Everybody says me weeper, gloomy
gentle in pain
everybody thinks me pain, weeping
delightful weeper
I am a delight force, my weeper
bitter delight
my words are the companion
tasteful but alone

O the weeper, the gloomy heart
take me to the river
and tell me; why do I love?
Cover my heart and my soul
from thickness of your sheet
Or else, I will die
by the coldness of hearts

Because I love ardently
and I am alone; You listen
for your needs, for your needs
I give every drop of my blood
and You take delight, calling me weeper
gloomy but beautiful

Who are everybody; but you
alone do I cry; my weeping heart
take us to the mountains
in heights where we sing together; loud
intense but gentle
What do you want more
and you call me gloomy

I am like a beautiful smile, my gloomy
sweet but short
I am like a taste of intense, weeper
bitter but powerful!

Do you want more, the weeper
my words are the only one left out here
Along with my heart
the departing heart!

- June 2011

my heart
comes in a shape of a box
as if
it's ready to encompass
all the
emotions in the world
besides for
my own

and for a moment
my heart seeks
all the unlived moments
of joys & love

love-- is this a word
or a feeling
this strange box
never kept it
for her own wrap ..

I see the sadness of
a moon
shining tall
amidst the darkness of night
distributing
secretly
her sorrows
wrapped in a gold-paper proudly
to her favorite boxes

oh, this strange feeling box..
such strange mystery

a flawless performance
of this timeless soundtrack
where my strange box
outshines
her own beauty

spent in solitude
with endless smoke & intoxication
to deny these sorrows

& almost
to defy all the moments
where love could be collected
for dark, cold moments

strange box --- encompasses all love
but not for herself ..

is it a dream
or just a reflection of a moon
in a river

for others to say 'how beautiful '
only to know
it's a gift wrapped
in a gold paper

proudly stating
'Timeless sorrows'

oh, this moon is incredibly proud
so are these boxes
keeping all the strangeness of this world ..
almost unspeakable to most!

I want to write
what i feel
but i have no words ..

i want to cry
when i think
but i have no tears ..

i want to go home
to separate myself from endless trauma
but i have no home ..

My spirit is low
my heart is filled with trauma
my mind continues to put up with me
my body continues to put up with me

And I am still low
Is this betrayal?

paint it blue
or paint me, black
have i lost my mind.

this circus,
family, friends ..
have they ****** it, entirely.

is it a waking dream
or am i, just another passing time

home, solitary
constant phone ringing
children screaming---a long list of things
to get..

an exile,
that never seem to end ..

countless drama's
i couldn't escape
my mind--being the best of me
& worst, left me
most of miserable..

no boundary, no limits
shamelessness; on top of all agenda's
an infected virus-- a shame
on humanity!

people i lost
relations i don't have
not a single tear

my mind is dense with thousand
of thoughts
my mouth; however
mute, as sunshine ..

is it just the lock-down
or the life, i have ..
the hypocrisy-- a venom
that
people seem to own it ..

a journey i am on
been a long
slow and solitary.

they say
'love heals all wounds'
let not bitterness
sit in your heart

i done all
people see
me
burning
bit by bit

love burns me
bitterness come inside
sitting in me
my heart

i try to raise my level
yet
it comes to me

i thought i am done
with bitterness

my heart says a different story
i can't breath
i am suffocated
in this skin
with all my 'love'


drunk in this bitterness
sitting by myself
gathering all my thoughts
trying
so hard
not to let it win
over me

my troubled heart
tells me
to speak up
guess
i am too shy of a person
to speak with my vocal words

am i running back?
I thought i came
forward with my life
but here we go
again

sitting in bitterness
with agony
in my heart
i can't fight
anymore

even for the sake
of love
guess i don't know my strengths


i am, yet
just so done
with hatred
bitterness
all over my face

love inside me
future seems bright
yet so lonely
and without love

love is all over me
past is full of evilness
pain, hurt
and burning
love never came to me

lies, betrayal
failure
loneliness
have,
shielded me
in its wrath

words have always been my companion
my saviour
my lifeline
it seem to have gone away

whilst i write this
in middle of night
alone
i write with fury of my heart
no knowing
what words come of me

memories haunt my peace
life betrays me
in a nutshell

i cry with all my love
dying inside me
yet so alive

I used to have words
I could write them
through my fingers
with a rhythm
of my heart
of my life
it feels words, too,
gone far
from my reach ..

