i have no sort of remedy in me to relieve this madness i’ve created. my existence contributes nothing to the prosperity of the human condition. my spirit breeds discord and torture to the one i love most and that alone tosses me further into this abyss of self-loathing and deceit. i have nothing but “i’m sorry” to offer. i am utterly useless to this bustling globe

using someone until they put


out





and thinking you're better than you are.





i don't care who's the one thinking it.

let it take you

i cried on the edge of the bed and you sat there
later taking me into your arms i pushed you away
i felt like i was screaming but i don;t know if you could even hear me
i was screaming on the inside, rather
screaming at myself

you grabbed me and hugged me and i felt on fire and so cold
i didn't feel at all.


let it take you

i couldve controlled myself and deep breathed but i was too
tired to control it so
here we were.
i cant help feeling like i did that to diffuse or if i did that to implode for once in a long while.

i sort of missed the screaming
at least i was honest with myself.

and then you finally reached into the turbulent waters and grabbed me from my sea of grey numbness. i felt warm in the dark and you followed me to the bathroom, i still felt on autopilot and you held me and i felt your chest shake like you were crying
but the lights were off and i couldn't tell.

i never wanted you to have to see me like that but it's happened too many times now and i still feel like im never there for you when you fall .  i want your vulnerbility in front of me so i can show you how much i love you. i want honesty in emotions and i want to know how you feel all of the time
i promise it's not me just being polite.
i want to know you at every second at every time in every feeling you have

your heart was fluttering i could feel it while i was buried in your chest and i wanted you to tell me what you wanted to

i think you sometimes share the feelings that i do but you feel like you have to be strong for me, please
once in a while

let it take you

i'll come in after you
we'll be better because of it and i know this is true
but the way you said i love you when it was through.

i really wanna ******* marry you.

summer is so hot and lonely
and sometimes i wonder
if the skin i am in
betrays me to the world.

i forget without forgiving,
i remember without wanting to
and yet
i want to remember
deep breaths,
georgia,
driving with the top down while
going eighty miles per hour
on a no-name/
dead end
road.

please.
remind me:
why can’t i just fly into the sun
and
feel the heat melt away my flesh
until i am no longer a body?
until i am just soul?
until i am freed?

the starlight/sunlight/pale light
keeping me alive has the power
to tear the life away from me.
do you believe it?

wherever god is,
i think she is crying,
but she’s laughing as well.
she’s laughing at pain, she’s
crying for love, and
somewhere there’s a sun shower.
children are playing and dancing in it,
and a mother tells her son
that “the devil is
beating his wife.”
a son tells his mother,
“this feels
too much like love
to be an act of violence”

and so it goes.

let me begin by saying what i feel i can't (not allowed) to say enough
(for fear of sounding forced and polite)

i am sorry

allow me to go on, please don't quit here.

let me continue with saying what i feel i should
(for fear of losing you)

i am going to choose to use my words more wisely,   now .

"i spoke to you in cautious tones"
something i have not, something i will

i thought i was the one with the roses, picking at the thorns.
i was giving you thornless roses, i suppose, because i didn't want you to get hurt by them.
i want to see the thorns as truths and yet i gave these, thornless.

"and if my silence made you leave"
that is my own mistake. that is my worst.
my silence = keeping you in the dark
(̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶y̶n̶o̶n̶y̶m̶o̶u̶s̶)̶ ̶
i have made them synonymous.

i'm sorry.
please let me continue.

"and so it goes"
as my y-turn in the snow
i left you in the cold
to ponder
with your eyes c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶d̶  open
( i know you won't sleep tonight,
i'm sorry)

"and that is why my eyes are closed"
they are mine and you are what is s̶e̶e̶n̶  seeing

"you're the only one who knows"
more than me.
more than i.
you've always been right in opening my eyes.

"and still i feel i've said too much"
something i can not claim.
i am too careless with my words
and i've dropped my thorns
through the meadow and now you follow the trail and
piece me together
without me knowing that i've lost anything.

i am sorry
it's not okay
you've forgiven me, i suppose.

"in every heart there is a room"
and i feel i've left yours empty.

i want to fill it.

"so i will share this room with you"
as i want to
as you'd like me to (as i selfishly assume)

"but you can make decisions too"
as you do, you don't need me to say you can.
you've always known that.

"and so it goes"