God knows what I need to do,
But am I ready?
Is it simply that easy?
It feels like it.
Decisions I should be making for my own happiness,
But am I already happy?
God please tell me why you keep doing this too me?
Am I failing you?
I know my well being isn't at the greatest point in my life,
But lord please tell me that you know that I am trying!
Please tell me that you see me try to shove down these meals,
That my body no longer wants to eat.
You cannot tell me that you don't see me,
Waking everyday with knifes in my back,
That I forgot to take out at night,
Lord please tell me this is the end,
Of these sleepless nights?
Please tell me this isn't what I need to do,
And I know it feels right,
But please don't make me do it.
I am fighting everyday,
I know you hear me scream at night!
The minute they pronounce me as
"Cancer Patient",
God you knew,
This was going to be done.
Is that why you were preparing me?
All these years of suffering and aching,
Is that why when I sleep, I can't lay on my chest through the night?
Is that why you kept hurting me lord?
Please tell me is that why?
I feel it.
You know I do feel this pain,
In between my chest,
I feel it sometimes,
But lord I feel it.
Am I not good enough?
Why didn't the times I wanted to be gone,
Work?
Why all of a sudden,
This pain is coming back,
I never get a break,
I am cursed.
God, please hear me.
Is this what I need to do?
Do I hold his hand, and never let him go?
Or do I walk away, and let him find a true love?
Lord please hear me,
I cannot take this anymore.
Make me feel beautiful,
I just want to be loved.
Lord hear me.
Why don't you love me ...

She wanted him to show his heart, and and say he loved her.
He spoke the magic words,
And the same night he ****** up.
Now she wide open..

You wasn't there when she needed someone to go too,
She went to the only man,
That she knew didn't love her.
Maybe loved her,
When he entered her soul,
Tears rolling down her face,
She never understood,
As she's getting undressed,
The rest is to not be said,
This sudden pain is feeling like hot rocks,
Being pilled up on her body,
Knives being thrown to her chest,
Hitting right through her heart,
She's weak,
Her feet are bleeding,
From trying to stand so tall,
She refuses to fall,
She yells for your name,
Knowing you can no longer be there.
Let the man who never loved her,
Be there for the women, who's destroying herself through the flesh with two.

Little angel, that was once in me,
Mama loved you,
I promised,
Mama loved you.
Daddy didn't know you,
Mama was scared.
You would of been beautiful,
Mama wish she knew what you was going to be.
But she knew you would of been beautiful.
Mama was going through some things,
Mama wasn't ready for you my sweet baby.
Mama knew why she was always angry,
You was dying,
Mama didn't know how to tell daddy,
But mama loved you.
Mama hopes you understand,
Mama wasn't okay,
Daddy wasn't there.
You wouldn't be in good care.
Mama missed you,
Little angel that was once in me.

Maybe I was foolish to fall in love with someone like you.
To let you take part of my body,
To let you see the whole me.
Or maybe I was blind?
Maybe I knew, but didn't want to believe the truth..

Wish somebody loved me.

The pain in her chest,
She feels his hands on her flesh,
Words being spoken,
but no one notices,
Face being pressed against her pillow,
Hoping she'll stop losing air,
And stop breathing.
She speaks to the man above,
Yelling please remove this sudden rush that is going through her body,
Water already flowing,
She is already chin deep,
Wanted to feel wanted,
Be held,
She's so confused,
Memories of that one night,
She wasn't amused,
She couldn't of chosen you,
She went into the wrong shoes,
Showed up at his door,
Started to take it off,
He gently unstrapped her bra,
They tied together like roots,
She laid there..

And she laid there..
laid there some more..
she knew.
she knew she was weak,
But this weak,
Wasn't just any weak,
How could of this had happened to she,
She laid there..

She felt the rush,
She was stuck,
She hurried to put her clothes on,
She stood there..
and she stood there some more..

*** was the symbol she had emotionally imprinted on her heart,
The only way, they seen her,
Was if they looked at her heart,
Seen nothing but a naked body,
So she could feel loved once again,
She stood there..
and she stood there some more..

How could It be,
The women I knew so **** well,
Was turning into mold,
Collecting dust,
Rotten,
Poison,
She's going unnoticed,
Who is she,
Standing before me,
Who is she.
She stood there..
And she stood there some more...