this struggle
i bear inside
i no longer can narrate
with feelings of my words!

i see so many people
around
all
over
me ..
yet i no longer feel the empathy
of hearts
or
companionship of my words
it hurts
it aches within!

all my efforts
all my struggle
seems to go in vain ..

glasses get broken
so many people
with broken heart
broken limb, empty soul
it feels nothing heals

people come
and go..
sometimes, people stay
to change their colours
their patterns
with each passing day

yet, no words seem to soothe anything
so maybe it
an end to all of beginning
of this slaughter
martyrdom of hearts and passions

this, maybe the
beginning of my freedom
reviving through
my words
and this story!

strange people are lonely
be in a crowd
or at a party
they are weird
i have never been lonely
never have i tried to find it
anyone could enter
and go
as they like
bothers me not a bit
since i have always had this itch
for loneliness
it never bothered me
people did !
with people
or at crowd, full of noises
my heart wandered alone
cherished solitude
I've felt
intense
and cried
bitterness ran within these veins
which i not bother speaking
nor do i want anybody to see
that's my property, my possession
which none allowed to enter
well ..
because you see nothing
you hear none !
words are only medium to express
i am bothered by nothing
spoken words just another thing
filling up this deep thick air
paper is a blessing
i lay my soul bare
with no scratch in my heart !
i believe we are all alone
we are all dumped
to nothing
cities are full
air is polluted with noise
mouths are big
tusk tusk
it's stupid to be who you are
truth hurts
yet it doesn't !
forget what you wear
or how you do
you are nowhere
but in a world
who is incapable to see
to feel
me neither !
its only loneliness sometimes make sense to me
when others don't !

this you would know
live me, cry me
take me
dancing in the dark night
and healing never comes
pain keep mounting
eyes do not cry any more
nothing scares me
not even people
or their words
burn me
die me , curse me
be in my skin
it is as it is
kiss me
with your bitterness intact
i need you to forget everything
love does not exist
care is insulting
i am insulted
tonight i am in mood of nothing
epic journey
rejections filled this heart
that you would feel
tore me apart
seal me, free me
sentence it forever
waiting is a long stop
it never comes to end

-Aug 20013-

Look up,
aren't we blessed
to witness the starry pattern ..
it echoes across
my thoughts
my writings
in
my
head ..
filling up this void
in its quite solitude..

let me be drunk
overflowing with starry, mid-night
magical night ..
who cares what goes around
the world !!
While,
I witness the marvels
my heart
my soul
in
my
dreams ..

I find you in the loneliness
of these words
amidst
dreaming
of starry nights ..
all over me !!

in a colourful
yet subtle silence.

This rain makes my heart ponder
I, once again, fall in love
with rain--as it drops
and the sounds of her whispers
splashing everywhere
it makes me less alone
falling apart
tear
by
tear
pouring all over my skin.
drenched
yet warm in its all sheer presence
Rain--recognise my presence, after all!

What a joy, this--nature find me
in a mid of June
While nights are long and drunk
without a shadow
of any existence..

I, once again, fall in love
with nature--it's absolute completeness
it makes me feel i am not alone
anymore..
not the only one shattered
scattered everywhere
with all its shattered pieces
of pride and hope.
Rain makes me feel good

holding my hands
carrying
my weight
whispering softly
like a mystery
to never stop believing.

Dawn arrives
it has three rows
an enormous life
with intense struggle
carrying a paperweight

It feels, life like a surrealist dream
An artists masterpiece
hoping to find meaning
demeaning every single day--am i caught up yet again

a hurricane of strong winds
water splashing everywhere
no one receives hope
dawn arrives--we all leave and groan
parading into this abyss of living
searching between somewhere being alive and abandoned passions

hope; an impossible metaphor
just like these words
counting on some motivation
a furious lost coin--an engraved fury

dawn arrives--and these angels abandoned us
here in Cardiff--it groans like a mad uproar
the light is buried under our eyes and skin
hush of these deafening challenges
a staggering crowd in my head
those who go out of their skin
are the real ones/ achievers?
mired in symbols and in fruitless heart's labor.

dawn arrives
it bites the men--who thinks
there is no paradise
love that spurs out of our lives
dies in casual moments
and yet, this will continue
again and so on
and on.

