Marisa Lu Makil: Poems

Death, it has no hold on me
The Lord is slowly changing me
Into the person I should be
Oh, praise His holy name

He holds me and tells me, "Be still."
I know my God abideth still
I wish only to do His will
Hosanna, all the glory

He leads me beside quiet streams
He says He's never leaving me
My God will always reign Supreme
To Jesus, exultation

My Father, He is great and strong
I know my soul to Him belongs
I need not fear the devil's throngs
My life is thine, oh Father

Whom else have I in heav'n but thee
You weaveth my life steadily
My shelter in the stormy sea
Oh, praise the Lamb of God

I hang my head in shame and doubt
You tell me I am clean, without
My sin and I can't help but shout,
"Emmanuel-God with us!"

And when I reach the golden shore,
I will live in sin no more
For Jesus, my transgressions bore
Jehovah, I adore thee.

I've been struggling with my faith for what seems like years. I'm not sure how long it has been in actuality, but my greatest fear is that when I die, I won't go to heaven. I am a very bad Christian, I know that. But for some reason, faith that I am truly an heir to the promise escapes me. It comes and goes in waves. Some days, only praise is on my lips, and I can feel Christ surrounding me with love. Other days I feel like Hagar in the desert, hungry and thirsty for belief, but waiting to die. I feel like I'm going insane. Oh God, please stop this, I cannot weather this trial.

119 · Aug 2019

Now and Later

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2019

Now and Later

Trust
That He will give you
Great blessings
In His own time.

Waiting on blessings is hard, but it's worth it. I need that reminder more than anyone.

118 · Apr 2023

Bloody Sin

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2023

****** Sin

You are poison in my veins
And I can't stop saying yes
You would drag me down to hell
And I would bind myself to help you

I have a problem. I have many. One main sin that seems to keep coming back again and again. I keep telling myself that that's not who I am anymore, and it's no longer what I want, but the right situation comes along, and I willingly drown myself in the ****** taste of sin.

118 · Aug 2018

Untitled 46

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2018

Untitled 46

Even the waves break on the sand

118 · Nov 2019

Wintery mix of the two of us

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2019

Wintery mix of the two of us

Sometimes I want to forget you
I want to forget all the pictures we took
All the adventures we went on
Braving the cold
When no one else would
I want to forget
Laughing with you
So hard it hurt
On car rides to nowhere
I want to forget
Going hiking
And getting coffee
Sometimes I want to forget
That you were ever in my life
And imagine that all we were
Was passing strangers
On a busy street
But then... And now
With tearful eyes
I remember how full of each other we were
I remember the joy we had
Bundled up on Sundays
When we refused to turn on the heater
Because we'd rather buy pizza
Than pay the electric bill
I remember all the memories we made
With such naivety
That all that happiness would last forever
I want to freeze us in that frame
And pretend it never fell apart
I want to forget the icy cold
That is between us now
And I want to forget I ever knew you

It's cold, I'm tired, I'm awake... And even though I know that the way things are is better, I wish we were better together.

117 · Aug 2017

Untitled 36

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2017

Untitled 36

My day is no longer
One moment to the next
One hour to the next
One smile to the next

Instead it is
One dosage to the next
One pill to the next
One health issues to the next

And for all of the effort
I put into remembering
My pills
I'm not living anymore
I am only existing

116 · Jun 2019

Untitled 54

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2019

Untitled 54

I honestly thought I was over you
But here I am
At 5:02 PM on a Wednesday
And all I want to do is hear your voice again.

To someone I don't know

115 · Aug 2018

Fond Memories

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2018

Fond Memories

I miss the way you
Would hold me in your arms and
Press your lips on mine

*Haiku*

114 · Dec 2017

Used to believe

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2017

Used to believe

I used to believe
In happy endings
I used to believe
That everything would work out
That one day
I would find someone
I used to live
Like I was waiting for the greatest
Moment
Ever
I used to have faith
In humanity
In good
And in myself

But I guess it's been too long
Now a sunny day is just weather
A smiling stranger
Is just another person
Beautiful things are just
Creations

I used to believe that I would meet
The man of my dreams
But now I know
That I already have
And now I know
That he will never be mine

God always seems to put words in my head at the strangest times.

