I keep looking at the clock
Wanting to go home
But not home
Anywhere
And nowhere
Wanting to fall asleep for a long time
Until I'm okay again
But it's only 12:53
And I still have 7 hours and 7 minutes
Until I can go home

The days
Used to drag
And all I wanted
Was for the day
To come
But now
The days pass too fast
And I dread
The future that
Lies ahead

My eyes hurt
I'm bone weary
Sore in many places
And too weak and exhausted to even cry
And I'm driving home
In the gray twilight
And all I wish
Is that I were going home
To crawl into the arms of someone
Soft
And warm
Who would cradle me until I fall asleep
And hold me until I wake

There's something lost inside us
We search for all our lives
We cannot put it into words
Nor anything derived

We search for it in drugs and drink
And *** in hopes that we
Might find the thing we cannot find
And see what's yet unseen

We look in every way we can
In everything we think
"If only I try hard enough"
Then pour another drink

We cannot find it in the ground
Or searching high and low
Traveling the sea won't help
Nor trudging through the snow

It's something beautiful we want
That seems just out of reach
We cannot seem to grasp it
Or find someone to beseech

We cannot put it into words,
It's something in our souls
It's been missing for so long,
We find new things to fill the holes

New hobbies, or a way of life
We've never tried before
Your desperation 'comes more rife
We ache for something more

But puzzles that aren't finished
Can't be fixed with foreign things
They never seem to fit quite right
When subject to our whims

We weary of this path we walk
We can't find what we seek
I've found that on my darkest days,
I cannot even speak

Who would have thought that on my knees
I found that which I sought?
And I found that my surrender
Had a thousand treasures wrought

I will not say that I am whole,
He's working day by day
But I've seen that my heart finds its rest
When I bow my head to pray

It hurt at first
It hurt so much
All I could think of
Was pain
And you
And I thought
That the rest of my life
Would be
A rollercoaster
A typhoon
A hurricane
Of never being over you
I never thought
I'd be here
Typing these words
But it's a cool September night
There is a warm breeze in the air
Whispering of the coming fall
And pulling red leaves from their branches
I live in my own home
I love in my own way
And I can finally say
We don't belong to each other
And that's okay
And it doesn't hurt anymore.

I suppose your
Winter romance
With warm hugs
And long dinners
I guess it just
Wasn't meant to be

I open the door
It's been a long day
But a smell drifts down the stairs
That reminds me
Of Sunday afternoons
Family dinners
And warm food in my belly
Fall naps
And stealing a sip of mom's drink
It's just apple juice
But only her and dad get some
I walk upstairs
And slip off my shoes
Tired
And hang my purse on the hook in the wall
Before going to open the oven.
The heavenly smell increases
A smell of the past
A smell of memories
Of family
I pull the *** out of the oven and cautiously open the lid.
I'm washed over with old memories
As I inhale the smell of cooked veggies, roast, and red wine vinegar.
I reach in with some tongs and it falls apart
Soft
Perfect
Ready to eat
And when I take a bite
All I can think about is my mom
And Sunday afternoons
And that last sip of apple juice.

There will always be a darker sin
But there will always be a deeper love

I thought that maybe just this once
Everything would change
I thought that somehow my heart could
Begin to beat again
But here we are, my heart is torn
And I am on the ground
Asking for a helping hand to
Show me up from down
But you in all your pridefulness
Can't seem to bend down low
And break a nail or ***** hands
You can't tell friend from foe
So call me when your mind again
Is back to sanity
Goodbye, old friend, here's to the end
***** all your vanity

I am a psychopath
Born of hatred
And loneliness
I am bred of sadness
Soaked in anxiety
Wrapped in a deep sadness
That no one knows
I am broken
Never to be whole

But I am on a high
Of gladness
A sweet glory inside
That answers to the call
Of a great survivor
And savior
It beckons me to a warm embrace
Whispering comfort
And smothering me in love

But then
I am alone
And lost on my own
And this frigid cold
Embraces my every action
I can't think
Can't speak
Can't feel
And God
What I would give
Just to feel something
That is not
This
This fragile existiance
That never seems to let me go
I am falling
Falling
Falling in the dark
And ******
I don't know if I will ever
Stop
Falling.

