Here it is
the poem on survival, the one you've all been waiting for
where I learned to untie the noose from my smile,
my smile from the trigger warning.
Here's your trigger warning:

I shivered when you kissed me.
I had a hard time believing my heartbeat was a good thing; had a hard time
believing the front door was still an option.
I wake up some days and remember when I used to sing bruises onto my skin,
fill up large towels with my blood,
watch it go black,
watch everything go black.
Still remained smiling;
still stood with the scars; with the ink between my teeth baring
a warning sign for whoever comes next,
for whoever wants my body without wanting my mind.
here it is
here is how i survived:

I hurt myself

I still do it just doesn't show
the scarring.
here it is baby boy come inside its about to get ugly,
you're about to see me cry,
you're about to see me shake,
you're about to find out what im really made of,
I'm about to find out if you break.

are you scared yet
this is a challenge you never step down from,
you brave boy!
you with your sword and white horse;
shining at the darkness inside of me; shining at the stench inside me ; come here,
make me feel whole.

Right now, it's unclear
how to feel about this latest development
between us
because
at any moment you're libel
to switch gears in your speedster train of thought
on to new electric spark tracks
of ecstatic playtime poetry frivolity
or serene raindrop contemplation
and, while the exciting allure of spontaneity isn't lost on me,
it can be a bit confusing
in terms of how one should express themselves around you
and how much of your baggage they're willing to cary
in addition to their own on any given day.  

I'm not mad at you,
just confused and worn out.
But I suppose it's hard to find solid ground
on digital windows and words.

Newborn lungs of lush green pasture
All the pain
Birds of prey; laughter
Little song torrential rain
handful

Of horses mane
Impossibly tamed
*******

Melodies
As wasps they sting
Remember?

The music plays
In dripping caves
Forever

Insecure
I'd shut my mouth
Then I could kiss
And watch you breathe
As golden seas
Endeavor

Wasting
Expensive rush
Tap your watch
Smile


A king of rats
A rat of kings
Jester
Hear me play
In this way
Wonder

Home at last
Cut down the mast
For fire

This moonlight beach
No man may reach
This sky of blue
It tastes of you
But sadder

you cant hide a lemon
in the limelight
cant swap the fore
for the hindsight
cant choose to ignore
what is right there before you
without blaming the outcome
on your lack of insight

i'm tired of the feedback in my ears
and the low, settled silt in my abdomen.
i'm tired of staring at the little box on the screen that you try to communicate with
and i am so ******* tired of hearing you cry.