Insanity is such a playful word
I want to extract each of your teeth
To play the most iconic drum beats of all time.
Make snarled rhythm out of your body
One.    Last.    Time.
Underneath the howling moonlight
We made love to.  
And you sat shivering.
Insanity holds such ambiguity that it's ready to burst.
So intense as it sits stinging you like bees
Watching you H. U. R. T.
Or leaving you laughing at strange.

I guess what we have is insanity
That it is driving me off the edge
And keeping me together all the same.

Look, look 
This is her tray, her tray of ash 
These here... They're her empty bottles of Jack 
Over there is where she keeps the condoms.
Stash of **** between the books. 
If you look closely at the carpet you can see dried *****. 
White walls are now stained yellow, 
Too many drunken gatherings. 
But she's so young inside. 
Mind of a ten year old
With a body of a sixteen yer old woman. 
Don't look now, but she's preparing herself to talk
In her ditsy fake tone. 
"I am like, so white trash. Do you love me yet?"
Twirling bleached blonde hair
pouting those lipstick drowned
And collogen inflamed lips. 
Seeing this ***** in her natural habitat
Makes me wonder where her parents went wrong.

I hate that you took away my ability to believe that anyone loves me.
I hate that you twisted my mind in places that forced me to be afraid,
Constantly.
I hate that you made the self hate cut deeper.
You made me hate myself so much more.
I hate that you made me feel so ******* insane,
In a way that I thought I deserved the pain…
Self inflicted or otherwise.
I hate that I begged you to **** me
Just to make the pain stop
And to satisfy this weirdly imbedded thought that somehow it would make your life easier.

I hate you and the ghosts and the scars you’ve left me with.
I hate you and I didn’t deserve this.

And whilst there  are moments like this…
Where I feel empty and worthless.
Know that the times where I feel ten feet tall and more powerful than a god are far more common.
You’ve taken things, pieces of me. But you can’t take anything else.

My
                    
                  Whole

                                     Life
                                              Is

                                                        A
                                                               Poorly

                                                                               Written

                                                                                              P O E M.

I am quivering
With fear
At the little lumps
That have appeared.

And I am terrified
Of rhyming.

Death; will have us beautifully
Rotting, morphing, transforming
Into a dripping, bloodless
Enemy of life.
I've never been afraid of feeding worms
Only holding their slime encased bodies
Out of the sheer thought of hurting their
Extravagant ability to care for the earth...

A trait humans don't feel in their fingernails.

I might lose my hair
But I've been collecting dress-up wigs
Since I was a baby girl playing dolly,
Dressing as the fairy queen princess who ruled the world.
I might lose my hair,
But I'm afraid of fighting this alone.
Solitude was the perfect cup of warm tea
And a fluffy blanket on a stormy day...
and now...
And now it has me shivering out of my skin.

I have transformed since our last
Conversation.
I have grown this ever brightening light
And I am learning so much about me...
Too much perhaps...
Too much and not enough about
These two little lumps.

Every once in a while,
I'd just like some one to smile
and ask if I'm okay.

Every once in a while
I'd just like someone to smile
and kiss my scars goodnight.

Every once in a while
I'd just like someone to smile
and hold me in the coldest nights.

Every once in a while
I'd just like you to smile
and tell me you love me
and that our world together
will never end
as long as we're alive.

As we approach the stop sign,
And your road lane begins to disappear,
The sadness washes all around us
I pull at strings to bring you on my path,
You fall still while a smile widens.

A tear falls, the realisation finally reality.
We have no gauge to bring forth certainty
To when your last life grain falls
Down upon the many lessons learnt in your hour glass.
It has been glorious years spent,
Rebelling and repelling social norms of our lives,
Drinking wisdoms out of library glasses
And camping mischief around bridges we built.

Your lives clock is ticking it's last heart beats,
But I'll find you in every life I meet.

You've learnt, you've grown,
you've seen, you've lived
and you've loved.
Keep loving.
Always love, who ever you are
And where ever you end up.

