I haven't been "okay" in a very long time.

When it comes down,
We raise our hands
It wets the grass
And soaks the sand
We sing a song
To show our glee
The rain comes down
To sing with me

You are poison in my veins
And I can't stop saying yes
You would drag me down to hell
And I would bind myself to help you

The worst part is
That I don't know
Whether to wait for you
Or let you go

She tried to show the cracks
That lay ridden in her heart
To show the bleeding veins within
Before she fell apart

She tried one time to tell them
But they didn't understand
The hell that she was going through
Was getting out of hand

They didn't think to ask her
Until it was too late
They'd lost their chance too heal the cracks
She'd been crushed from all the weight

So when it finally ended
It came as quite a shock
They asked and cried and wondered why
she never tried to talk

But oh the irony of death
For people never say
How much they really love you
Until you've gone away

When I feel you've forgotten me
And life seems to drag me down,
I bury my face in the things you've touched,
And inhale like I'm about to drown.

And I see
Little miracles
Every day

It feels like my existence is one prescribed pill dosage to the next.

It took me a long time,
But it was in the calm of the morning
With the sun shining through my window
On a warm summer day
That made me realize
Maybe I'm okay with being alive
And for the first time in many years
Maybe I want to be

As long as I live
I will never understand
How murdering babies
Became justified.

I know it hurts
I know it's deep
And dark
And I know it's all you can do
To not drag that blade
Across your wrists
Or take a step
Off that Cliff
But just
Just hold on
One more time
One more sunset
One more horrible day
One last effort
Because
It's
It's about to get so so good
There is a point to your pain
Just
Keep hold
Please
You're so close
And
I swear
Soon you're going to look back
And be so glad that you held on
Even when you thought all you had
Every ounce of strength
Was gone
You're so close

Do you miss it?
The innocence
The ignorance
When kissing and hugs were still icky
It wasn't about ***
And didn't make you long for something real
When the summers were all sunshine
And no school
And you didn't have to go to bed until 9 instead of 8
The times when mom always
Had hot cocoa waiting when you came inside from playing in the snow
Alcohol was exciting
When mom gave you a sip
Because it was Forbidden,
And now it's just a way to escape the gray misery
When cooking was fun
Because you COULD and didn't HAVE TO
You could make a mess of flour and dishes
But now you have to clean up after
Your money can't go to gumballs and quarter machines
Now it goes to rent and car trouble
Staying up until midnight was still fun
Instead, you have to be in bed at 7
Because you have to work tomorrow
And after that, you have a doctor appointment
Do you miss when Saturdays were for sleeping
Not running the errands you couldn't during the week
A day of shopping was fun, and now it makes you nervous because you only have $60 in your wallet and you still have to get a few groceries
A day at the beach was fun
You would come home tired
And sun soaked
Now you only dread the sand you'll get in the car
People ask how you are and you tell them
"Great!"
Things aren't great
But they really are okay
Because you don't have lovers, but you are loved
Your siblings are friends instead of annoying
You used to fight with them over the last of the soda
But now Pepsi makes you sick
And your mom isn't mean anymore,
She's your anchor
Your best friend
You call her more than your 12-year-old self would have thought
And your dad is always there
When you have questions about
Life
Cars
Small fixes around the house
You got good rest last night
And that's enough for you
Even if yesterday you drank three cups of coffee because you needed the energy
Not just because it tastes good.
Because you really do feel fully rested
You go home to a quiet house
But your plants are enough company
And maybe your neighbor would like to come over for tea on the weekend
You work long and hard
But that's okay because you know you'll sleep well
And you have church tomorrow
And the singing always makes you feel alive
And when the sun sets
On your day
It's lovely,
And you watch it go down with a glass of something cold
And make a mental note to pay the water bill

Often the choices that are the hardest to
Make are the ones that lead us to
Better things

I'd like to believe
The world is kinder
Than it appears