Three years later
And I still find myself
Dreaming of your eyes
And craving your touch

But I know better
Than to pick up
The phone and
Call

Because your smile
No matter how kind
Will hurt me
A lot more
Than a bag of drugs
Ever could

Building walls
Impenetrable
To everyone
Except you

I allow you in
Just so you
Can tear me apart
From the inside out

I used to idolize you
And I could never believe
You would deliberately hurt me
You didn't mean it
It wasn’t your fault
A million excuses
Exchanged for a million bruises
That lined my skin
In semi-permanent remembrance
of you

Five years later
I can still see those black and blue marks
That once blotted my skin
But now I am awake
And no longer oblivious
To your lies

5 years of slumber
1,825 days
Or 43,800 hours
And even 2,628,000 minutes
Of being blind to you

But the mathematics do not matter
Because you do not measure
Pain the same way
You measure time

Finally speaking, 5 years later
After being silenced by my own mind
Trapped by the fear that no one
Would understand
Let alone care

5 years of being scared and afraid
Like an animal
Who was hit too many times
Only because I was too ignorant
To run from what I thought
Was love

And now it has been three days
Since his return
Old wounds have resurfaced
5 years worth of scars
Of bruises
Of horrible, horrible memories
All oppressed by my notion
Of what love really was

I can feel my skin become tender
From where you used to abuse
Your power

But the difference now
Is that I am strong
I am not measly
Nor weak
And I will never cower
Below your shadow again
5 years of recovery
And torture and pain

But now I can live
The rest of my life
An eternity with an infinite
Amount of possibilities
Because I am not scared

Not anymore
Because after 5 years of being weak
I arise from my hibernation
And come out courageous

When loneliness may become your only friend
addicted to something

so silly

as attention

and a desire
to be admired

and adored


will always have you

end up

alone


prime goal of every addiction

is to stay in control

therefore deny

what you long for most


and it refuels itself with your energy
every now and then

when it makes you feel

worthless and nothing special


so it can thrive on you

once more

when you’re high

and everything feels so right


learn to be alone

even when it hurts like Hell

and kick that addiction

you’ll see

it will runaway scared

when it knows

you’re strong enough

to stand on your own


and I will then hold you

in my arms

after waiting for so long

to finally become the only friend
giving you

everything you could ever want
without asking

anything