I cannot sleep,
Without wishing you was here.
Screaming in my ears,
As I wish I was cuddling,
Trying not to shed a tear.
Wake to you in the morning,
Look at you,
Tell you how I much I love you,
And having the feeling of never wanting to wake up,
Since laying on your chest is my comfort,
But a girl can only dream,
Since you are not here,
And these are more than just tears.
I miss you tonight,
I wish that you could hear..

everytime I meet someone, they want nothing but ****** pleasure.
same words being used,
"If we have ***, than you can be my girlfriend."
is *** what blinds you males to realize that the women who wants to treat you right, has more to offer than just ***?
she is not like the rest,
yet you treat her like she is.
she's trying to find ways and reasons,
as to why you keep treating her like the women you played in the past,
you keep telling her,
that she isn't like the last,
yet you keep admiring her body, more than her mind.
not reminding her how beautiful she looks,
as she struggles everyday to find beauty in herself.
sees you look at others, as she looks at herself, and see that what you see in them,
isn't what she has,
but she's dying to want it,
and by dying,
I mean she's physically hurting herself in everyway shape and form to become like those women who you love so much,
without even having to say it in words.
she knows that *** isn't the only thing that she has to offer,
and she's trying to make it stop,
show her worth.
but knowing he wants nothing more but that,
is what makes everything worst.
its more than just ****** pleasure,
she is an angel.
yet, you continue to throw her down,
lower her self esteem,
instead of building her,
you destroy the inside of her heart,
rotten her to death, with your poison of ***.
and each and every time,
she finds herself wondering,
why cant you notice that there's more to this,
more to ***.
more to this.
more to this.
more to this.
more to ***.
***.
***.
***.
***.
***.
more.

She got out the shower, she puts that little dress,
That she likes,
Partynextdoor playing in the background,
She sees herself in the mirror,
Does that little move she loves to do,
Let's the music fill her up,

He only wants me until the mornings.
But is he really the one to blame?
As I am telling him that me laying in his bed,
For his satisfaction is okay.
Or maybe it's me?
Since, I can no longer sleep without being in his arms,
And waking up to his kisses.
Yes, they are no labels,
Lost in confusion, as to what we are,
And realizing you do not care..

So maybe,
It is not him that wants to stay, until the sun rise,
But rather me,
While I lay on his chest,
Not wanting him to leave,
As if it was a sarcarfice.
And yet I crave more than just this,
But never find the effort,
To find "this".

And yet I feel like his wantings are different from mine,
But yes I am okay with this,
And some days I am not.
But laying by his side,
Is something I cherish,
I can't deny.
And I know he lies,
And no he's not the right guy,
But why is it that when I am not laying by his side, until the morning sun rise,
I cannot sleep at night?
..

Are you willing to love her naked? When she is most vulnerable, hands on her knees, yelling lord please. are you willing to break down her wall, see what’s on those floors? Asking herself are you going to love me, if i stood here naked? Trusting herself with you, she’s trying to find some closure, you hold on to her a little closer, she’s feeling the exposure. Naked.

All she wants is for someone to make her laugh,
To make her feel good.
To Tell her she's beautiful.
How much you admire her.
Why you love her.
That her presence is important,
Warming..

Depression will never leave you.
It's part of you.
It's become you.
No matter how happy you are,
There will always be a day,
A night,
A morning,
Where it comes and hunts you.
Not because you are weak,
Nor because you are hurting.
But because it's already in you.

Don't be discourage by the good man trying to take his place,
There not all the same,
He isn't here to play.
Trust him, hear me will you, if you can.
He said let me have a chance,
As he kissed you on the forehead,
Before you laid side by side in his brand new bed.

Someone new.
No he isn't you.
he's a better you.

Dark nights,
Fighting your sleep,
Fighting to see his face,
Body getting nervous,
It starts to breaks down,
Anxiety getting worst,
Eyes start to water,
Body starts to shake,
Trying to relax,
How long will this take!

She would of had your baby,
But she wasn't ready to have a family,
With a man like you.

‪If i took my life, will that stop the pain?‬
‪If i told you i was hurting, will you numb the pain?‬

That one song that just takes the words out of your mouth,
Like it was meant for you.
As if you wrote the song,
Or your mind controlled it.
Songs have more meaning to a person than you think.
It's the way they sing it,
It's what being said in the lyrics.
To the sounds, to the instruments,
That one song,
That you hear,
Here and there and you automatically
Remember the reason why you started to listen to that song the first time you heard it.
That one song is your savior.

Stomach in pain,
He rubbing it,
So my body can feel okay.
They said it'll be like this for a few days.
Finding comfort on his shoulder,
That's where I use to lay,
He knows my body aching,
So he reminds me that it'll be okay,
Remember the doctors said just a few days.

Lord my petals.
Lord my petals.

Why you had to take them from me.
Devil wasn't ready,
But mommy was.

Lord why you had to **** me.
That burning sensation when I laid that night,

You destroyed my petals,
Lord that was in me..

But if I lied,
Said it was fine,
We'll be alright,

I'll eventually get over it,
Wouldn't I?
How could I..

My body hurts lord.
Why you had to do this.
I wasn't ready,
You made that decision for me..

And that's why,
I could never say I'm sorry.
My rose petals.

