When you’re born in a burning house, you think the whole world is on fire. But it’s not.” -Richard Kadrey.

And when I looked down at my hands all I could see was my family’s blood:
My fathers anger, my mothers unsolved love, my sisters hope and my brothers wrongs.
The careless of the little one and the consciousness of the oldest.
I think the reason why I could always only see my house from afar is because Ive never actually lived in it.
I could see my pain and the things I went through from outside the window, just as little as the lamp light let me see through,
And that’s one of the reasons I keep forgetting and forgiving.
But lately the memories have been coming back…
well, not really the memories, but the rights and the wrongs that my parents have done to me.
And I try to use my hands to stand up and get off the ground,
but they are so slippery, so slippery.
Until now, I didn’t realise how much blood I was carrying around,
how many people died in that house.
A house, a house, a house
One house, one house, one house.
Only a house with a roof and some walls.
Trying all life to find a house I can call home.
But I couldn’t even get up, and if I got up
How would I clean all this red mess up?
Feeling the most disgusting creature on earth,
I was thinking I might as well sell them my own self;
When I felt something so familiar touching me,
I tried showing them but all they could see,
Was a wet hand-an innocent-wet-big hand holding mine.
And I kept begging them to see that
Both our hands, me and his
Were wet for once, but not at all clean,
Both our hands were bleeding hunger,
Though at last, they were holding each other.

I definitely have a drinking problem, I’m thinking,
As I pour myself another wine glass and also press the next episode button for
The next chapter to start.
I’ve always been rational.
I don’t have patience, and I hate this about myself, I want to rush into things, and this makes me get hurt every-time I do it all over and over again.I think I’m repeating my own bad habits in order to gain some sense of how a strong feeling feels, and if I don’t, that’s what makes me keep going and doing the same-not sane-decisions, falling into the circle of my own accomplished ambitions.
I then desperately self destruct
And if I am the same as before,
Raising my glass as a form of sway;
I finally have one thing to say.
“As the red wine will never get white,
My thoughts will never not be mine.”

I look around and I feel alone.
In the need of something I can call a home,
I look around and all my friends are dead, every flower that nourished is now gone and all the trees from green they’ve become orange, they perished.
Wish I knew how to take care of myself, this way it wouldn’t hurt so much being left;
Behind like an old soul, like a soldier without a sword.
When you’re used to having little, little seems the world for you.
But I was never meant to settle for less, until you taught me how to cope it all through.

And it is funny because I’m always thinking about how I love being alone.
With my own thoughts, surrounded by my perceptions only.
In the end of the day though I am still haunted by the curse of being human
And that what makes me crave attention, continuously chased by the fear of being rejection.

The reassurance of peace
the validation of love
Yes, so good to be feeling that
above the constellations,
easy with heart
mind in part,
and worry none.
“Cant happen to me”
cant happen to us,
so I drink another drink,
and give you another beer
as the world tear us apart,
Applause, I stand up while smiling,
thats the only way I know
how to hide that Im dying.

Στέκομαι σαν τον τουρίστα μπροστά απ’ το ράφι με το κρασί,
προσπαθώ να αποφασίσω τι ποικιλία μου ταιριάζει, τι ποικιλία ειναι διαδομένη, ποια απο αυτές προτιμώ, ποια απο αυτές μου αρέσει.
Γλυκά, ημίγλυκα, ξηρά,
λευκά, ερυθρά, ροζέ.
Πάντα μου άρεσαν αυτά τα χρώματα,
απο μικρή βυθιζόμουν στα αρώματα.
Αισθάνομαι ωραία να έχω επιλογές στη ζωή μου;
αλλά με φοβίζει το γεγονός πως
η επόμενη απ’ αυτές θα μπορούσε να αποκαλύψει την αληθινή ψυχή μου.
Το κρασί που αγκαλιάζουν τα λεπτεπίλεπτα δάκτυλά μου εκπροσωπεί εμένα,
τις σκέψεις μου, το μυαλό, την αναπνοή μου.

Κι όταν κατευθύνομαι προς το ταμείο
ετοιμάζομαι επιτέλους
να πληρώσω την τιμή μου.

“Όσο ζεις μεγαλώνεις ή όσο μεγαλώνεις ζεις;”
Η  ψυχή μου έζησε ήδη αυτά που με προσπερνούν τριγύρω μου.
Νιώθω πως έζησα τα πάντα.
Κάθε στιγμή, κάθε ανάμνηση
έφυγε από το διάβα μου,
όταν ακόμη ήμουνα μεν μικρή,
αλλά δε μπόρεσα να προφτάσω τα νιάτα μου.
Κι αφού έχω ζήσει τόσα πολλά,
Αυτά που νιώθω είναι πλέον μηδαμινά.
Ένα μικρό χάος μες την χλωμιά του κόσμου.
Ένα μικρό δάκρυ στα γέλια των γυρών μου.
Και σκέφτομαι πωσ θα ΄ταν να άλλαζα,
Χωρίς τις σκέψεις τις παλιές,
Μα τις δικές μου μονάχα χαρές.