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

parallel to heart
eyes, wet and teary
without knowing

sobbing

wet looks inside
inside me
deep

tears do not
roll up
heartaches or momentary pleasure

without doubt, I set everything free
yet
putting myself on a bed
of doubt,
and some more doubts

every second
each minute
it burns
inside

I am not the one
who I used to be..
am I going to remember anyone?

perhaps not
all the depth inside has
turned into cold

no need to be for free
or at service
all else continues to live
with or without
like
how I breathed.

I have found myself longing
and in bad times I feel
I am losing it away
there are no secrets I need to find more
in all good times- I still find myself
upside and down
this heart has its all seasons
but mostly, it's winters- harsh, long and chilling

when I write, I don't need to feel to connect the dots
all my loving leads me towards sour
and this aching soul
I sought myself too deep in invisible world inside
when I could've absorbed myself into commonly grounds
buried in my soul- those carefree moments
I doubted myself too much- tested by life's constant arrows
and people's altering behaviour
am I happy to be just myself?

I am the lover in a day light, I am the lover in a night
I am the lover in a morning, I am the lover in a starry cold night
I must have broke my heart when I let you go
I am hurt by loving; and achieving naught
will I be remembered much? I am alone in my own-shelter

from beginning till the time, i find a light that sparkles too much
when the sun goes up, I always tell myself
I will go up, with this divine spark that has kept me on my feet
the world's going to remember my face; my life; my love
it hurts, sometimes- too much; i will be remembered even when I am perished
words have gone away from me- I have stopped breathing them
I never thought I will be distracted
but here I am- trying to save myself
I am drowning - in my own chilly breeze
battling these battles, within me
trying to figure out what's the best that could keep me
what can really occupy me to my utmost use?

I am the lover that burns the light inside
I am the lover that shines the world outside
I am the lover that heals wounded souls
I am the lover that give hope to losing humanity

willing to forgo meaningless worldly mires
making attempts to rescue
I was left behind
when I needed to be rescued..
fighting these battles, gradually obtaining more light
encompassing more love
to re-shape myself
completely.

Oh I was, I am , will be if I don't say this to you
you were honest in telling me how you don't see us going anywhere
I got no time, to carry burden of heavy heart
I didn't see this coming; couldn't understand why
well ..honey, I didn't know that you felt nothing
I didn't think you didn't feel nothing
I didn't see this coming; you didn't think about me
explains all, no?
how messed up this heart- perhaps you could have figured my heart out
I didn't see this coming- I fell for you
by the cause, I wish I could undo it
your touch, and your smile..
oh no I don't want to carry your thoughts, in my head
my head is fuzzy
couldn't carry you anymore
I don't wanna see this anymore, I don't wanna carry this any longer
got distractions in my head - this a'int going anywhere
if you are not mine
forgive me, got to say this to you
I need to undo from my head, so to move on
its not my fault ..you see..
you said your honesty, I am giving you mine
got no heart to carry thoughts, that are not mine
got no mind to carry soul thats not mine
you may try kissing me again - you may try making love with me again
you will get what I mean
maybe you were right you didn't want to hurt
but oh honey- i am so thrilled and saddened by your flashbacks
how sweet, how bitter your touch
and I still think have i ever crossed your mind?
no you didn't..
oh honey, I didn't see it coming- and just like that I can't touch you
you said lets call if off - and I rang you back
oh honey, I listened and went away
but I aint got a heart to carry this on anymore ..
I waited, and waited- and I am still stuck in your thoughts
well you might believe
this wasn't just the **** - crawling up into me like craving of a soul
like burning of a fire..this wasn't just the pretend?
oh honey, you are gone..I wanna see this no more
your body, your eyes, your smiles..is what I keep thinking
I wanna carry you no longer..
with this line, I wanna undo you from my mind