113 · Oct 2017

Perfect

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2017

Perfect

Something doesn't have to last forever
To be perfect
Some things
Are only for the now
And oh, how much more precious
They are made
Because of it

112 · Oct 2023

Today I Was Good To Myself

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2023

Today I Was Good To Myself

Today I was good to myself
I woke up and went right back to sleep
Even though I'd already slept 8 hours.
Then I did it again
And I got 11 hours of sleep

Today I was good to myself
I got up and made a yummy breakfast
I didn't worry about making my bed
Not right away
I just ate bacon and drank a smoothie

Today I was good to myself
I made 3 cups of my favorite hot tea
And I put fresh local honey in it
And a bit of lemon juice
And I let myself feel it
Travel down my chest
And into my belly
Hot and soothing

Today I was good to myself
I spent an hour and a half in my bible
Highlighting
And Journaling
And admiring the beautiful words

Today I took care of myself
I kept all the lights off except one
I paid my overdue bills
And I talked to my plants
And read a book
And I watched scifi
It's my favorite

Today I was good to myself
I didn't let myself worry
About money
Or work
Or church
Or anything else
I just let myself be at peace
I didn't even get dressed

Today I was good to myself
I took a hot bath
I put Epsom salt bubbles in it
And Eucalyptus bath salt
And I soaked away all the stress of the last couple months

Today I was good to myself
I wasn't productive
Not really
I let myself rest
Today I didn't do anything
But I did the important thing
And I was good to myself

I have such a hard time letting myself relax and not be productive, and it's so true that if you don't give yourself a break sometimes, your body will force you to take one. I caught up on rest after having been awake for 23 hours straight on Saturday. And now I'm laying across the foot of my bed with soft music playing, and a book on one side, my tea on the other. I'll call my mom at 8 and then I'll go back to bed. Today I was good to myself.

112 · Jan 2023

New Wine

Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2023

New Wine

There's something lost inside us
We search for all our lives
We cannot put it into words
Nor anything derived

We search for it in drugs and drink
And *** in hopes that we
Might find the thing we cannot find
And see what's yet unseen

We look in every way we can
In everything we think
"If only I try hard enough"
Then pour another drink

We cannot find it in the ground
Or searching high and low
Traveling the sea won't help
Nor trudging through the snow

It's something beautiful we want
That seems just out of reach
We cannot seem to grasp it
Or find someone to beseech

We cannot put it into words,
It's something in our souls
It's been missing for so long,
We find new things to fill the holes

New hobbies, or a way of life
We've never tried before
Your desperation 'comes more rife
We ache for something more

But puzzles that aren't finished
Can't be fixed with foreign things
They never seem to fit quite right
When subject to our whims

We weary of this path we walk
We can't find what we seek
I've found that on my darkest days,
I cannot even speak

Who would have thought that on my knees
I found that which I sought?
And I found that my surrender
Had a thousand treasures wrought

I will not say that I am whole,
He's working day by day
But I've seen that my heart finds its rest
When I bow my head to pray

112 · Dec 2018

Skin deep

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2018

Skin deep

If there is one thing
That I have learned
From my lack of health
It is that
I am more than my illness
I am more than my headaches
Or the room spinning around me
More than my unsteady steps
And crippling anxiety
I am more than all the noise
That echoes in my ears
And I am more than all the pain
I've felt for all these years
I am more than aching backs
And needles in my feet
I am more than dizziness
And more than lack of sleep
I am more than lights to bright
They hurt my eyes and head
I am more than wakefullness
When I go to bed
I am more than doctors
And medicines and pain
I am still someone inside
There's more that I contain

111 · Jun 2023

12:53

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

12:53

I keep looking at the clock
Wanting to go home
But not home
Anywhere
And nowhere
Wanting to fall asleep for a long time
Until I'm okay again
But it's only 12:53
And I still have 7 hours and 7 minutes
Until I can go home

It was a bad day...night...whatever.

110 · Nov 2022

Coliseum

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2022

Coliseum

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
How
Long
Until
These
Trials
Are
Over?

It's been a long day, full of good friends and good memories. Why do I still feel this way?

110 · Dec 2017

Silence

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2017

Silence

Bring in the silence of the darkness
the sweet serenity of night
The companionship of the moon
The quiet-my delight

I don't remember the last time there was silence in my head.

109 · Oct 2018

The truth is

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2018

The truth is

It's dead in my soul
Deep beneath my skin
No longer beating
Breathing
Only spasming
From time to time

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to hurt you
I don't want attention
I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Until my voice runs away
Until my vocal cords snap

I don't want to be a part of something
I want to tear myself apart

I may not want to die
But I don't want to live

108 · Apr 2019

Time Between Us

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2019

Time Between Us

I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity

107 · Aug 2023

Identity Theft

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023

Identity Theft

They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?