Sometimes I want to forget you
I want to forget all the pictures we took
All the adventures we went on
Braving the cold
When no one else would
I want to forget
Laughing with you
So hard it hurt
On car rides to nowhere
I want to forget
Going hiking
And getting coffee
Sometimes I want to forget
That you were ever in my life
And imagine that all we were
Was passing strangers
On a busy street
But then... And now
With tearful eyes
I remember how full of each other we were
I remember the joy we had
Bundled up on Sundays
When we refused to turn on the heater
Because we'd rather buy Take-out
Than pay the electric bill
I remember all the memories we made
With such naivety
That all that happiness would last forever
I want to freeze us in that frame
And pretend it never fell apart
I want to forget the icy cold
That is between us now
And I want to forget I ever knew you

I have felt the hardships
I have been in joy

I have known pain
And I have known healing

I've felt His presence
And I've strayed from His path

So I fell on my knees
And I lifted my hands

And I've come to see
I've felt within me

That I can feel sorrow
I can feel pain

I can walk a hard path
Or trod on even ground

But come what may
It all means nothing

If I do not feel His presence
I am lacking my life source

I would gladly feel pain
Both physical and emotional

I would happily feel sorrow
And strain in this earthly body

I would give all I have
To simply feel His presence

I asked Him to come to me
And He has come

I long for trials
And I hunger for hardships

For it is in my darkest moments
That I feel Him most deeply

So take my freedom
Take my life

Take my money
And all my earthly possessions

And give me Jesus.

If there is one thing
That I have learned
From my lack of health
It is that
I am more than my illness
I am more than my headaches
Or the room spinning around me
More than my unsteady steps
And crippling anxiety
I am more than all the noise
That echoes in my ears
And I am more than all the pain
I've felt for all these years
I am more than aching backs
And needles in my feet
I am more than dizziness
And more than lack of sleep
I am more than lights to bright
They hurt my eyes and head
I am more than wakefullness
When I go to bed
I am more than doctors
And medicines and pain
I am still someone inside
There's more that I contain

Even the waves break on the sand

And at night
When the demons come a-calling
And the devil comes a-screaming
In my ear,
There is nowhere to turn
But the arms of a Savior
Who's loving arms
Are always near

We used to be much closer
Friends, just you and me
We'd hug and laugh, not knowing
That soon you'd choose to leave

I miss the laugh you had
The one not filled with spite
I miss when we'd play Jenga
Now all we do is fight

You borrowed drinks of hellfire
Before you even knew
You had changed your eyes to anger
Hazel looked so good on you

Now they flash red with fury
Whenever I dare speak
Dear sister, I am trying
To turn the other cheek

But both cheeks now are ragged
Torn, you've struck them both
In waters of your good graces
I'm fighting just to float

People ask if I miss you
I don't know what to say
I miss you oh so badly
But not the "you" this way

I miss the forest fairy
Who used to hold my hand
She wanted my approval
Now she's slipped away like sand

I don't know what to do now
How do I get her back?
Your skin is turning ashen
Your eyes are turning black

I miss my baby sister
I want her home again
But not when you're sinister
I dearly miss my friend

I fear that I have lost you
I cannot reach you now
You've fallen far too deep
Now both of us will drown.

I don't believe we come from the ocean
But I do believe that there is a reason
We are so made up of water
And I believe that the same Person who made the tides
Put the same things in our veins
Our hearts long for the ocean
Because it is inside of us
And it longs to return to its home.

