"Did you look at the stars and think of me too?"

"I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.
And in that way, I understood him."

Every man that I have ever let inside me is you,
Mom.
Every man that I have ever let see me,
touch me, open me up.
Expecting them to tear down the walls that are hundreds of feet high,
just to walk right through
as if my guarded heart is a sliding glass door.  
As if they can see right through my frame.
They see me: bold, opinionated, strong.
But They all have all looked right though me, and can see the little girl who wants to be loved.
They told me they loved me.
Touched the hidden places that have hurt to touch,
as if they knew exactly where they could be found.
Only to treat me like a warm body for their cold. Blood.
They take me as a shell.

Because, like you Mom, they exploit me.
Use my weakness in seeing good, reading what makes me tick,
Learn to gain my trust.
Just to abandon me.
Like you.

It's been almost a year since you left me.
I still find myself waiting for you to miss me-
But how can I miss someone who hurt me so deeply?
Pathetic.

I have spent so many nights crying to my angels-
Begging them to bring you back.
Cursing them ever for bringing you to me in the first place.
Screaming pain into the void.
A pain that only comes from loss.

I hate myself because I still love you-
After everything that you put me through.

But now-
I’d rather go home alone then go home with you.
Maybe I don't hate myself at all.

But maybe I misread the moon.
(She never hides things for long).
You never gave me the chance
to understand why you hate me.

But maybe this is Her way of saying:
by having you completely gone
A new path can finally be cleared.