I have stood under hot water,
Pinching skin,
Breathing in steam,
Begging my lungs to heave,
To sob,
To wail,
I'm empty,
Just steam and grief,
Lodged in a moment,
I cannot escape from,
I am not happy,
You don't believe me,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I am not happy,
I cannot weap,
But I am not happy,
Do not take my smile,
Do not call it love,
I am not happy.

I hate to say that you're always right,
Sometimes anxiety is just truth,
I'll keep you calm anyways,
Tell you you're not always right

You will forever,
Be my always

Grief begins to clump,
In the shallows of my stomach,
Clay settles, builds, hardens
How can one be so full
After such a loss?
I loved who I was,
I speak of myself like a eulogy,
I am a priest over my own bed,
Demanding myself to leave,
To come back,
To do anything but lay here
I am grieving myself,
Becoming a mold for my own casket.

I heard about how kind you are
How good you are with children
You are a good man, you know,
I'm lucky to have you around.

I heard about where you were
When you didn't come home
How lovely you were with strangers
Before you came home drunk to us.

When faced with a mountain,
I discovered that I could climb
A raging river in my path,
I learned how well I could swim
In the midst of hatred,
I knew the depths of my love.

I used to take every bit of pain,
Rage burning, building, breaking me
I used to take it and place it on Ben Affleck
A shrine for my disappointment
A religion created to spare you my anger,
Funny how I couldn't hate him,
When I realized you were both the same Devil.