The more I learn about myself, the more I hate who I am.

107 · Aug 2022

Sometimes I Look In Your Eyes (pt. 4 Concrete finale)

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022

Sometimes I Look In Your Eyes (pt. 4 Concrete finale)

I didn't know our night would end that way
Both of us in the car
Me afraid of what you would say
It wasn't the fact that you said it
It was the way you spoke of me
As of I'm a light fairytale
You spoke of my smile
My laugh
You said that even my presence puts you at ease
And I know you don't say that lightly
I was trembling through it all
Afraid you would lean over
And kiss me
And more afraid
That I felt beautiful
After all that you said
I was blushing
And couldn't look you in the eye
You think I'm a goddess
When I'm falling apart
I would wreck you
I don't want to lose what we have
But the words came out
And everything shattered
Everything is different
Everything has changed
And I don't know whether to try and fix it
Or if I should just run
Run from you
From your words
From what could have been
I don't know if I want to try and fix us
Or if I never want to see you again
I wish you would take it back
Now the bitter aftertaste of last night
Is going to follow us
You said things I've always wanted to hear
But why, God, did it have to be you?

One of my close friends told me he loved me. He spoke of my laugh, my smile, how when I touch him, he doesn't want to flinch away like he does with everyone else. Nothing will come if it; nothing can. It's a bitter tragedy. No one has ever spoken to me like that, but why did it have to be you? The one with whom it would never work? My heart wants to embrace you, my mind wants to run away now all I can do is pray.

107 · Nov 2017

Sleepless Nights {Haiku}

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2017

Sleepless Nights {Haiku}

I often wonder
What silence must be like and
Where peacefulness lies

I've been struggling with tinnitus, and it's so loud. I don't remember what silence is like.

107 · May 2019

To Myself

Marisa Lu Makil May 2019

To Myself

I want to write a poem
But you've even taken that
Even every word in my mind and heart
Has been squeezed out
Broken from it's home
You are a thief
A robber in the night
You have taken all my happiness
Every drop of positivity is gone
Dripping down
And
Down
Into the darkness
A wall of black
That even light cannot penetrate
It's wrong
How you live
With every will
Gone
Every wish
And hope
And dream
Are no more
Because you
You
Have taken it all
You deserve nothing
And you are nothing
And you will amount to nothing
You are a worm
In a wonder world
Wandering
Breaking everything
Failing everyone
And losing everything
Good
You have pushed it all away
You are a burden on all
And you deserve your loneliness.

I'm having a really hard day

107 · Jul 2023

Once Upon A Yesterday

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Once Upon A Yesterday

2 years ago
I had this friend
Whom I have known for about 6 years now.
I remember just he and I were playing cards
Super late at night
Keeping each other company,
Having just admitted some past traumas to each other.
He started to speak
But then stopped
I asked him what he was going to say,
And he said that he'd been going to say something,
But I had started twisting my ring around my finger
And he knew
That I did that when I was anxious,
So he would keep it to himself
I didn't even realize that I did that.
I've never felt so known
I miss him.

Maybe we were in love in a way. I wrote poetry about him, and he told me that he thought I was beautiful. But we're no longer in love. I love him from afar, but scars and open wounds litter our skin from cutting each other, and we're better off apart. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the urge to call him whenever I see a yellow house, or a set of cards or see blue moon beer bottles.

106 · Jul 2019

Grave digger

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019

Grave digger

If you knew
You were dying today
Before your head hit your pillow
Would you fear the other side?

106 · Jun 2019

Lost Lover's Town

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2019

Lost Lover's Town

You don't get
To push me away
Again
And again
And then get angry
When I don't
Come
Back

For 20 years I let you mentally beat me ******. My scars are finally healing and you just can't take it.

106 · Mar 2019

Untitled 51

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2019

Untitled 51

Why isn't it okay that I'm afraid?

Finding new health issues that I have, and I feel 100% uncomfortable talking about it, and people keep saying "overcome your fear" and "You can't stop being afraid if you don't talk about it" I just want it to be okay for me to stay afraid.

106 · Jan 2018

Wellspring

Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2018

Wellspring

Often times it may seem like you have had so much mercy from the throne of Grace that it seems He must soon run out of it to give- Not so. His love is an eternal wellspring; it can never dry up from all our sin-no, His is an everlasting love.