characterless and beautiful; those mourning voices- I am too accustomed- of life's ******* fumes-
is this not a reality/ or just my mind's brilliance?
I am sweet- , it's like telling me I am good but no good-
those ***** nights- that you might even **** for good
black and white- am I the only one looking at grey?
so as it appears- that lust wins, for all, and for good
is there any remedy for mind- thinking mind obsessed with your thoughts?
oh honey, did I say not that you are beautiful- we are not match.
thereby not compatible- yet I can't take my mind off you
saving me a cure, for this illness thats growing in my flesh and bones
exactly this is not a meditation- writing for heart, or memory - or say reliving lusting memory
so as it is, it may be- are we allowed to say' its hurting'
or just be shut up about life- and pretend 'its polite not to be too open'.
its like a British thing - too swallowed up inside; yet so many people on street, lying down- looking for spare change- or ***;
people will say oh its 'dependence on *****'- *******, to all- who says
but who am I to say this?  
I am like running blue and black- at the same time; wishing to un-done my love
and could give them to people, who need
these words smell like decay- well break it more- who would bother
as if we really care- I feel empty, vain and disdain- how openly I confess more?
enough of this- let's just go back, this mind's brilliance is for nothing
it's all like an old brag- just take a drag, and steel the moments from night
don't be bothered- why to read this, I am not interested
there aren't any running thoughts behind, but who cares?
its all surrealistic, struggling to accept- you are nowhere around.
be a characterless *****, you foolish heart- be a *****- **** you
for these unnecessary troubles-
frozen in this realm of life and death- floating around somewhere in between
only if you were around.

I am sick of trying
why could you not love me back?
why could not love me at all?
Said, tomorrow will be brighter day-
what hath stop us?
And now, you wouldn't even want to see me?
I am sick of trying
of these little games- of our love whispering
oh darling, I told myself- it'll be all fine.
I'd broke my heart, why did I imagine you to be my own?
why did I think that you could hold me, a little- if not for too long?
turns out- it was not you; just you never felt
besides, you are going away
but will you think of me, at all?
in some of your nights, or in some of your casual moments?
I suggested; an alternative- but this didn't suit you either.
while I wanted to ask- why couldn't you love me, a little?
says a little voice to me - that I can't -- since, it's all vanished.
looks like, it never happened- nothing ever really mattered.
while I write this, with your image in my head
my mind asks me million questions; why did I fell for you?
to myself- I am like a prisoner; of my behaviour- not loving those who love me dearly; falling for those who can't love me back?
have I not been loved enough?
oh darling- this is a nutshell of my heart
so wild, so carefree - it fell for you, unknowingly- and here I am;
writing; with bitterness and meloncholy- so sick of trying, and losing.

Enclosed in this body
I find myself terribly alone
people who are supposed to be mine; I don't understand their customs even though we share same language
how can we share same culture, bonding, skin colour and religion?
I find this bizarre- strange, and defying
though I did not want; I am forced to hear the stories
participate in this wildness of rituals, judgemental games
these rituals, maddening remarks and cultural scores
majorly- religious obsession; I find this bizarre, fanatic, humiliating
I, just feel, absurdly, obscurely and intensely alone
officially, I resigned from feeling too human.

By the river
I sat down
and wept

4 am & i am up
thinking about life; and those casual heartaches
blurred over lines, from
hangovers; from last night
dissolved in an abyss
lost in momnets of love.

6am and this struggle
continue in my vassal, holding into hope
these are careless whinning
another vegabond- bottled up
in crazy soul; and this body
how do i refine myself of these
'too many' memories
i still don't know why i cried
it's something that my heart
rearranged & felt in its cage- waiting to be free
carved in moment of silence

8pm - i replace smiles
and removing soberity
putting on wilderness- empty roads
empty brothels
people- of their smiles; faces; of all kind
and rendered between those faces
dancing away like i am not myself
as long as i can dance.
who cares to be carrassed.
this town is a blessing-
slowly & drifting away- i am crafted in these soulless ***** nights

midnight- & those fading passions
everything changes- like a bad man's dream- why did i leave?
i was never meant to stay back?
never fits into this mess
there''s no healing- and no way back
unable to recognize this emptiness- not everything gets filled
it's like both way- glass half full; and half empty
all surrealist--fading away
into a myth of starry night.

i felt you
so closely, and very near
like an air, like a wind
but you are still far..
i felt you
near me, so close
all over me and my senses
you touched me
went by my breath, my face
my head,
i haven't been myself ever since.
i felt you,
that close..in my blood
in my restlessness, in my helplessness
you came and left me vulnerable
my heart is like a child, needing presence
to feel warmth and not abandoned
but it doesn't have any.

i felt you
that close, and that near
hitting me with your force
showing the might-
i have been reminded of my weakness
so much, that i am struggling to focus
i can't see any face, i am blinded by your supremeness
and i feel powerless.
wondering where do i stand
in this life?
how did you leave me, so closely
so powerful
and yet here i am
writing about you, after being crushed by you
overwhelmed by your extreme
i felt you, oh death
so closely
you were there, that close
yet, left me
just like everyone else.