I'd like to break my ribcage open,
And bash my skull with the shards.
To forget this pain,
Heartache and torture.
I felt it coming,
I saw it... touched it
And fell on it; it pierced like a vampires stake.

I am swelling with pain,
Overflowing onto those I love,
I am unintentionally; purposely
Setting others on fire.

Selfish, stupid, broken;
No ones deserves this pain
But me.

I am 26 letters more empty,
Than I was yesterday.
This world is the constant dripping of a tap,
Drilling into my skull one millimetre at a time.
This world is safely wrapped in bubble wrap,
Beautifully shattered from the inside.
We have thousands of bubbles to pop,
One god ****** pope at a time.
Interfering personal spaces,
Dancing wildly on the edges of dust.
We sit and rust on O2 particles
Kissing dreams of lust as our bones cuss.

I stand alone at parties,
With a drink in my hand,
Watching my wasted useless peers
Then you walked up to me,
Already off your ****
And it's only 20 past 6.

"Oh, please. **** me."

Ha Ha!,
Silly boy,
I wouldn't even touch you
In your most crazy, *** driven dreams,
But I'll smile politely
And say,
**"Sorry, I've already forgotten your name."

Why must this searing pain
in my throat debilitate me,
why must my lungs
throb with such breathlessness
again?

thinking all this was over
thinking all of this was done,
i let myself collapse, falter
and become so numb.

i'll drown in fire
and freeze in the depths
of razor thunder.
this is not electricity
this is a pain
i thought i'd forgotten
or atleast padlocked into a cage

Young children skip stones on the lake.
The boys, they "accidently" fall in.
Mistakes are the best memories made.
Laughter fills the sweet summer air.
On their chubby cheeks
the sun dances
and they breathe in
the lucious smell of springs late blooming flowers.
Summer is finally here.
Handmade Lemonade stands scatter footpaths
and lemon peels litter the street.
Lemonade 5cents
Daisy chains rest on the older girls heads
as they tan in the sun.
And in ten years time, polaroids will fill their walls
Of this beautiful summer
in the town by the lake.

Maybe all the insane asylums are filled with Jesus's

and

Maybe all the churches are filled with maniacs.

and

Maybe all the schools are filled with dead beats

and

Maybe all the streets are filled with brainiacs.

and

Maybe businessmen are not in business chairs
     But hospitals instead.

and

Maybe doctors aren't lab rats in coats
     But witches beneath jungles.

and

Maybe all teachings aren't in books
     But in trees again.

and

Maybe all leaders are not statues
      But fell off the square edged earth.

and

Maybe politics is just what it seems
      *****-ish drunkards and rigged card games.

Again, like a clogged drain filled with leopard fur,
The tantalising words of my next and newest mind burst
Seeped through and escaped.

Most nights I wish I could escape
From monsters I cannot see,
Hear or feel...
Are they even monsters at all?

I keep finding hell's butterflies,
but I don't think they're real any more.

Other minutes pass and I'm stuck on remembering
A single line that was never meant to enter my mind.

A whole day now has introduced a double cosmos
Swirling its nebula around my toes,
I'm still stuck here but it's cosy...
And I'm wholly overcome with mesmerising tastebuds.

A personal protest,

A fight to forge an identity
And refuse all they think they know.
Butting heads against rams,
They wound but encase yourself with their fear
It hurts less when they attack it themselves.
Exist, create, destroy, love, hurt, ******, ******
Pre existing values that were pulled from the teeth of drunkards afraid of their own faces.
Shake free of shackles and swing them,

A personal protest.

A newly found revolution of a one man army.
I'd join you but I'm picketing my own funeral.
Stay fearless, stay unconformed, stay you,
Stay me, stay puppy.
A pat on the head from corporate junkies
As you march along side them
Licking their seeping fears for them
As they shake that ground you forgot to stand on.
The ground is not ours and
We are losing the fight against humanity,
We've lost our way.
They've lost their way.
Corporate monkeys ******* our brains,
******* their own egos.