104 · Nov 2023

Enough is Enough

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2023

Enough is Enough

How can I put it into words?
How can I tell you how I feel ripped and folded at the same time
In a way that hasn't already been said?
Words don't escape me
They lay before me
Already formed into every combination
Stolen and used up
By someone else who's hurting
Until all that's left to say
Are words I've already said:
I'm just really really lonely

I don't even really know what I want to say anymore, but I want to say *something* . I want to tell someone, but I don't know how to say it when it's already been said a thousand different ways.

104 · Jan 2019

Identity Crisis

Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2019

Identity Crisis

I am broken
I am lost
And I am alone

103 · Nov 2017

Pain

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2017

Pain

It hurts constantly
But at least it's constant.

I've been dealing with this pain for so long, and I guess that so many things in my life change, but this...this is forever. It's always been there. And it hurts me constantly, but at least it's constant.

102 · Jan 2023

Unteathered

Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2023

Unteathered

It's happening again.
Maybe I'm just tired
Maybe still broken
Or maybe I can't seem to get you off my mind

102 · Mar 2021

Alternative

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2021

Alternative

We are all
So in love
With destroying ourselves

102 · Dec 2021

Jim Jerome Wood

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2021

Jim Jerome Wood

I write for you here on this side
It just seems right somehow
I'll write about your funny smile
And happy, wrinkled brow

You always wore your funny socks
You passed in happy ones
Now 'neath the ground they lay with you
On golden roads they run

You carried me when I was born
Down bright hospital halls
But still for me, you left too soon
The voice of heaven called

As years went by, you helped me walk
Lovingly watched me grow
We had a soft, unspoken love
That only grandpa's know

I wish that I had spoken it
One last and final time
So on the chance that you can see,
I'll say it with this rhyme

I loved you then, I miss you now
I wish that I had known
Without a chance to say goodbye
Up to the clouds you'd flown.

I wish I could have said goodbye
My heart regrets it now
"I love you, miss you, and goodbye"
It doesn't matter now.

I've never had to deal with death
This was a first for me
I wish to God it wasn't you
Now you will never see.

I know that I'll see you someday
I wish it would be soon
If it meant I could bring you back,
I would give you the moon

But sighs and cries and tears of grief
Could never bring you back
I trust you are in Jesus' arms
Your death was right on track

I cannot see the happiness
Through bitter, mourning eyes
But I know I will see you soon
Under celestial skies

So I won't say goodbye to you
Goodbye is for so long
I'll just say "I will see you soon
When I join Heavenly throngs"

This is for my pawpaw who passed on October 25, 2021. He didn't die from old age, or an old wound, while the whole world was panicking about people dying from Covid, my sweet grandpa died from pancreatic cancer. What a joke. But I know where he is now, there's no cancer, no ****** aches or pains, no loss of hearing, he feels and is better than he has ever been. I just wish I had gotten to say goodbye. Since he was in the hospital, we weren't allowed to be with him But like a small blessing from the Lord, when he passed, he thought we were with him, his family around him, loving him while he passed from this world to the next. I wish I could hug him just once more. I'll see you soon, pawpaw. Wait for me at the east gate. I'll meet you there.

101 · Jul 2022

One Of These Days

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

One Of These Days

Someday
I'm going to go running through a field of flowers
I won't worry about bugs
Or sweating
Or needing my inhaler

Someday I'm going to spend Christmas in Switzerland
The glowing lights
Warm fires
The mountains

Someday I'm going to
Go back to Mount Rainier
Take the same path as before
Take in the beauty
Take My time remembering
That this is what beauty looks like

Someday I'm going to fall in love
We will laugh
And take pictures
And spend Sunday afternoons curled up on the couch

Someday I'm going to live on a huge farm
My whole family will be with me
We will grow
Plants, food, and each other
And revert to mankind's oldest way to receive food

Someday
I'm going to have kids of my own
To raise
And love
And teach to love God

But if Someday were today,
Someday I'd have a quiet afternoon
Alone
But that's okay
Eat some good food
And let my mind rest from earning
All the other "Somedays"
That will come along one of these days

I want to travel the world. I want to walk through the misty trees in the mountains. I want my feet to dangle again off a balcony at 2am over the ocean listening to the seals wake up. I want to see water so clear and fresh that I can't help but jump in. But I suppose for today, it's enough that I've eaten well and I can rest my eyes for a few hours until the work week begins all over again.