If i die
don't cry
or feel sorry for me
but rather
celebrate my life
my heart
my soul
it once gave away
everything; for people
people of all kinds
race, religion
color or region
it didn't stop loving..

let my life be told like a beautiful rhytm
rekindled in tears, casual smiles
lonely moments
sitting in coffee shops, just by yourself
or amidst people, in crowd..
knowing there's no one else who would hear your stories
and yet willing to take as who you are

if i die
don't feel i was miserable
because i was a life within life
a smile in laughter
a soul who doesn't trouble any
my life was a beautiful ride
and remember so is my going away
it will touch you deeply
and you will be reminded me of
in moments, in casualness
in summers, in autumn
of love, of beauty, of friendships
of relationships - of being with people
without ever asking
just don't stop feeling
because of my going away

if i die
don't cry, don't grieve
as i have moved to one place to another
so celebrate my smile in your smiles
and let my memory be like music
forever there in background
keeping you alive
and young..

i feel like a *****
ended up being used ...
trying to sell my body
and my soul
i have sold myself
to people...to people i love
sometimes its the life that hurts the most
but not people, that hurts..
sometimes i am too vulnerable
like a wreck
i end up hating myself
each moment, i breathe
sometimes it's the things that hurts
but not yourself..

we are the slaves of our emotions
drifting into each other like a lover
this love--that i speak, hurts like a needle in body
why do i care so much?
i am too alien to my own thoughts..
i wish i knew the answers--all i had the questions
that wrecked my soul..

sometimes its not the words that hurts
but life, itself--that hurts the most..
yet, in the end...
it's the hurt, that i feel
my companion for night and day
that's there to stay with me forever ...

i feel like destroying everything but i can't
my hands are tied, so is my heart..
little tiny thing inside us,
that aches like a burning volcano
all i know..
its' not always the people that hurts
but life itself, that hurts the most..

Dec 2017

get dressed
and go to a club
this is where you will feel your soul mate
lying somewhere
drunk in its intoxication
waiting to be held..
people, things, life..and love
everything that jumbles up inside
like a drowning arrow
thrown to us..
waiting to hit us..

we stir ourselves..with more and more pain
by isolating us to people we love
who am i to judge?
All i feel is this endless trauma inside
waiting to be eased
is this my constant companion?
like a calm, superior wave
to drown me
inside its roar
who is there to save?

i remember those dangerous games
that i played--
now it's time to pay back
all i know..is i abort to this drowning hurt
to take me in its arm
since no other is there to hold me tonight ..

dress and make yourself look pretty
so the world outside see how happy you are
to sleep with you, to make love with you
to kiss you like a baby
so what, if we are hurt?
all i know... that i have sold myself
to these statues of pain..

to those pictures of hurt..
people who come by, saw its beauty and left it
on its own..
and here i am ..
drunk in my intoxication
giving me pain every second, every minute
wishing i stop breathing
for a minute
and forget everything
that ever existed..

Dec 2017

where should i go
i am just an immigrant
like a bird
hugging the air

i am withered away
in this stormy weather
where none exists

bird of my soul writhes
but its unable to find its path
am i lost?
Or i am unable to see any face

tell me, my friend
where should i go?
just show me the path of love
and let me be your follower

i stay in one moment
and fly away in next..
where do i belong?
have i asked for too much
or i am intoxicated of you leaving me

listen to my call
i am here only for a short visit
what false could i do to you?
my destiny is beyond the borders
this path, that i am walking
does it take me to heaven
or i am too pretentious?

