Lydia Samantha

Dec 2014

Anoushka Jain

Fandoms

Hermione taught me,
Never dumb down.
Prim whispered,
It's Okay to fall down.
Ginny smiled,
Don't stop loving, He'll come around.

Katniss screamed,
Seize the fire.
The doctor whispered,
Rose Tyler-

Haymitch scorned,
The people need to be raised!
Snape replied,
Always.

Okay, so we conflict.
Our thoughts fight.
But whichever fandom we follow,
As a fangirl, we unite.

Books have been the reason of many people's survival, today. So, as a fangirl, here's a tribute to books.

#love #books #fangirls

Lydia Samantha Sep 2014

Flicker

Hope is a terrible, awful thing to have someone give you.
Hope has this magnificent power to take you so high without any concrete foundation.
To make you see so far
With so little light.
You took my vulnerability.
The feelings I had for you.
Everyone else ran away.
But you stayed.
You didn't just stay.
You lit the tiniest flame of hope that you might return those feelings.
And in a room
As dark
As desperate
As mine.
It lit up every corner.
And I found that as
scary
as that room looked
All lit up
I kind of
Liked
Being able to see everything.
But the flame wasn't attached to a candle
Or a lantern
Or anything like that.
It was a tiny
Little match
Held in between
My fingers.
I asked you if we could light a candle
So I could drop the match.
It wasn't a great candle.
Simply wax.
But it had a wick that would have prevented me from burning
My fingers.
I figured after I lit the candle we could find something better
Brighter
Nicer
To light later.
To help us find a better way of carrying that flame.
You took a look at the candle and said the candle had a lot of things you wanted a candle to have.
But.
You weren't planning on lighting any candles.
Suddenly that bright little flame
That had lit up the entire room
Looked a lot smaller
It wasn't really all that bright.
As the flame got
Closer and
Closer
To my fingers
It got
Smaller and
Smaller and
Smaller and
I should have dropped it.
But I let it burn my fingers
And the saddest part is
I was legitimately
Content
In my dark little room.
I didn't need you to come in with a flame
You weren't willing to let burn
On its own.
Light has a nasty
Little habit
Of lighting up a dark room and leaving the room a **** ton darker
In its absence.
I'd rather my room had stayed
Exactly
The
Way
It
Was
Than to get a look at all the corners
And end
With burned fingers
In
A
Vastly
Darker
Room.