                            Μ.Α.

i find myself trying to be a mother
and a sister
and a daughter all at once
while i watch myself vanish
and then try to find me in the dust
i catch myself trying to be the leader
to be perfect, to be the best
and i walk away from my truthfulness
following your missed angry steps
and i fall as i cant stand not being whole of something that lasts
i hold on to the past and try to erase my future
and i try to catch my breath so i can stand on my feet again
but youre sitting inside my stomach
making me colapse against my ptoma

My lungs out of my body, like two dark ****** fish on the floor.
I know
an ugly picture.
but that’s the only way to describe how useless they are, meaningless,
empty, dry.
like fish out of the water,
while my lungs are on the floor,
I watch myself drown in this ocean of blood,
trying at least to take a breath or two,
but fish can’t live out of the water,
fish can’t breath while being on the floor
and im drowning even deeper,
now everything is red.

i miss you

As the half moon sinks into the mountain across my room,
and I think that the only place I’d rather be is in your arms, feeling the warmth of your heart touching my bare skin.
Wanting to sink into you just like the moon sank in those mountains, shined bright for a bit, and now although is hidden,
it is the most beautiful thing my eyes ever came across to.

i love how your voice hugs my heart
and surrounds it like home,
cause when i hear your voice it feels so warm,
almost like you give me hope.

hope for opening my eyes, hope for running even more miles
far away, just so i can see
all the smiles that i missed.

your voice reminds me of peace
as I hide in those notes
as you try to form your words
all i want to be is yours

When do we start living?
Because I know for sure that breathing all this air all this time can’t be the only thing that Imma be doing on this earth.
So when do we start living this life they gave us?start playing this game they put us in?
I am really starting to get bored.
I see that some people want to end this game, but little do they know, they haven’t even press the start button yet.

they locked me up in this body and i cant get over the fact that im going to have to stay in here forever. forever just seems a huge word, endless time.
i am only 17 years in this cage and i can barely breath every single day.
ready to drown in my own tears, i feel like my cage isnt strong enough to keep me warm anymore.
so im trying to do something, to do something to get out of here.
but the key is nowhere,
until i lose control,
once again,
the beast inside me called guilt eats me up.
and it never, never gets satisfied.
the scars on my knees and my awful  headaches are trying to find a reason to resist.
but once the beast came out, theres no going back.
everything i do is worthless. because im the one that locked myself in here. and i swallowed the key like i did with the pill of guilt right down my throat.

shes with me because she can control me so she thinks that she can control herself. i am nothing to her. just a tool to use so she can survive and then throw away cause its useless anymore. and i thought u were different. i thought u wanted to improve me as a person and help me become better . but no . u only wanted to benefit urself. to make yourself better through me.

tie up the moon and throw it in the ocean.
fill it with all my emotions, experiences, loves, fears..
make the moon carry everything that my heart can no longer.
make the moon feel the emotions i hid under my skin.
make the moon cry, make her cry and throw her rain in every little white daisy that meets her way.
make the moon have the opportunity to be.
make the moon
live
make her just
be.

it never lasts you know?
that feeling. that feeling of excitement, enthusiasm, adrenaline, happiness.
that feeling of love.
none of that ever lasts.
and i keep asking myself: why?
why does this keep happening to me?
why can i be good enough for things to stay?
good enough for things to last?
and the answer cant be found anywhere.
not even in the countless nights ive stayed awake staring at my ceiling.
not even in every empty coffee cup thats been sitting on each corner of my house the past few weeks.
this answer, that i seek,
cant be found nowhere,
nowhere in the whole universe,
except your eyes,
a place im not allowed to look into.

you said you wanted to go home.
wanted some time to clean up your garden from all the broken sticks from the trees that were all over the place caused by the storm.
you said you wanted to go home.
feed your cats, draw on your night stand, while smoking a cig and looking at the stars.
you said you wanted to go home.
make yourself some pasta and waiting for the water to boil while overthinking and looking through the window above the sink of your kitchen.
you said you wanted to go home.
to clean up all the mess that Ive left behind, put the million pieces I broke back together.
you said you wanted to go home. and then i said i wanted to go home too.
so you agreed.
but what you missed is, when i said home, i didnt mean a building, neither a location. home is where people belong.
and i belong with you, my home- is you.
and i truly want to, go home.

i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.

it is bc it smelled like you.
it is because i miss the times when i got mad at you when you smoked more than five a day.
so now that you left, i cant stop thinking about all the things we did.
so everytime you popped up in my head,
everytime all these memories came back,
i kept thinking of how much i wanted you, how much i loved you.
although i couldnt have you.
but i could have a part of you.
something from you.
i could have the smell of your cigarettes and the thought of them calming you down after a long day.
so everytime you got in my head,
i went ahead and lighted up another, and another cigarette
and then i felt so near you,
almost like you were sitting next to me,
exhaling the whitish smoke i used to hate.

i know why i love the smell of cigarettes so much.