since this strange love keeps us accompanied
i have become a stranger to my own love
or these moment of loneliness have overwhelmed me

where should i go?
am i destined to reach to my path
or this path will keep on playing hide and seek
tell me, what traits do i possess?
have i been too much of a rebel?
since the time i met you
i have desolated my own
and became a caravan of lost

why do i still look for excuses to love, yet again
even though, i deny all the excuses
and this madness keeps me in company
asking me
where should i go, again?
but my mind tells me
to stop denying facets of love
and finally admit
the shortcomings of my understanding..

this peace has desolated from your heart
and there's no way going back.

tell me, my friend
what should i do?
where do i go?

i am burning
even if its' snowing outside
my own burning
burnt me, inside outside
like this tiredness
so what, if life has stopped living for me
so what, if love has stopped knocking at my door
i will walk, regardless
sooner, i will fall in love, again
to nature, to streaming beautiful waterfall
and i will start trusting again.
to those random faces, and their smiles
their beautiful words--spoken to me
telling me, 'oh, i look nice to them'..
why can't i trust--i have stopped asking
since its my own tiredness
in people, and their empty words
yet, i continue to move on..

imagine, if i find a soul, too
to make me fall in love again..
and let this burning go away
even if i find you, so what?
will this ease away my burning
that came, by your empty words?
or will it stop making me feel this tired
and lonely

so what, even if i get you..
i had this ache that if with you,
i will stop being this
alas, it was you, who made me feel
the loneliest

i have stopped looking
letting this burning consume me
i shall regardless, move on..
and continue to hope
that i, too recover from empty promises
and hollow words
so to be immortal again

flowers continue to blossom
people continue to meet
and air continue to blow
but my heart--my loved one
has stopped
you hear my heart--from a far away land
telling you
it has stopped beating
as if, it's absent
as if, it doesn't recognize any face

all other things that are filled with soul
i am, the only one, without a soul
all other continue to be happy
i am, the only one, who is without happiness
every other has a person
and yet, i am the only one, who's without a one.
they all have homes,
they all have something to hold on to
yet, i am the only one, who's without a one.

you hear my voice, you see my smiles
knowing, there is nothing beneath those
its like a night, without starts

everything blossoms
and it all goes dead..
i sing myself to these words
since, i know, the handful time i have
that will make you remember me..
of this heart..
that stopped before its time..

silence, is encompassing me
with all its stillness and remote
continuing to mourn over my halt soul
where do i find you,  what do i have ?
with each passing day,
this air, smiling at it's stillness
letting autumn fall over
and this heart, doesn't remember anything
nor does anyone remember it.
since there is no one who can hold me
to my peace

photographs, and the vivid memories
will it turn into a beautiful rhythm
of our bygone love..
listen, and let me fall in love with you
all over again
listen to these falling words
hearts that are beaming in mixture of love
and separation
if, only you could come
love will come to me
and life will smile with me
it's like a desert without rain
reminding me of your smiles,
of your love--
telling me, i don't belong here

for another heart, you may be a person
with beautiful appearance..
but listen--listen to these words
that will make you fall in love with yourseslf
listen from my heart, listen to these songs of my heart
asking me of your whereabouts..

my beloved, listen to my breaths that i take
sleep that has gone away from me
and from not loving you
i have stopped loving all once
and yet, here i am
feeding my love to grow over me
beseeching me to find the beloved
that has gone away..

I smoke awaay
My pain my sorrows

Letting them drown
In a world
Which i don’t know much about

I counsel myself
In my own hearings
Presenting my heart
Against all the wrongdoings

Where do I find you
Where do I look for you
My heart sought
Those blissful mornings
When I didn’t know much of this world

I caresses my heart and my wounds
In my own inflicting pain
So to never lose
Of a person
Like you

Since I never liked losing
And even though I’m drunk
In these passionate remorse
All I am thinking
Is your heart

To remember you
In my finest touch

All I know
That I was drunk
By the hallucinations
Of your looks of your touch
Of your soothing mystery
I didn’t know much
Yet I know
That I loved you
With my heart in rich force
Mingled with yours
You overlooked
You never bothered
And here I’m
Waiting again
To be touched to be felt
To be known again
In a land
Of your mystery looks

I drank my sorrows
Leaving them behind
Somewhere
I don’t recall
All I know
Is the key
To this locker
I’ve thrown away
Far from my reach
So I could be sober
Again
To find my heart
Once more
And embrace it all
To heal my unheard wounds

my dear, wasn't just the metaphor
it meant, every singly word of it
with all my heart
even though i had nothing to give
my soul was burnt up with agony
but i stood up.
lived up to what you wanted.

