Staggering around*
-Tis' the middle of the night-
Ouch! That was my foot.

During those long, tedious 9-5 days,
glancing out the workplace windows,
sometimes I'll wish nothing more than
to just go outside and lie in the grass.
As I would lie there bathing in sunlight
the ground would come up, grab me
keeping me rooted in its dirt,
while the wind
would blow away my troubles.  

Some days I actually visualize it.
Me, slogging away the days work,
somehow whimsically stumbling outside.
I would arrive at the grass tired,
with a sad, dead look in my eyes.
Magically, the earth would rise up to greet me.
Hugging me, taking me in, it would whisper
"It's ok, your home now."

the silence is like a double edged sword.
in its presence, with discipline
many thoughts and feelings can be slain.
but don't naively believe
that what's trying to be killed
can't and won't
fight back

happened among the chaos of living.

Unconsciously willingly stabbed,
slowly unknowingly bled to death.

Spirit doesn't die though
it suffers,
suffers to live again.

I wouldn't call myself a poet.
I'd say that my being
is constantly bleeding
varied thoughts and convoluted feelings.
And the only cloth I have to clean myself up with
is rhythmic metaphor.

It's friday.
It's pay day.
The week's over and I bring in some revnue.  
Time to use this hard earned money
to live, provide, to continue to thrive.
Also it being the weekend and me not having to work,
I can do the things I want to do now.
I can enjoy a little time to myself.

Now I can live.
Right?

Wrong.

Reality soon hits
like a glass of spilled water
on a brand new laptop computer.

The realization of
bills to be paid,
more work to be done,
is a painful one
to someone
already suffering from
a chaotic life and societal blues.
    
Mr. Paycheck comes and goes
making you wait that much longer
to get the resources needed to reach your goals.
Ms. Weekend never stays
because her time's always spent
on more work for the weekdays.

For a moment your happy because
moments anticipated come.
It's odd.
We wait for those moments of joy,
for those specific moments to live,
yet waste the majority of our lives away
in moments unwanted.  
Why do we encapsulate our happiness into moments
then wait for those moments to come around?

Sigh.
These depressing thoughts slowly fade.  
They'll probably be back; no doubt about that.
But, since the moment's arrived
in which these thoughts no longer thrive
Now, I can live...
Right?

Words repressed.
Thoughts somewhat cause
unwanted distress;
puts you right on the edge of
ok and depressed.
Chill presence, words of comfort from the rest
try, but do little to restore you to your best.
It's a mess.
Really gotta get rid of some of this stress.
Continuing on, hoping to pass always late test
of things that honestly hold little to no interest.

Sigh.

Poems attest
to thoughts repressed
of words that can't always be
expressed,
that linger
*unspoken.

Away from agony, closer to love.
In the middle of mental torment
detach yourself from thought.
With each step, let go a little more
until you find yourself
inches, feet, miles
away from yourself.

You can't stay the same.
Try, and nothing will remain.
Constantly evolve,
let your negative aspects dissolve.

Start walking then run.
Become smarter, have fun.
Strive to be
the person you want to see.

a heart bleeding into rhyme
i'm not alone, these emotions are not just mine

some poets
express not for attention
but in hopes that someone will listen
relate and understand
maybe, possibly hold their hand
let them know that there's more to existence
than what they're feeling in this current instance
someone who realizes that these are not mere words
but an aching soul, crying out to be heard

grey
the perfect way
to describe
today

it wasn't ok...

memories
please, fade away
let no remnants
remain

the more expressed
the more i lose
trying to connect
but don't know what to do

emotional landscape
feelings rampage and wander
reality drips away

moments pieced together with
fatigued numbness,
trying to get back to
supreme oneness

consciousness fluctuating
highs and lows
mind debates between
yes and no's

Sorrow broke in
plunged me into insanity
have to escape this nightmare
back to reality

An empty hello
is worse than
an empty presence.

An empty presence leaves me wondering,
an empty hello
is a direction reflection
of how much you don't care.

finding shards of your love
in the isolation
of our separation

I'm in pain because I possess too much.
Others cause pain because they don't possess enough.

I tied myself on to you
thought we were connected
jumped off a cliff too soon though
now I'm all conflicted
nothing caught the rope,
why didn't I test it...

Behind bars of shame and regret - I see you.
Memories from times pass return,
pulling the threads of a poorly sewn heart.

Once the ties are loose enough,
deep inside the memories go.
They find a place of remorse
    where exist a lost promise
        to you
            that could not be fulfilled

From there, emotions flare
The walls of this heart begin to tear.
My deepest desire completely bare
All I want is you.

Time stands still during the most insufferable moments...

Hell last an eternity,
while heaven falls short of a second.

Wanting nothing more than
to change the polarity.
Turn this agony
into eternal heavenly.

Those occurrences of intimate bliss
when your filled with so much joy and warmth
stumbling around lost in a love stricken daze,
euphoria is all that you know

And then suddenly, it happens
the shattering of the heart
broken glass everywhere,
each step becomes more painful
than the last

Even though the experience proved to be harmful
they filled you with so much elation, so much glee
that regardless of the previous agony
you eagerly seek to become lost in their warmth again

two years ago I died
trying to figure out how to live
but now that i'm "alive"
I feel even more dead.

way back when
when I was cracked and bruised and struggling
consciousness never left me.

now a days
days go by without notice
noticing very little
little to be enjoyed
enjoying almost nothing
nothing remains.

now, awareness is
that long forgotten friend
showing up when it doesn't matter.

a tired mind
needs no sheets
it blankets itself
with drowsiness

Enlightenment?
In light he meant,
for he is no longer
surrounded
by shadows.

Shadows...
a little sad though,
the rest
are still lost
in darkness.

Reality paints itself
with the color palette
of our souls.

pieces of soul
fragments of the greater whole
speaking through reflections of word.
so vast in its existence
so mysterious in its comprehension
how else could it be expressed
but through metaphor.

that punch to the heart
has me feeling dazed and confused
these stars I see are not the ones I want to remember
when thinking of you

Clouds roar, rant and rage
crying out their pain.
Fluids held within release.  
The same is true of people  

You can always tell
when rains about to fall
because of the darkness in the clouds.
Likewise you can always tell
when a person's about to cry
because of the sadness in their eyes.

Conclusions -
Whether it's tears or rain,
the manifestation of pain
results the same.

The right to be
to put it
simply
I want to be free
I wish to be me