100 · Jul 2023

Enough To Let You Go

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

Enough To Let You Go

I hear this tune
And think of you
The memories
I can't get through

The lyrics play
I see your face
A feeling that
I can't replace

Took your number
Off my phone
The words all gone
Time to go home

Perhaps one day
I'll hear the words
Your face won't show
My heart won't hurt

I'll hear the song
And skip it past
Won't think of you
At peace at last.

Perhaps one day I'll hear that song and I won't think of him anymore. His phone number is off of my phone, the conversations deleted. It's time to move on.

100 · Sep 2022

Miss Me?

Marisa Lu Makil Sep 2022

Miss Me?

We used to be much closer
Friends, just you and me
We'd hug and laugh, not knowing
That soon you'd choose to leave

I miss the laugh you had
The one not filled with spite
I miss when we'd play Jenga
Now all we do is fight

You borrowed drinks of hellfire
Before you even knew
You had changed your eyes to anger
Hazel looked so good on you

Now they flash red with fury
Whenever I dare speak
Dear sister, I am trying
To turn the other cheek

But both cheeks now are ragged
Torn, you've struck them both
In waters of your good graces
I'm fighting just to float

People ask if I miss you
I don't know what to say
I miss you oh so badly
But not the "you" this way

I miss the forest fairy
Who used to hold my hand
She wanted my approval
Now she's slipped away like sand

I don't know what to do now
How do I get her back?
Your skin is turning ashen
Your eyes are turning black

I miss my baby sister
I want her home again
But not when you're sinister
I dearly miss my friend

I fear that I have lost you
I cannot reach you now
You've fallen far too deep
Now both of us will drown.

I miss my baby sister. 2 years ago she was a completely different person. She was happy and always laughing, she was perfectly happy to help in any way, now she doesn't even thank me when I do things for ger in hopes of winning her back. She's become closer with some friends who are influencing her in a bad way, and now she's just angry, especially at me, she turns everything into an argument, she doesn't eat hardly anything, it's like she's wasting away right in front of me. I prayed for a baby sister for 5 years when I was a kid. We've had our rough patches, but we've always made up. I still remember the day she was born, going to see her and my mom in the hospital with my grandma. I'm clinging desperately to hope that the same sweet baby sister I prayed for is in there somewhere, and that when she's ready, she will come out, and we can go back. I've always wanted a sister to be best friends with. Now I wonder if she even loves me anymore.

100 · Jul 2018

There will be a day

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2018

There will be a day

And in the midst of rainy days
When clouds are dark with misty haze
And life is wrought with deep malaise
Remember Him who bought you

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place,
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face"

100 · May 2019

Untitled 53

Marisa Lu Makil May 2019

Untitled 53

I just want someone to care about me
As much as I care about them

Feeling really lonely today.

100 · Jun 2023

Gonna Be

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Gonna Be

You don't think know I know that place?
I've lived in that place
Dark and warm
Felt its fingers creep around me
Silent and muffled
No care
All despair
But at least you can't hear them
At least all you feel is numb
There is no comfort
To stifle the flora and fauna of that blackness
That comes when you succumb to the void
Drinking oblivion
I know that place.
I know it's cracks and crevices
I know it's depths.
I know intimately every bend of its emptiness
A bitter companion
Of endless years
With naught but a candle of hope
That anything exists
But pain
But as dark as it seems up above
In the real world,
It's infinitely darker down here.
And I know that bitter thought
Of "How could it ever get better?"
And maybe you'll spend a lifetime
In horrid darkness
Walking the road of loneliness
But every now and then,
The clouds will part,
And the sun will shine on your face
And you will remember what it feels like
To be alive again
And maybe for the first time
In a very long time,
You will want to be.

I'm not okay. But I will be.

