You know how your follicles open and your heart tightens.
The way your ***** creep upward when you gift her something thoughtful.
Things.

That's how I feel when I make you *** 5 times in one day.
That's my thoughtful gift.
Feelings.
Physical and intrinsic.

You know how important you feel when she buys you 4 bean bags which look good only next to her insular lava lamps.
Kingly.

And I. I am only most important when you leave me your words to immerse myself in.
I am chosen then abandoned for her throne.

Think about that and ask me why I can't work with you if I can't have your words inside of me if only to crown you King.
******* it sir.

Pause
again, i need to remind myself
to pause
Control- i have none.

Pause
to sit with the idea of no control
living off my rented apartment and
breaking bread in a village
outside Paris
writing to you by day and
******* you by night
learning another language and bastardizing it to perfection
giving you my ****** as readily,
as easily as i am taking yours
knowing my life not to be here.

Pause
for when i return
no one will seem to remember or caring to recall
that i am no longer there at all
i dont exist
if i don't exist

Pause
nothing to control me
more magical, nothing to control
propelled by fear of nothing at all

Pause