If I wasn't here for a day,
How would you feel?
Would it be no different?
No affection?
Imagine me not here,
Would you still hurt me?

You're the reason why I'm broken. The reason why everyone that comes, I push away.
If it wasn't because of your mistreating and bad habits, I would love so differently.
Because of you, I tried to be perfect.
I tried to love.
Tried to make sure you was okay, before I made sure I was.
Said sorry, for every little thing you said I did wrong.
Even when you was wrong,
My sorry's spoke.
I would never understand, why I waited so long to see your wrongs.
I was blinded by the way my heart wanted to make it work,
Another chance.
But it knew.
Yes it knew..
That you was the reason for my returning depression.
The reason why I tried killing myself, back when you were leaving.
This isn't just a feeling.
This is who I've become.
Because of you.
The same reason why I changed into someone I hope never became.
I don't know what else to say. .

She had *** three times this week,
Because she is feeling weak.
It felt sweet,
Each time she felt loved,
Even though she knew,
It was for the moment,
She felt loved,
So it was okay,
Until she laid in bed,
In disgust,
Red drips across her wrist.

He got up in me,
With no feelings,
Like a demon.
But I loved the devil.

I remember when those pills took a tool of me.
When I drank them that one night,
I saw the gates to what I wished For my whole life..

Remember ?

I remember when you told me things would be different. As The prints of your palms would be on my neck. I remember when you told me that you loved me, when you did it. When those nights seem so long, so careless. As the banging on the window became louder, because the sound of a ball being hit against it, those not knowing it wasn't a ball, but rather my head. You told me that you loved me, so it was love too me. Not knowing I was visiting, the pathway to heaven sooner than I realized. Until it was too late.

I still feel the pain, inside of my heart.
scared of getting hurt once again,
why is it coming back?
why am I crying,
god is it me?
is my heart really allowing me to love this great man,
that I have?
reassuring me,
when I'm feeling low.
"Baby I'm yours"
but is he really?
is he really not like the last man,
I gave myself all too.
Is he worth giving my heart too,
giving my body too?
if I'm feeling like this, is for a reason..
yes?
no?
or maybe I am just overthinking.
but..

Some things are better left unsaid,
Unknown.
As I wish I didn't know,
What I know about you and her.
It's not a secret no more,
Since the story has been told,
Kept behind closed doors,
Thought you was being faithful,
Lately you've been lying,
Dragging my heart around the floor.
I'm not as important,
As I once was to you before.
Should of kept it to yourself,
But these deadly secrets will be discovered on its own.

I hope to see you one day,
So I could tell you how much I hate you.
Or should I be thanking you?
For making me realize my self worth.
You inconsiderate human being.

If i told you that he tried to touch me,
Would you trust me?
If I told you who it was,
Would you stay calm,
Not want to find him
And just hug me?
If I told you he held me against my life
With bullets through my head,
When you still tell me that you love me?
If I told you I screamed your name in fear,
Hoping that you would appear,
Would you not feel helpless,
And not tell me you're sorry,
When you whisper in my ears.
If I told you I kept this a secret,
Can you not hate me,
And not ask me why did I keep it?
..
If I told you I have scars below my rose,
Can you not ask to see it?
If I told you I didn't need you,
Can you not leave me

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
Shame on me.
I knew,
That everything will come to light.
Shame on you.

Just a girl with insecurities,
Wanted to be told she's beautiful.
Doesn't matter if you don't mean it, just say it.
And she'll believe it.

She's feeling so weak.
She just wants to feel beautiful, in her own skin.
Once again.
She's falling deep,
As each puff she takes,
She lets that smoke take away her tears,
That she's been trying so hard to hold in.
Feeling so unwanted,
She searches for another,
To make her feel pretty again.
Knowing that person,
That she's been going too,
Wants nothing but one thing,
She's weak.
So she gives it up anyways.
Only time she feels wanted,
Is it wrong?
She knows it.
But she's hurting.
So she lets him abuse her,
Abuse her in ways she rather not say.
The cuts, the blades,
The ***,
No feelings,
He doesn't love her,
He doesn't care.
She doesn't seem to care, she's letting her self go.
"I'm so sorry"
She says to herself,
As she takes another puff,
As he enter the fragile body.

Never felt beautiful in her own skin,
She find ways,
To make her look like them.
The girls he adored,
The girls he prefered.
She drinks her shakes,
Checks how much she weighs,
Each day, to see if she gained or lost weight.
Hoping for more of this and less of that,
Flatter tummy,
Bigger ***.
But is appearance really that important?
Questions being asked to herself,
As she's on the machines,
Staring at the mirror,
Seeing fat, and guts,
When really she weighs nothing..
118 pounds,
She weighs nothing..
Feeling beautiful,
So her own,
Can look at her,
And make her feel beautiful,
And not looks others,
And wishing that she looked like that,
Those girls with much more.
Her skin becoming different,
She's not looking the same,
She sees it in her face,
But too her it's beauty,
And with beauty comes pain,
At least that's what she says.
So Who am I to stop her,
She already has her eyes on they.

