But darling,
                    There's no need for such mutilation;
                a heart is lovely but one cannot love
             just a small piece of rythmic flesh
          torn from a person.
       The whole being
    must be loved.

There is no blood to be spilt,
only blood to water roses.

I took you to the edge,
hand in hand
one last time.

It's funny how
the weather always
knew the mood.

There was so much rain,
so much pain.

"I've always wanted to fly..."
You pulled your hand away
I crouched too close to the edge,

"If you jump...
you won't fly.
You'll just be falling."
I've never seen a face
so blank, so indifferent.

"I wouldn't be breaking a trend,
I've been falling,  my whole life."

I stood, wiping hair from your face,
kissed you once
and then grew wings.

A father
Recently met his daughter
For the first time since she was born.
Lack of being in her life left him not at all torn.

Little Annie, is four.
And has never met her daddy before.
He came to visit her,
With her breathtaking eyes and blonde hair
Eye contact sadly seemed rare.
She wouldnt look at him.
So, he asked with a faint grin,
"What's the dolls name, sweetheart?"
Just to begin conversation
And maybe get her attention.
Without looking at her father,
She answered, a little harsher
"I didn't name her.
Just incase she left me, sir,
Like you did.
That way she's easier to forget."

I am wasted and wasting away.
I've been cemented within these walls
Pushing and pulling will-less air
Between pastel fading lungs and,
I stumble to dance awkward words
Off shattering porcelain lips.
To become an ornament is something else.
But to break your own heart with fear
Every waking moment, and every unconscious
Second of your life, is something more;
More difficult, crippling, punishing and bloodless
Than any deep, seeping wound.

You are nothing less than angels,
with stars falling from sky blue eyes,
darling, keep smiling
while they plot ways to **** you at the round table.
What fools these knights are.
my boy, Liquid wisdom drips from your beard,
you have seen so much more than the world
and it drips, drips,
the world weakens and drips
as your spells against ****** attempts fail,
the world drips and you swing,
you are nothing less than angels.

To write your name in my blood,
To bleed such a wonder
Would be an absolute honour.
To have you, entire,
I give you my soul.

The smoke from all the bridges we burnt, 
Pollute and burn our lungs, 
We'll run on empty hearts,
And rotting legs, 
This isn't the worst it could have come to, 
Ashes gather in our hair, 
Heavy winds picked it up, 
It travels with us now, 
Our past, has become us, 
Destruction, our past is destruction
it has become us, 
And now we fall, down rabbit holes, 
Onto rotting corpses, 
Into the arms of forgotten evil, 
Blinded by the smoke of the comforting drugs, 
And we breathe blood. 
This is us. 
We are destruction.

I am done,
You have seen me
Unravel,
Wilt
And shrivel.
No longer a flower
But forever bound to your garden.

I apologise  for peeling your eyes back
And letting them burn as they watch me suffer.
I never meant to be your trigger,
I never meant to pull the trigger
On your fragil stability.

I wish, I wish
You didn't have to watch me die.

I'm done. I'm done.

Today, we spoke properly
for the first time in weeks.
It was the first time
since that ***** came along.
We spoke about
every weekend we'd spent together,
hand in hand
and smiles that matched.
We spoke about our plans
to be rebellious
and break into buildings
that no one else knew of.
We spoke of our silly
childish games we'd play.
You smiled.
I laughed.
And I looked,
in your eyes,
for all those feelings we felt
to come flooding back in.



They never did.

Run away.
Come save me and run away.
Run away, *******!

We could leave this world for a better place
I swear one day, we'll find it.
We'll cut the dying smile from the earth's face
and eat that ******, on our journey.

Look into my eyes,
Run away.
Take my hand and run away with me.
RUN THE **** AWAY!

We're better off dead,
I can't live here without you,
The earth, there's nothing of it left,
Not for us anyway, people here will melt.

We don't need the shackles of their doubt
Their chemical words burn
But I swear we'll make it out
alive, alive and kicking. Tonight we'll run.
Tonight we'll run.
Tonight we'll run away.

I lie on the concrete floor.
My bruised body just an empty shell.
Another round of our fight: I wanted more.
My mind became my own hell.

The nights and days grew colder.
I stayed a fragile shell on the concrete.
Time never freezes: our good memories grew older.
I hid behind your deceit.

Pain stricken
Tear stained
My eyes flickered
Like the candles last flame

Maybe, I
Am on my last flame.
Once again, at the thought, I cry.