100 · May 2022

Psalm 145

Marisa Lu Makil May 2022

Psalm 145

Father give me strength
When I cannot be brave
And Lord please take my hand
When I stumble away
You are all I have
In this world that seems so pale and gray
Lord, you are great

Shepherd, you have led me
When I go astray
Gentle, meek protector
You've conquered the grave
Comfort and my hope
You have held my head above the waves
God you are great

Maker of creation
You hold me in your hand
King of all the nations
You lift me up to stand
All Sanctification
Is bleeding from your nails of grace
King, you are great

Author of my story
You write what I can't see
Father of all glory
You live what I can't be
Taking inventory
Of all the things that I will be
Christ you are great

Leader of my heart
Give me grace like boundless seas
Not only in part
You hold my eternity
Even when I start
To slip you will hold me fast and sweet
Jesus you are great

Healer of my wounds
Lift me high and bind me up
When my heart eludes
You rise and fill my cup
Gently as you soothe
You carry me to safer ground
Maker you are great

Hiding place of mine
You capture every tear
I don't know your design
But I know you are here
Present before time
Lord you hear my cry and draw me near
Jehovah you are great

When mine eyelids close
I'll see a wondrous thing
I'll follow where He goes
I'll finally meet my King of Kings
And crowned with endless glow
I will rise and see Him face to face
Lord, God, King, Christ, Jesus, Maker, Jehovah, you are great.

100 · Apr 3

Should The Worst Befall

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 3

Should The Worst Befall

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive

I'm finally getting to a point where it's easier to talk about what happened. That's what's so scary- if I can talk about it, it's real. The memories, the discomfort, the reactions...all real. But I'm healing. Slowly, but I'm healing.

99 · Jun 2021

Life Goes On

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2021

Life Goes On

It hurts less to watch him fall in love with someone else
Than for us to live
Solitary
knowing that what we both want
Is something we can never have

99 · Jun 2019

First Love

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2019

First Love

In ten years,
I'll still remember you
Your smile
Your scent
The lull and tone of your voice
The missing piece of
Who I used to be
To me
You are always a star in a
Black expanse
But to you
I'll only be a
Distant fragment
Of a sunny childhood

I don't think I'll ever forget your name.

98 · Jul 2022

Marhabbah

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Marhabbah

I'm not okay
I know that
I'm not myself
I cry more
Eat less
When I go to sleep
It's not because I'm tired
It's because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to be awake
My smile fades as soon as you turn away
I hate things
And myself
And when I think of the future
I see nothing
I want to curl up
And hide away
In this hole I've dug myself
Deep
Dark
Safe
I want to fall into the nothingness
That comes with sleep
I want to be someone
Other than this
Someone happy
Loved
Be with someone
Not just for the nights
Warm
And soft
But the mornings, days, and afternoons
Where I can flee
To someone's arms
Feel them around me
But I'm alone
I can't seem to shake it
I only eat
To fill me up
Because there's a hollowness inside me
And if I can't fill that
At least I can fill something
I don't have the stomach
To let the blood run
Free
Down my Wrists
But I wish I could feel something
God, I wish I could feel something
Something other than this
Lonely
Tired
Sick
Sad
Broken
Alone
Alone
Alone

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

It's not over, I will praise again. But I'm in the valley.

98 · Jul 2019

To Dust we shall return(All we are pt. 6)

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019

To Dust we shall return(All we are pt. 6)

I realized far too late
That that's why we fell apart;
You never had time for me.

98 · Oct 2017

Broken Souls

Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2017

Broken Souls

It started slowly
The impending doom
Something I knew
Was coming soon
I could feel it washing over me
Like the cold harsh waves
Of the ocean
Before a storm
And it's bitter,
This pill of mine
Sometimes it goes down sideways
And there are days
When I can't breathe
Other days
It's a little better
And my future days
Seem a little bit
Brighter
But the more I live
And love
The more I realize
That
I am broken
And I am afraid
And I am afraid of my brokenness

97 · Dec 2022

Jesus, precious Jesus

Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2022

Jesus, precious Jesus

I have felt the hardships
I have been in joy

I have known pain
And I have known healing

I've felt His presence
And I've strayed from His path

So I fell on my knees
And I lifted my hands

And I've come to see
I've felt within me

That I can feel sorrow
I can feel pain

I can walk a hard path
Or trod on even ground

But come what may
It all means nothing

If I do not feel His presence
I am lacking my life source

I would gladly feel pain
Both physical and emotional

I would happily feel sorrow
And strain in this earthly body

I would give all I have
To simply feel His presence

I asked Him to come to me
And He has come

I long for trials
And I hunger for hardships

For it is in my darkest moments
That I feel Him most deeply

So take my freedom
Take my life

Take my money
And all my earthly possessions

And give me Jesus.

The spirit is here within me, and praise the Lord. For His presence is sweeter than any earthly kiss, more stimulating than any drug, more blindingly wonderful than any drunken stupor, and more exhilarating than any riches I could possess. All Glory Be to Christ.