******* nothing threatening to draw me close
hold me like the *** freak in his chest did
stroking my hair and cooing in my ear
dripping words as he puts his hand between my legs

ringed fingers gripping my neck
shoving away my frightened fingers
trying to break free
on the couch
he ruined my favorite movie as a child
taking my body from my control as it played in the background
a sick contrast

jesus reminding me what i am losing
in my mistakes
as i cling to the cross they crucify me on
the man that forces himself on me
a much bigger
more tangible one
than the god that told my father
it was okay
for him to come
stay

The past: the only thing
that cannot be rewritten
etched into timeline like
tattoos on skin.
Speaking of yesterday in clipped tones
hazed-over pupils
indulging in depressants
to stop the head rush.
We are habitual creatures,
though more than not the habit fades
walks away on legs that
creak with boredom
the sounds, we ignore them
knowing, they too will go away.

"do you have chemistry?"

like we walk into the same room and start to fizzle
like we react together in a complimentary manner
like he could actually pass highschool chemistry.

does it matter?
does it matter if i have nothing to say to him
does it matter that of all people i can't think of a single topic to broach
a silly sentence to embark upon
a single thought
doesn't occur to me.

the stretches of silence are longer than the last one.
with the last, we talked too much.
every silence ached.
with this one, i am glad to not have to talk.
i am glad of the quiet.
i am glad of the lack of chemistry.

he asked me
what i liked most about him
and i thought for a whole afternoon.
the only thing that came to mind was that i liked him because he liked me...
am i that poor?
have i not the self-worth to turn them away when they beg at my feet
why do they beg
anyway
what have i
to offer
i am fat
and very
very
tired
and
afraid...

i used to really like chemistry.
but now i don't see its merit
too many things to memorize
and my memory is **** these days
his brown eyes
slipping out quietly
as i imagine him swelling bigger and bigger -
a grotesque image to smooth out the beautiful ones
that i know were there.

we don't have chemistry,
but we have animal attraction.
perhaps it is something (better) similar.

Remember disappearing, feeling smaller than I should
Suppressed my good intentions in the dark because I could
And when I looked inside at all the emptiness I kept
I fell apart completely, watched my being as it wept
But somewhere in the nothingness my face had reappeared
Began to change the present to a past I once revered
With all of my distractions having walked the other way
I opened up my heavy eyes to greet another day
I'm here to be a part of everything that can be seen
But that is only half of what the morning is to me
Wherever there is vision there is also something more
An eye around the sun you couldn't possibly ignore

i exist many– a feeling

a being
a way
a path
a love
I am not just perfect golden child material.
My sustenance is born of so much more
My selfishness,
my pride,
these
sinful vanities give me motion and are within me something I must love
not fear
send me my love
send me my love send me my love
send me my love
and let my flower bloom still where the light is not
deep down dank hate is rotting away
and I say nay,
I say nay, I still bloom there , even though my mother  told me it wasn’t ok, for 19 years!
Forget her , she’s learning still,
Nay ! I am still beautiful, crown woven dark and bright,
yellow and pink , brown and orange
Dance and sing
Flush out the rest
No more , no more , no more hate
Festering festering
Festering.