I dream,
And awaken
To my screams
Of pain. My hearts been taken.

My tears fall so gently
And my heart beats so softly
While the pain of breathing erodes me so quickly.

Cuts.
Bruises.
Cracked ribs.
Black eyes.
Shattered plates
And empty bottles.

What have you done?
You destroyed me.

Today,

My english teacher,
with blonde curly hair
and the body figure of a stick,

told me,

that I am no good at poetry.

a heated argument then arose,

poetry techniques were
flown everywhere from two
different airports; our mouths,
and because I have the temper
of a four year old,

I hit her.

She was knocked out
and blood dribbled from her nose.

Later,
after she came to,
she apologized,

but I'm still deciding
whether or not
I should let her out
of the classroom
supplies cupboard.

i dreamt of leaving last night
i dreamt of running as far away
as my chubby legs would take me,
I followed winter across the planet
wiping snow flakes off my cheek
and dancing just before dawn
in the **** in the top end of France.
I dreamt of chasing rabbit dreams
down their holes and stumbling.
I dreamt of drowning in smoke
and playing guitar with a cigarette
in my mouth on a street in New York.
I dreamt of taking flowers from a garden
just outside of London,
mischief, i dreamt of that too.
Singing til my lungs were burnt,
and only sleeping when I'd pass out.
I dreamt of all these things,
and everytime I close my damp eyes
you are always there
And I dreamt we chased winter
around the world together.

My trauma dictates that I will never deeply believe that I am enough for the people I love.

My fear of failure isn’t a perfectionist, drive to succeed.
It’s a smothering fear that I have done you wrong.

And I’m not sure if I’ve abandoned all self worth,
because it’s never made the ones I love love me more when I feel worthy.
Or if it’s been stolen, burnt, or smashed a million times over
and I’ve been stuck in a groundhog day loop,
Shuffling all the pieces into a dust pan with my hands.  

What I’m trying to say is,
I can rebuild,
I can cut, rejoin, fade the scars away.
I can sit myself on the tallest tower,
Call myself a giant, the bigger person.

But I will never, never regain these segments of self worth when in 25 years a handful of people have continuously robbed me of them.
When something like that is missing, it must be substituted.
I need reminders… I am enough.

Black and white is a comfort,
a run away; abandonment
and maybe i'm just used to it.
Strangely composed colours written together
as if black and white is a religion
and we all praise it,
like someones ever changing word
from 400 years ago called
God.

Black and white is simple
and finding simplicity in anything
is scarce in this torture of colour
we inhabit today
and i remember my earliest dream
it was all black and white,
still in the comfort of a womb
and i expected to see an ocean of black
and white when i emerged
but was wrongfully betrayed by reality
and i still am today.

i dont even look pretty in black and white.

shine your light my way,
and the winds will dance
with us on their strings,
we are the earths puppets,
we'll spin again.

I never want to leave your side
but my hands are tied,
my hands are tied,
your heart screams blind.

You don't love me anymore.

Have you ever spoken to the moon?
I wonder how many secrets its craters hold.
I wonder if the secrets are what give it it's beauty.
I ask you, does your soul wander when you look up to the night sky,
Then get lost between the moon rocks?
Do you see yourself reflecting back?
Or the man on the moon watching, observing and protecting you?
Is it a refreshing feeling knowing you are insignificant
Against a giant porcelain beauty?
Does the coolness of the moons beams fill you,
And give you new hope in a home long destroyed?
Can you find peace within the moon?
Can you find peace within me?
Close your eyes, search deeper in your veins.
You'll find beauty, peace and happiness soon enough.

Merry-go-round?
No.
Merry-go-****-yourself.
It wasn’t a pleasant belly laugh joy ride
Like a 4 year old smiling on a rotating plastic pony.
It was a ******* wood chipper.
And you slowly fed me through.
A ******* whirlwind.
Where you pushed me in, limb by limb.
And I swear, before my head got forced in,
I swear for a second I saw you finally smile.
I could describe it like a horror movie villain,
Like some mythical demon,
But you were so much more terrifying.

Though, I fear you forgot how strong I am.
You were quick to believe you had me deep under your spells.
I don’t stay broken for long,
I reform stronger.

I’m not scared of you anymore,
So if you’re like Stephen king’s clown;
He who floats in the sewers,
You can no longer thrive and survive off my fear.
It’s dissipated.
Without a lifeline now, and soon you will die.