i let myself be easily fooled
by your stories, and your marvels
till to the point, i am left with my remains
what do you want to do with my remains?
do you relish to devour of my remains now?
doesn't it satisfy you enough,
how i do satisfy you more?
I never will be able to guess
of your little stories..
my little one..were just not words to me
i felt it with all my soul..
yet it aggrieve me to think how you burnt me up
in my own little world
leaving me no way out..
even though, i so want to escape
to my sad, i have no way out..
yet,
you want to see me,
to see how i behave
even when i am left with nothingness
falsely, this love--that you think it was..
killed my heart
and i am no one
but another story of your marvel
your truly false story that played on me.

Do i hate you?
Or am i angry at you?
I don't hate you, i am not angry at you
but i just feel better
when i don't see you, when i don't speak to you
i remember the things that made me so miserable
and i know, this won't go away
just like that..
i am happy, i am truly happy that you are happy
and you're moving on
this is best for both..
but there is no room for anger,
or hate, or boredom revenge
hitting with each other with knife
and telling me later, how sorry you are
you were my little one..
what i felt with you, of what i never felt with anyone else
yet, let me tell you
i just don't want to speak to you
nor do i want to speak about you
my heart had enough, so did my soul
of tortures ..and these endless desires
of seducing and making out..
it seems you care, and have cared
but truth is..you cared only about yourself
nobody else..
and this will, once realize
will daunt you and your life..
i just wish, i never get to see this
and never had to see your face
ever, again..
till i breath.

love is never enough
you hit me, and it felt like love
i am filled with rage
so many passions, burnt up emotions
in my own burning volcano
why didn't i die there?
i marvel on how much it can hurts?
yet i am here
refusing to move on..
feeling every punch of you
as if it's the best thing ever..
knowing it's the only thing you gave
boxed in beautifully wrapped named 'love'
filled with poison,
rage, and so much hurt.

everyone tells me to move on
yet here i am
writing poems, prose's about you
memories haunting me
like a needle in body
it won't leave my heart
is there a remedy?
for how we played? or how you played?
why do i care?
telling me, how naive i am
i wish i could stop moving on
any further..
while each word i write
it torture my soul
yet i cant keep it to myself
so i close my eyes..
i am scared i would lose myself
just like you..
i wish i become immune, cold
and remote..like you..
who do i compare with you
it won't be enough..
everyone tells me to be strong
just like how i appear to be..
but i keep guessing,
why i am still here?
feeling this, writing this
that continues to run in my head
like a time-machine
i don't want to wake up..
to feel any further, cause i know
there is no relief out there
my dreams tell me
i will be fine..
but this reality of darkness whispers something else..
yet there's no escape
except of sleep.

love can't be held
it can be captured
it can't be described
what i feel, might you feel same
but we feel all of us,
burning desire,
little by little
i thought i know pain--of letting go
it's more than that..
i loved with this love, of being loved
i am not angry
but i just thought---i know pain
i was wrong..
all i am feeling is pain...a lot of pain..
you can't escape
i wasn't enough
even if you loved me
inch by inch of you--yet moving on
i would imagine i knew the feeling
but i forget--every time
how much it hurts--of love
love, that runs in my body
like veins, like rushing blood
i feel for everything, and everyone
yet it's for only few
you amongs them
and its not enough.

I have felt the pain
growing in my soul
like a bursting volcano
i wonder if i can hide it
in my smiles
in my casualness-- my crippled inside
why do i need people?
why do i need to reconcile
when i have my heart
that's so much more than anyone
it has capacity to take
to get broken, to sync all the sufferings
why do i care so much?
when i barely receive any?
this pain is unbearable
it took me to contact those who i didn't want to
but i did..
out of my hearts massive heartache
out of my breath's incapacity to breath
wonder, why do i feel?
i am so incapable of feeling anymore
yet,
here i am,
with my crippled soul, waiting to be heard
waiting to be wrapped in her warmth.