I have so much to say. My mind is going into circles. What is wrong with me? Is this the real me? Is this what real happiness feels like? Why am I crying? I am healing. My body feels it. My heart can't take it, it's not used to this beautiful feeling..

If God could physically see how far I've came, and how happy I've become, he would be so proud of me.

So proud.

I need strength,
Give me strength.
I cannot take this.
I cannot do this.
My words are screaming,
My chest is pounding.
I need strength.
I need it the most.

Haven't had much inspiration.
It's like my mind is going crazy.
I can't seem to put the words that want to be said out on paper.
I'm at ease.
This feeling,
I am not understanding.
Is there nothing to say?
Nothing to write?
...  
I cannot continue.

Saw the worst it got,
I became more and more afraid.
Until one night, I went into that room,
on the floor she laid.
I shook her, she was blue, her skin was cold,
And she wasn't breathing.
Screamed Marie wake up!
I couldn't handle that she was leaving.
Mom and bro is running down, I screamed
Somebody help!
sharp up in the chest, CPR but it didn't help..


-GEazy

Young girl with a great heart. Play dumb but she book smart. Fooled around with them hood bums. Now she worrying about her unborn, no support she didn't have none. Mistakes? She said she never had done. Now she's feeling ashamed. She needs to understand she's not the only one to blame. To leave what's in her body, it's not your fault baby you had to stop it. Dreams of holding there little feet and hands, is hard to fight it. You was a young girl, who was in love with a ***. The feeling of sending gods gift back, girl you hate it. So you did it. Printed fingers on the glass, wishing this was your last, substances down your throat, eyes shutting, as the memories of what you had inside of you, another soul, was destroyed, because you was too young to hold, so you did it.
(Suicide and Abortion)

People will love you and support you when it's beneficial.

Im in a happy place right now.
No more tears, no more depression, no more sadness.
Thank you God.
For those people who left,
Because I realize that there bad presence,
Was discouraging.

She let her self go,
Once again she's so sorry.
But she's lost,
She needs guidance.
She feels disgusted,
She doesn't want to be reminded,
She's trying so hard not to fight it,
It's too late,
She already let them in,
They forced her.

He lost the attraction,
So he found it with another.

When I was in need,
You was always there.
You didn't always do me right,
But yes.
You was there.
When I was hurting,
You made sure my tears were in your hands,
You always caused these fights,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I was yelling,
You held me down,
Control my anger.
You made me yell,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I fell to ground,
You picked me up,
You made me feel weak,
Yes.
But you was there.
When I held those pills in my hands,
You came running into my room,
You made me do it.
Yes.
But you was there..

it takes time for someone to realize that happiness comes from within and not because of someone else.
doubt comes from within, but does it also come from someone else?
there is nothing wrong with being afraid of falling in love,
being hurt,
but yet we tend to put our walls up in fear wondering if we shield ourselves, no one can notice the little cracks in my wall,
in order to break me down.
I know what it is like to be lied too,
I know what it is like to make yourself feel strong,
and at night trying to figure out the pieces as to why this has happened to you,
and not them.
hating yourself for the mistakes they created,
pointing the fingers at yourself,
saying sorry when it is them that should be the one.
it is all a game, and you are the one playing it without consent.
he took my soul and manipulated it,
so he can grasp what he wanted,
he took my love and swept the life out of me,
so i no longer can feel a thing,
filled my lungs with smoke,
i couldn't breath.
i never once felt a thing,
when he was inside of me.
how could have he loved me?
that's what he said too me.
he loved me,
time..
time is what it took for me to realize,
his love..
his love..
his love..
wasn't meant for me,
meant for me,
meant for she.
i laid in my death bed,
saying goodbye to the old me,
thanking you,
for making me realize,
that with time,
time.
time..

everything can change.

You were suppose to be,
My knight charming armor.
But you shot a bullet too me.

Content with who I am, who I've become. Those may heard, but they will never know my story. I am a writer who will continue to write, although some seem tragic, I promise somethings we're just meant to happen. Many won't understand, some will try to adjust. Remember to never judge a book by its cover, because they could be smiling but in the inside be frowning. Remember to love those close to you, even the ones you lost contact with. Remain strong, and always fight. Because you are his solider, and he is your leader, let him guide, he'll never mislead you. For this is what I tell you, pain is just for a few seasons, but as long as you pray, I promise he will heal you. You don't need to go to church everyday, to have him Love you. You are his child, he'll never leave you. just promise that you will call him, when time gets rough, know that he's with you. Pray for strength, happiness and laughter, because at the end it will be all that you ever wanted, happy ever after..✨