Come with me,
And I'll show what it's like
To have a heart
That beats out of beat.
We'll walk through
That ******* fog
That feels like
I'm swimming through
Blood.
(It's thicker than water)
It gets so hard to breathe
Somedays, everyday.
We'll stumble
Around that forest
Of trees made up
Of lies, planted by my mind.
I'll paint for you
Horrific pictures of death
And wishes of death
With tears on my paintbrush.
I'll sing for you
With ***** in my mouth
Because my heart
That beats out of beat
Makes me sick.
And even if I did
Drag you through all this,
Even if I did
Pull you through the mud
Surrounding my heart
You'd still never understand
A thing.

Behold!
The Ugly world!

Come on now, kids.
Open your eyes,
Open your windows.

Everything here can
and will **** you.

Every breathing, talking
human being will judge you.

You'll fall victim
to sins that religions fail
to take from you.

You'll be a ******
and grow up to be a *****.

Darknesses will come and go
You'll fall down rabbit holes
but you'll never disappear.

Every thing is possible
in this ugly place,
or so they say,
everything is possible
except escape.

Breathe in now, kids,
absorb the vile smokes,
toxins and dust,
these will **** you too.

Here, is the land
of "freedom";
it's a lie.

Take a gun,
swallow the smoke,
and brace yourself to fight,
fight against governments,
laws, lies, religions and yourself.

Go on now, children.
Go fight.
Have fun. :)

Lie, lie, lie, lie straight to my face
And tear out my heart
It pulsates in your hand
But it's black, black and dying
Look at what you've done!

Lie, lie, lie, kiss me and lie with your lips
My love spills out from my mouth
You drink it,
It tastes so foul! Spit it!
Spit it out behind closed doors
Where I can't see
And lie, lie, lie to me.

Say it. Say the putrid words
I long to hear
Say you love me with no meaning
It's all I want,
I swear.
I just wish to dissolve in your lies
Liar, lie, lie, lie to me.

Plastic hearts always melt first in a fire
And darling, I guess that means you're dead.
Ghouls and zombies,
Precious creatures, especially you.
Lie, lie, lie to me liar,
And tell me you're alive.

Give me your heart,
I'll treat it well,
I promise.
I'll stab a ******* knife
Right through it.
That's all you deserve
You precious, precious liar.

drink to your teeth and sweat,
i'll drink to the bruises you built
pray to the flesh you tore
cigarette ashes settle on your eyes
You'll drown, you'll drown
this is your demise.

burns stay
and not all scars are my own.
every droplet of wine
spat in my face,
every knuckle
that broke a bone.
you let him leave.

but i made you watch,
i made you watch me walk away.

I'd give you everything,
but I can't tear this heart from my chest
and put it in a shoebox
tied with pretty ribbons and bows,
the cardboard would dampen
with tears and warm blood,
it would collapse and tear.

I would give you my heart,
But I can't give you second hand goods.

I'm just the **** up
that you didn't expect
and oh, hell, i'd love to escape.
Conforming will eat my head off
injections of rebellion.
Smell the dead roses
and numb yourself
with immeasurable time.
Dance dance till your knees give in,
drink drink drink
til you're overflowing
with the devils brew...
scream obscenities at the lights
hold your breath
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
spin spin spin
...
collapse
...
now breathe.

Hey, baby, you're lookin' a little ill
how's the taste of poison on your lips?
You drank it off mine.

Hey, baby, you're lookin' a little pale
what's it like lookin' up at the world
from the ground?
I promised myself I'd knock you down.
Premeditated destruction
of the only one I've never loved.

Here, baby, take this pill
and leave it on your beautiful tongue
don't swallow, don't bite. Not yet.
Pretend it's that pathetic disc
you get from church every sunday.
The Lord has come personally
this time just to see you suffer.

Baby, this could be a Hollywood blockbuster.

I'd warn you with lights and sirens
but I don't think you should know
about the blade in the tablet I gave you.

Poison mixes with your blood too well.

It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...

I want to die


Or...


At the very least hurt myself severely.

And I am ashamed.
Terrified.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.

Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.

‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.

"I've seen you trace the straight lines on your wrists,

There's such precision; it makes me sick.

To waste such elegant canvas',

With the use of ****** lines...

It doesn't make sense.

How?        Why?

What compells you, sweetheart,

To do such a thing?