From afar I stand structurally sound,
No large gashes or permanent pinkish slashes,
But wind your way closer and peel back your eyes
The rust begins to show,
Climb inside I'm slowly eroding,
And collapsing.
Most feel it's better to partially admire
From behind a series of cement structures
Only glimpsing at my strength and stability.

I.
You are my shipwreck,
I am your siren,
It's an uneasy game I play
Dragging you down to the depths...
Dragging you down to your death.

II.
I always get lost
Looking for something to open my eyes;
I've never really been awake.

III.
Swearing to hurt anyone
Who
Tries to **** me...
Do those same rules apply
When I try to **** myself
In your ******* black hole eyes.

IV.
The galaxy has been filling me
For years and you find
Beauty in my stone cold shell encasing.

V.
Maybe we should wait and see.

VI.
"Give me time."

VII.
I hope your favourite sound
Is the dah-dum
Of my heart beat drum...

VIII.
I love you.

Depression's cold hearted grip will slowly tighten,
And strangle you  to the point of just past broken,
And keep you prisoner.
It will hold you captive for as long as it pleases,
For as long as you are not strong enough to break free,
And emerge; spreading your wings like a newly awaken butterfly.
Except you won't be new the day you emerge,
Your wings will be bruised and battered.
But over time, we will see,
They will regain their beauty and help you, once again, to fly free.

When the smoke engulfs you,
smothers your lungs
cough cough splutter
and your head spins
in the indulge of pleassure
cough cough splutter
Swarmed by the rush of people
in Sydney minding their own business
walking these twisting streets
cough cough splutter
it's at that point that you realise
this is where you're supposed to be
who you're supposed to be
and what you're meant to do.

"Dearest friend, don't do that... you'll die."
"Oh, I'm already dead."
"Speachless but welcome, welcome to my land of the living dead."
"Darling, I know this place well, no need for introductions."
"I... I am the owner of this cemetery..."
*"Oh, sweet friend, stop. We need none of this.
My darling, we'll rot together."

I underestimated loves vicious abilities.
Love has
left us with nothing.
No lover
and no bestfriend.
We just evaporated,
vanished.
We were washed away
in rapid floods
of lies
and deception.

Some sort of monster from the deep,
or the haunted darkness,
has taken its needle to me,
tying me to this surgeons table,
burnig in cold, cold metal,
stitching my filthy lips together,
digging its claws in to my lungs,
shattering my ribs and stealing oxygen,
Hands tensed, skin tearing on my knuckles,
I can't scream with my head in a vice,
constricting and getting smaller,
brain fluid will drip on your feet monster,
Thrashing about on the table,
like a fish out of water,
the cable ties around my hands and feet
finally pop and I'm free,
my tongue it taunts me though,
it wants to, but it can't speak,
Bones now burn to dust,
I crumble and it takes me,
stolen by the darkness
but i'm still scratching at the walls of insanity.

Your mouth bleeds
as your cracked teeth stumble over useless apologies.
"i'm sorry. I'm sorry"
that doesn't matter now.
no, it probably never did.
"HA HA HA"
these clowns laugh in your blood stained face.
Somehow
while they were preparing the concrete
you sunk to your knees
to pray to the god you never believed in in the first place.
Whispers of prayers
quickly became screams
as they stuck your feet in concrete blocks
chained you up
and sunk you at the bottom of the river.

Why would you tell me to breathe
if you're the only one who wants me to die?
wind your spells around my neck
and tighten your grip.
this is a wasteland.
You want me to breathe but
you're the one killing me.
Hypocritical ******* flows
from your mouth so beautifully.
this is a wasteland, a chemical reunion.
through death you say,
i'll live again.
put your venom in my mouth
you're the only one that wants me around
you're the only one that wants me to die.
Don't tell me to breahe,
its only toxic waste in these lungs.
your fangs in my tongue, deteriorate.
I'll dissolve and you'll explode
in pretty coloured smoke. enjoy.
You'll vanish before i can blink an eye.
You're the only one that wants me to die.