you bought me a lipstick
red lipstick
it keeps me warm
and young
tell me when you're done
i am a canvas that may be loved
till madness
yet i am so lonely, with all my colors
i am haunted by tenderness, gentle memories
with thoughts of heated arguments
where my looming gloom sets in
have i thought of you too much?
tell me when you're done with your ******* and find peace
in this gentleness
I am just too bored to think of you anymore
my head hurts, my arms are empty
where do i find the thought that keeps me moving on
yet i am too wrought by in's and outs
of your gloom in me
love has quit my soul and replaced it
with your spirit of lust and craving for utter madness
i wear the color of red, on my body
and my lips..
yet i am so cold

****** me
when i am gone
kiss me
when i am no more
touch me
when i am nowhere to be seen
drink me
when i am dying ..

I am haunted by my own
All i had was myself
to my own,
i don't recall myself
leaving behind, i don't care how i am seen
i lost myself to a place
where i dont belong
i lost myself to people
who i don't know no more
i lost myself to myself
to a one, i don't recall much.

Do i need coffee?
When i have you
only a thought that keeps my mind occupied
your scent, your lips on mine
with smoke of cigarettes
in my whole body, touching me
as if its never been touched before
what do i say of love?
what do i say of trust?
I have neither
so i get back to coffee
my world of caffeine
smoke, endless smoke
filling up my emptiness
a dose of caffeine
the only thing that keeps me moving
no love, no trust
only dose of caffeine
with regrets kissing me all over.
putting me in shame every moment

time's imperative need
to always perform
and be in conscious
of all the things that matters--is that nothing matters
Why do we even care?
i witness these movements, in and out,
here and there
As if, at some times, it will make sense
and for what?
with solitude, and with darkness in our minds
we move around--ask these wind,
the waves, and lyrics that you listen to 24/7
trying to relate to what we feel
night and day
in bleak of solitude, dwelling in profound drunkness
ask that who cry with their wide smiles
ask that which whines with their perfections
ask that who are restless in between sleep and awake
for life's eternal burden--that breaks and pierces within
and you must stop worrying
for words can't tell
what we go through
it's a forever going circus.
let's fill ourselves with wine,
poetry, our floating existences..
and these careless words, sometimes deep
sometimes shallow
and must stop worrying.
for each other, and for one another

I used to advertise, my loyalty
my tenderness--that knew nothing but you--your scent
how beautiful when I held you
my face is still fresh with infinite kisses
our love is incredible, I used to think
till infidelity came in between--your promises
your sweetness, all went like a sun amidst dark clouds
I promise myself--I'd move on
and I did..yet, ordinary things remind me of you
beautiful smiles; casual ways
nothing more to say; just life alone
reminds me of your deep presence
dwelling in me
I had drown myself; in dustiness of life
but I am afraid
my heart became a place ---
chosen for betrayal
No more, i display myself
for 'loyalty' .
not comforting myself with any lies, having no real desire to continue
but i continue, to be, and live
against odds--betraying, every second minute
I'd wanted to let go;
but life, made me cruel.

Tear me apart
I would still hold you
deafen my ears,
i would still listen to your silences
mute my words
I would still utter you
through my longings, my never-ending yearnings
even without a feel, i would feel you
with my heart, with my soul
I cry your tears, your screams
the rashes in your heart
strangle my soul, and my brain on fire
and your soul, leaving me cold
without an emotion, without a hand
I wish you could have seen !

-2011

I smile in confusions
I cry in laughter
I remain without me, when with me
And all day long, I long to be with me
Nights remain a process of pain-sewing
like a needle in fabric ..
I talk passion, my sight short sighted-ness
My blood sings in bleeding
Heaven heaven !
I love bleeding;
in burning core to core in love..
Heavens might have placed me in this earth,
but my heart marches still in the doors of heaven..

Wind cries
Feeling whirls
Owing to life's constant playing
Tell me of good
Speak me in your beauty
Forget all cruel
Hold cheers in your dancing matters

-2014

I belong to heart
I belong to mind
I belong to all of you
I am your friend
I am your enemy
I am your stranger
I stay in disappointment
I stay in silence
I stay in tears

-2014

romance with me while you smile at me

I was a soul
i will stay a soul
in your love
i remain a crazy existence
hearts do not know what to do with their core
they are dissolved
day by day
not knowing of their lost self
i am determined
my mind did not took me along
when all the love was being disbursed
i was left alone
to feel alone the lonesome
in a world
which i know is not mine

-2014