There was never any beauty

Behind geometrical lines."

The demons keep chanting.
Drawing you to them,
Closer with every song.
Their magnetic pull is too strong for you.
Before long
They'll consume you
And we'll laugh at your misfortune.
Like the soulless creatures humans are.

My life is like quicksand,
I continuously sink slowly,
Kick and drag myself up high enough just to gulp at air.
Then follows the slow descent.
I'm unsure of what's at the bottom
But my toes have tickled it a few times
Then the beast bellows and laughs,
Sending tsunami waves through the sand;
I roll like a ship about to be taken under by fierce swell.

Sometimes I think the quicksand is encased in my skull...
Sometimes I think the depths of the quicksand settle on the top of my spinal cord.
Sometimes I think I'm numb from the corrosive vibrations of the sludgy water-sand mix:
Jamming my nervous system, rusting it over.

But then the memory of pressure of your hand around my neck
Makes me forget the metaphor of the sand
And the make-believe depression.
And the blood in my nose, that drips and drys and repeats itself daily
Exists because you forced my head against the wall so many times.
Razors are not a comfort they are a fear and I still cough them up from my lungs.

I realise you are not terrifying
I realise that you do not own my life
You do not decide that I am real or fake or suffering.
I realise that you are only a scar
That I am slathering oils and remedies over
In order to make the red fade.
I realise that I am so *******
H A P P Y

One year on;
And I have overcome your disease,
Dislodged your putrid fangs,
Rebuilt myself,
Healed, cured myself...
Found a real person
Who knows how to love me
And teach me to love me.

The worst part is,
I would actually do it.
I'd take the gun,
Just like she did,
And shoot myself
If I was given the chance.
I've always been uncertain
Of my future.
My minds always changing.
Anyone who knows me,
Would've known that.
No one knows me.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of change.
I'm scared of the future
And how I'll get from here
To there.
I'm scared of this world.
And I'm scared of me.

I had never thought about little things until now, until I had become displaced and detached. Little things like the scratch of grass against bare feet and the little crunch noise that undoubtedly breaks the blades of grass... But natures green carpet always bounces back immediately. Perhaps the noise of tree branches, being tangled, tortured and embraced by strong southerly winds in the middle of a steaming hot summer, should have held more importance to me back home. The art of appreciation and great-fullness  is so easily lost amongst the concepts of time, greed and the incomprehensible human need to succeed.

october mornings
in a cafe in france
early morning tea
sitting on the street as
the early morning mist
kisses our feet.

Light me up,

and i'll feed these

         corrupt lungs

            with a dead flame.

you know what love is

but you're a devil heart,

that will never share

secrets of a heartbeat.

and I know that look

in your eyes,

already planning ways

to tear out my heart

to taste the pulsing flesh.

A knife in my throat bleeding out the demons
Oh the mess I've made, oh hush don't scream
It's not painful, don't be scared for me
Is the colour of the blood not fascinating?
As the tiles drown in this liquid
It seems stupid, but oh the happiness thats filled me now,
Escape, escape, escape, that's all I want from this, escape,
Don't hide! Oh please don't run away,
I need you to watch this, the colours, the screams, the blood
I need you to see me set free!
Please stay to watch me levitate.

It gets dark here sometimes,
Like the curtains have fallen on the last act,
seats empty and lights dim.

It gets dark here sometimes,
Like the last of a hundred candles
Has melted away to a mere puddle of wax.

It gets dark here sometimes,
Like the fog too heavy, blinding street lights
And late night walkers.

It gets dangerous here sometimes too,
Like standing in a violent protest march
As a kid from the 60's.

It gets dark and dangerous here,
I guess they call it 'Night'.

"I'll never let any evil mother ******* take you from me."*
Your arms like chains, I don't know if they're choking me
or if I'm just scared again, your eyes smother me,
but you taste so sweet, you can't love what is dangerous
and that is me, I break things and make people bleed
for all the wrong reasons, selfish reasons I don't understand,
but hey, take my hand and lead me to the watering hole
I'm nothing but a fragile ticking time bomb
waiting to explode in your arms,
I can't make another man die.
The rope you've been swinging from all your life
has held out brilliantly, 'til this little ***** walked in
and you can't see it yet, but there's an evil glimmer in my eye
and I suppose I am the evil thing trying to take me from you.
baby, I'll just **** you in more ways than you ever thought.