If she studies this shade of white any longer,
She'll probably become it.
And if She refuses any more,
Society will win, She'll become paper thin.
Thinner than her.
Thinner than him.
Thinner than all of us.
It's all that matters.
Breathing doesn't mean a thing
If it's not this painful,
Food seems to clog her mouth
And she struggles,
She struggles to chew, to breathe
Struggles to exist.
She bleeds for beauty that isn't real.
Waiting for that body to disslove in mist.
Paper thin. Paper thin.
Take me away, down the drain
Drip me down this sink like a faulty tap
Let me drink every other girl's selfish thoughts.
I want to change something,
I want to change someone, anything at all.
Paper thin. Paper thin.

Strange the way things are so easily broken.
                     Even stranger is how delicate they are when built.
                     Like hands, small... soft and gentle on a baby
                     But so easily destroyed by another.
                     Hearts... not an element of strength about them,
                     But they suffer the most and yet...
They continue to beat...
Sometimes slower like mine,
       I feel the force of time
                   Slowing
            Stuttering at points
              And even SHATTERING.
we               A world too arid... too destructive and self imploding
breathe                To allow any such existence..... A Hero...
  sin                             We slaughtered the ones we had.
  and                               Jesus beaten and nailed to a post...
   saviors                              Burnt at the stake... I suppose.
                                                     Because we are scared.
                                                        Petrified and screaming from a man
                                                        That had mastered redemption
                                                        we corrupted the only hint of peace we imagined.
                                                        we are the masters of nothing.

Now as he floats in space with the stars we murdered to save our "souls"
We bleed empty bones and blame everyone else for our guns to our head,
Shaking... will you smile when you die....

She sits in her little ball
of self diagnosed depression,
self inflicted sadness
and weeps dry tears
she sobs hoping someone
will stop
hoping prince charming will pick her up
even though she knows
he does not exist.

I feel sorry for this girl,
she has no one
as I watch her life through glass walls,
(glass walls that I can't break down)
she has become my favourite channel.
each season is almost the same as the last;
like a horrible soap opera
except this is real.
people see her,
pause for a moment,
weigh up the pros and cons
then continue on
like she was never there.

Very suddenly her life
becomes dark
and she's controlling the storm clouds
the roll and crash and boom
the spinning of a
self destructive tornado.
it rains blood on the world
shedding the now only present colour.
its all become black and white.
Its all become black and white
and she's dissolving in the smoke.
with a broken smile on her face,
she floats away on *** and coke.

It rains underneath the umbrella now, what have you done? What spells have you spun? No more, dear, I cannot take anymore. Eternal darkness traded for pain. I want the beauty of light again. And with my hand stitched to yours, I led you to the train, and on those tracks we died, under our umbrella of blood red rain.

How do you stop this debilitating aching
Within your chest?

And how do you keep from drowning,
When all you can do is sink,
Choking on water thicker than cement?

Have you ever tried to convince those around you
That you are in love with the very person they hate?

How do you walk again
After falling,
Crawling and then shattering every limb?

And who ever taught you to breathe,
After suffocating on sorry's and do you still love me's
And spewing up your lungs corrupted with
False innocence and lies?

You're so scared of death but
don't you think you're the only one.
How do you see me at all
through scarred flesh
and pools of blood.

How do you see me at all
when your back is turned
and the snapping noise
of your spinal cord
is all that is heard
drowning out the light
in the room.

Blinding.
Please don't bleed anymore.

And if the sky wasn't falling
I never would have
left you there to suffocate
beneath the waves.

I.
I sat in bed
With my monsters
Conversing about
Their favourite
Taunts in my head.
We play at the
Bottom of a lake
Making lists of
All the ways I'm
Going to drown.

I swim through your eyes,
get lost in your mind;
it's so beautiful here.

i could watch your life grow
forever and never get bored
with your way of processing
even the simplest things.

i dive deeper
and fall into the warmth
of your heart, but
i feel its so fragile,
corners stitched together;
makeshift medicine
against lost loves
and fatigue from the world
that treated you so badly,
i brush my fingertips
over the blackening spots
hoping to take
your sadness away.


i fell in love
with the butterflies
living in your belly,
their colours adding
to your beauty.