I hate you so much.
I dont want to, but i do.
you make me feel that way
do i make you feel the same?

I think of doing terrible things
I wanna **** you in cold blood,
I wanna see you suffer from above,
like you did when i was young.

I wanna see you hurting, in pain.
and do nothing like you did,
when i was at the bottom, lost my faith,
and you were just sitting there, smiled a bit.

Im gonna end up killing you,
or killing myself,
cause i wanna finally let go,
and i will, only by death.

I miss the time when I actually enjoyed eating that burger you offered me last night.
I miss when eating a pack of Cheetos wasnt one of my biggest fears in the entire world.
I miss the times i was eating a healthy amount of food by the time i needed it.
I miss the times my mind wasnt a calculator every single second of each day.
I miss the time I could sleep at night without my stomach hurting, asking for at least a glass of water.
I dont want to have a mental breakdown whenever i eat a chocolate.
I wanna remember the taste of pizza again.
I want to eat a whole donut by myself.
I dont want my happiness to depend on the number of a scale.
I wanna eat dinner again, something except a salad.
I dont want to workout everyday.
I want to finally feel happy without my stomach screaming.
I want to stop.
I want to eat.

i hate it here.
i hate it.
i hate it so much.
why i am in this thing, this cage we called body
i dont wanna be here.
its cold, and dark.
no light, i cant get out.
i wanna scream, but
i cant shout.
it doesnt let me
my brain is screaming at me
Thats too much! thats too little
i am so tired of all of this.
i dont wanna be here
please, can someone get me out?
i hate it here.

firstly, i felt like the first sunbeam every morning lighting up every little bee that jumps from a flower to another.
now i realised
i feel for you what the moon feels for the sun. endless love, day and night, so close and also so far. so cold and so warm, so bright but so dark.
i wanna show this to the whole universe.
i wanna open my heart.
but i dont know if what im feeling, is that which we call love.
the only thing i know tho is that the moon never meets the sun, but she still shines every night for him so he can love her back.
so imma shine bright like that little ball in my sky, so whenever you look up,
ill be there.
always by your side.

trust.
i trust so many people
i trust so easily
i have expectations for ppl
but in the end
all i get is nothing
all i am always gonna get is nothing.
so why do i keep hurting myself?
why do i expect things for others
why do i trust?
i know trust has a price
but the more i pay, the less i get back.

i want you to know,
that im here
through day and night,
ill be near

i want you to know
that i care
and when you need someone to carry your fears,
when you need someone to cover your tears,
ill be there, in the dark

cause when your dark wont let you out,
ill be lighting the candle,
and ill wait for u outside
and ill be by your side

you cant always see me
cause its dark where you are,
but im here and im not leaving
until the darkness gives you back

i believe in you, you can do this.
scaring the thoughs, travelling through the tunnels

tho if you cant, it is in fact okay.
cause iknow you tried, you fought this pain,
and whatever, ever happens,
you know that you always got this.

so i just want you to know, that ill be watching.
watching right above you.
cause if you go down i do too,
and if anything happens to you,
i just want you to know,
that I was, will and am still,
loving you.

mom look! im falling asleep
in his arms, travelling through his dreams
mom im falling asleep
please, please cant you see?

im happy mom, im happy.
dont cry, but smile for me
i dont like to see u like this
remember me just a bit

cause we ll meet again.
i promise. ill be waiting
but for now, just keep smiling
cause finally, my pain is fading

my heart is beating so fast
my bed seems so big
and yet im so small,
in relation to the feelings i have for you,
im nothing.
although i still manage to carry all these things you called emotions,and put in my head in one night.

Is it real really?
everything around me.
everything around us.
as loud as me dreaming,
my mind wont stop screaming.
yelling, while killing,
and lying to me.
you once told me: "this IS real"
but it wont let me believe.
I dont feel that youre here.
I cant touch, but I can see.
is this really you and me?

ive never thought that i could change.
until i met you
ive never thought i have this rage,
until i met you.

i love u so much
but sometimes it doesnt feel right
i dont even know who i am
who is that person, in your bed that night.

everybodys saying leave,
run away before its too late
but i cant stand a day without u
without how u made me felt that day

u make me feel alive
but u also make me feel dead
ive been dead inside long ago
so why can i just forget?

why can i forget you?
youre not even here anymore
but i cant run away from you
youre part of me, of my truth.