyday being scared of something.
I can't stand it.
I know I'm fine.
But my mind is telling me different.
It's like a constant devil on my shoulder.
Except its in my head.

Are you tired?
Because I am.
I live my life everyday being tired of the day to day operation of my being.
From school to home life, it's all a mess.
I keep forgetting to do things because I am suddenly remembering to do things.
Get it?
Cause I don't.

Are you fed up?
Because I am.
I'm fed up with how life moves on and forgets you.
Like when something extreme happens in your life.
You just want people to stop and ask you what's wrong.
And sometimes, you just want them to hold you.
But you realize they don't.
People have their own lives to live.
The world moves on, even if you don't.

But that doesn't mean you have to quit.
As individuals, we all have our own intricate vocabularies populated by words we find intriguing not only to our tongues, but other's ears.
And in that vocabulary, there should never be the word: quit.
Quitting is something that we should be allergic to.
We should hate.
We despise.
Because if after all we've been through we want to quit, we're not realizing our full potential.
Reach for it.
Grab it.
We have to chase our ambitions.
Our ambitions won't come to us.
But quitting will.
It will rear its ugly head at every turn.
But we must never give up.

Are you a survivor?
Because I am.

Have you ever walked through a store and stopped at the bakery?

Just stopped and stared at the doughnuts?

Noticed how they had a hole in the middle?

Man, how they resemble my heart.

Well, aren't you just superior to everyone else?
Well, you act that way.
Well, well, well.
You just make me so mad sometimes.
You sit up there on your high horse and look down upon all of us.
I've traveled with you for years and I thought we were one in the same.
But now I realize this isn't the thing for me.
You left me behind while I was wallowing in my own sadness.
And the worst part is, you tried to act like it was ok.
And the even worse part is, you said it was my fault.
"You wish I would have" is something that will pierce my ears for many years to come.
I guess you'll just wash me away like the ocean.
Well, the ocean is a beautiful thing to see.
Except when it's cold out.
But now you've gone and done it.
And by it I mean moved on.
It's a bitter pill to swallow that after all someone can do and thrive at, that they get dumped to the wayside.
I guess I can use my talents here.
But boy, I could use them some place else, I know for sure.
Go ahead, forget all that I've done.
Forget my past accomplishments.
Forget what I've contributed.
Forget me.
Oh, but it seems you already have.
So have fun.
But don't spend too long "wishing" I'd been there.
I'm too busy wallowing in my own sadness.

My muse has left my body.
They must be following the trail of tears.
I've never felt pain like this before.
November 14, 2014 will be a date I will forever hate.
That was the day my mother was taken from this world.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she can no longer feel pain.
But man, the pain I feel right now is unbearable.
And now I have to keep walking this path alone.
And I don't even know the way...