My eyes open slowly,
and to just trace your lips
with the tip of my finger
would be safety for me
and all these tears would
dry.

I awaken
to only realize
i am alone once again,
needing you here.

The black deer graces headlights again,
Unusually an often occurrence.
Beams burn the animal,
But it feels love.
Absolutely, entirely backwards.
The deer is broken,
Like the light reflecting off your cheeks.
Head pain, a headache,
Left little for the mind to chew
And I've been suffering for weeks now.
I drew inspiration from dust off strangers feet.
I've never been so dull, so bland, so colourless.
Mental instability, she's pretty but she's dead
And he's looking for cheap ****.
Welcome to psychedelia and the twisted webs of today's society.
Paint your own empty shadow,
No one else wants it until you join pop
And pop ain't my thing.

Where is home,
Have I not yet lost my soul?

And did you lose all faith
Before you even knew the meaning?

Have you swapped faces
Before you even saw your own?

And does the weight of the ocean
Drag you so far down
That you look up to see the bottom?

Did you ever care at all?

My soul is gone,
False meaning ate the faith,
My vision was distorted before I even knew how to see,
The ocean swallowed me
And no, I do not care to be.

Puzzled by your too sudden disappearance,
I sat in your dim little room
trying to put the pieces together.
Sifting through the past week
trying to find something strange
you had said.
I kept coming up blank.
After sifting though each conversation twice
I dug deeper into the past.
My memory never did let me down.
Deeper.
Deeper
I kept digging and sifting through
the past 3 weeks of conversations.
Then after sitting for hours
on your made-up bed
it hit me.
In each little coversation
of the weeks,
there was a different flicker in your eye.
A change in your voices tone
and a shift in your body language.
You'd been building up to this.
You had planned it
and I didn't realise.
I should've known.

I then noticed your bed was made
and you never made it
unless you weren't coming back...

You
were in the headlines
of every local newspaper
and on the lips
of every local
evening newsman
just the very next day.

Missing teen found dead at the bottom of a cliff.
Family and friends swamped the lookout earlier today.

They say you fell...
But I know you jumped.

I have more than just flames,
Flickering on the tips of my fingers;
Underneath and above the edge of the world
I will dance, similar to the way wind creates wars between the leaves.
A melancholy dawn to new days; and the fear of uncertainty
Rumbles through you, shattering all your teeth.
I will pour you another cup of tea,
From my psychedelic purple cat face teapot containing a stopped clock,
We will sit silently on the brink of disaster
As we always have... and something beneath us will laugh.

Shedding skin,
I am choking in myself
And drowning in the sea of on-lookers, watchers.
Twisting and bending
Just trying to escape, i'm still trapped
And they're closing in on me
Vunerable and small.
I shrink into a microscopic thing
A bug, dust, a thing.
I shrink in my fear
But they're still closing
So I grow. Enormous
Bigger, bigger
Towering over the crowd
From faux confidence
I stumbled on the spinning world
Fell and crushed them all.

Maybe I'm ready for the end of the world
Or maybe I'm just impatient.
Today was supposed to signify a magnitude of things;
Mostly our love.
But the suns dancing overshadows what should've been.
I'm waiting for it to be cold again
To once more reflect unshattering icicles
Replacing my heart.
I'm too tired and you're too far away.
This is a waiting game
And I am losing.

I took you to the edge,
hand in hand
one last time.

It's funny how
the weather always
knew the mood.

There was so much rain,
so much pain.

"I've always wanted to fly..."
You pulled your hand away
I crouched too close to the edge,

"If you jump...
you won't fly.
You'll just be falling."
I've never seen a face
so blank, so indifferent.

"I wouldn't be breaking a trend,
I've been falling,  my whole life."

I stood, wiping hair from your face,
kissed you once
and then grew wings.