I'm shaking again
The words in my head follow down through my skin
My head starts to spin
I'm haunted by things I don't want to let in

I hate to remember
I hate thinking back on what burns me like embers
I can't even speak
I can't make my lips tell others why I'm weak

The words won't come out
Trapped beneath skin where they echo and shout
The tears broke me through
They run hot and steady, leave shame in their lieu

My breathing is heavy
Thinking of past things makes my heart unsteady
I'm going to die
And I'll pass on while still not knowing why

They're just words to say
But more- they course through me insistent to stay
Someone hold me
But don't touch me please, I'm afraid you will see

Please squeeze me tightly
Remind me that nightmares are not only nightly
But stay far away
Don't take a step closer or I'll break again

I'm torn between thoughts
Remem'bring what happened and what did not
So help me, I'm screaming
Somebody tell me that I'm only dreaming

And please take my life
I already live on the edge of a knife
And when I am gone
Perhaps after death I can fin'lly move on.

It's dead in my soul
Deep beneath my skin
No longer beating
Breathing
Only spasming
From time to time

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to hurt you
I don't want attention
I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Until my voice runs away
Until my vocal cords snap

I don't want to be a part of something
I want to tear myself apart

I may not want to die
But I don't want to live

I can go minutes
Hours
Even days
Without missing you
But then
I'm laughing
In the rain
At night
And all I can think of
Is how much
I wish you were here with me

I couldn't find the love I wanted
So I looked for it in other things
Forgot promises I'd made
To myself as a child
That I swore I'd never break
Now they lay shattered at my feet
Like glass by the train tracks
And I went on
Kept on keeping on
Hoping that the current pleasure
Would be sweeter than the everlasting
If only for a moment
But when it passed my lips
It turned bitter
Like sour milk
Instead of sweet honey,
I tasted only ashes
But still I would not be dissuaded
I continued
Seeking things that would only destroy me
Because the destruction felt so much like the love I craved
And if I could not get a grasp
Of what I thought I wanted
Maybe I wanted something else
But I don't.
I don't want it anymore
I don't want it anymore

I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on

I didn't know our night would end that way
Both of us in the car
Me afraid of what you would say
It wasn't the fact that you said it
It was the way you spoke of me
As of I'm a light fairytale
You spoke of my smile
My laugh
You said that even my presence puts you at ease
And I know you don't say that lightly
I was trembling through it all
Afraid you would lean over
And kiss me
And more afraid
That I felt beautiful
After all that you said
I was blushing
And couldn't look you in the eye
You think I'm a goddess
When I'm falling apart
I would wreck you
I don't want to lose what we have
But the words came out
And everything shattered
Everything is different
Everything has changed
And I don't know whether to try and fix it
Or if I should just run
Run from you
From your words
From what could have been
I don't know if I want to try and fix us
Or if I never want to see you again
I wish you would take it back
Now the bitter aftertaste of last night
Is going to follow us
You said things I've always wanted to hear
But why, God, did it have to be you?

I want to write a poem
But you've even taken that
Even every word in my mind and heart
Has been squeezed out
Broken from it's home
You are a thief
A robber in the night
You have taken all my happiness
Every drop of positivity is gone
Dripping down
         And
               Down
Into the darkness
A wall of black
That even light cannot penetrate
It's wrong
How you live
With every will
Gone
Every wish
And hope
And dream
Are no more
Because you
You
Have taken it all
You deserve nothing
And you are nothing
And you will amount to nothing
You are a worm
In a wonder world
Wandering
Breaking everything
Failing everyone
And losing everything
Good
You have pushed it all away
You are a burden on all
And you deserve your loneliness.

I keep living
As though love
Comes with strings attatched
And try as I might
I cannot cut through
That lie.

I used to believe
In happy endings
I used to believe
That everything would work out
That one day
I would find someone
I used to live
Like I was waiting for the greatest
Moment
Ever
I used to have faith
In humanity
In good
And in myself

But I guess it's been too long
Now a sunny day is just weather
A smiling stranger
Is just another person
Beautiful things are just
Creations

I used to believe that I would meet
The man of my dreams
But now I know
That I already have
And now I know
That he will never be mine