#fire #hope #loss #relationships #burn

Lydia Samantha Feb 2014

Third Identity

What makes a life worth living?
I've asked myself since that
day
unnamed
squashed
into a box
in the back of my head
What give you a right to be here
the voices
all echo
as the videos
play
repeat
bright
scenes
flashing
scarring
playing
on the back
of my eyelids
scenes of a three year old
thrown
beaten
stomped
rejected
abused
a four year old
neglected
beaten
ignored
a five year old
change of identity
facing issues
some go their whole lives without seeing
five years old
new mom
dad
family
name
hope
a six year old
loved
encouraged
touched
you heard me
touched
and not the kind of touch that
is
acceptable
okay
allowed
do no tell
he said
or you will get it
I never knew what he meant by get it
until I told and he made me
do more
see more
feel more
Does this make you uncomfortable?
These words flowing from my pen
to my mouth
These are the scenes
Reverberating in my skull
and the skulls of others like me
These
Are
The
Demons
I
Live
With
6 years
7 years
8 years
Ages one would look back on
and remember the good times
I look at the pictures
see all the smiles
I see behind them
they mean nothing to me
9 years old
I have spoken
My brother is gone
and I feel more
alone
rejected
destroyed
from
the
inside
out
And for the next few years
I knew of no
person
power
or anything
Nothing that could make me
feel
understand
accept
worthiness
love
hope
dreams
These are all foreign concepts.
Have you lived without these?
Without
hope
love
dreams
Neither have I.
For I caught a glimpse
I chose to die instead of living that shell.
And as those pills
screamed
yelled
taunted
insulted
My
Very
Existence
As I struggled to swallow
He reached into my heart
and He said to me
Child? You spit that out
And you tell me
Why?
Why is your faith so fake?
And I did.
And with those pills
I spit fire
Into the face of God
As I lamented my very
Existence
And He sat there
As the words piled
into
Mountains
As tall and vast
As oceans are deep
And he sat there
Silent
As I rained
Tears
And opened wounds
And as my breath
Heaved
As these mountains
Stood between us
I turned from him
And let him look at what
I lived with
A mustard seed of faith
Will move mountains they say
But what if faith created those mountains I ask?
Faith in a mother
Who stomped on me
Faith in father
Who rejected me
Faith in a family
Who neglected me
Faith in a brother
Who touched me
Child
He said as I cringed
I do not like this word and the memories it holds
Child
He repeats
The word floating from his lips.
What will you do to make me believe?
I ask as He begins to shake his head
Sadly he states
Child, I cannot MAKE you believe
He is everything and nothing in this moment
He is sad
He is powerful
He is perfect
He is loving
He is gentle
He is caring
He is untainted
He is loving
He is important
And he is here with me
imperfect
broken
rejected
And the words are at the tip of my tongue
And everything in me want to stop them
But I ignore the warnings
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
ME
I whisper quietly
the
grave
severity
of my words
hangs heavy
in the air
as he nods
and with an unmatched force
the mountains erupt into volcanoes
and I am set free from what lies between us
With each
loving word
affirming embrace
the mountains
are crumbling
the power of words
diminished
And I come alive in the light of HIS grace
As a part of me dies
so He may
Give
Me
Life
Sometimes to stay alive
You've got to ****
All semblance
Of your reality
And look only to His
I died when I was 14
And I've died every day since then
As I wake up each morning
and
**** the part of me that deems me
unworthy
unnecessary
The part that tells me
I am not good enough
Pretty enough
Talented enough
To be loved
Because I know He loves
ME
And I am free
From the hurt
From the pain
From the guilt
From the burden
For so long
My questions are answered
My everything is His
and regardless of
hurt
heartbreak
rejection
loss
of the past
present
future
I have found the one my soul love.
He is my beloved
I am His.
I belong to Him
He has given me this
3rd identity
rooted
in Him
and His love
and this smile on my face will
NOT
be erased
And this love in my heart
will not be
diminished
Even though
I freely give
I have come alive in His Light
And if you think
I
Am
Too
Bright
Cover your eyes
Because I will not be
extinguished
Rather I will set
the world ablaze
with the fire I spit
in His face
That he made new
and poured
back
into
me.
I have been broken.
I have been beaten.
I have been rejected
I have been abandoned
But
I
Am
Light
I am hope
I am love
I am full of dreams
The way He intended me to be
What makes a life worth living?
The question remains in the back of heads
Across nations
Across worlds
Across histories
And the answer lies in an identity given to me by
The King of Kings
The King of Glory
The God of Creation
The God of the Israelites
The Father of the Most High
The Alpha
The Omega
Beginning
End
I call him father
I call him friend
I call him savior
And his name is
*Jesus Christ

Lydia Samantha Jan 2014

2 Weeks, 2 Days

Thoughts
The destructive kind
Invade
Attack
Destroy
All semblance of sanity inside my head
Excuses
Seem ludicrous
Unacceptable
Thoughts tell me
It’s all my fault
I’m too much
Too handle
Too emotional
That I’m not worth it
Agonizing
Because I know it’s not true
2 weeks is nothing
2 days is so long
Black blank screen
Annoying
I just want it to ******* vibrate already
I want my phone to light up with his name
Saying anything
A response
A dismissal
Anything
I just want to know.
I want to know whether I should
Keep hoping
Texting
Worrying
Thinking
Or stop
Caring
Investing
Start getting over him.
Because I hate this waiting period
Where I’m torn between logical reasons
And extravagant excuses
I want to know if I should blame myself
Or him
Or anyone for that matter
2 weeks is nothing
2 days is so long.

Recently Discovered
Written
26 December 2011

Lydia Samantha Dec 2013

Confessions of a Best Friend

Awkward silences
Fill the empty void
Inside
Where I kept you
And all the things
Created
Thoughts,
Images
Dreams
Released
Into open air
For everyone to
See
Tainted images
This is the here and now
This is the future
This is what you
Knew but never
Wanted it to be
This is silence
This is internal
Processing
This is the loss
Of dreams dreamt
For days
This is everything
Gone
Opened
To the air
And now I sit
In this silence
Knowing what
I have to say
Is not enough
And far too much
This is the curse
Of the dreams born out of
A fruitless existence
In my head and
All I can do is
Let the tears stream down
My face as
The silence
Swallows us whole
Like death swallows the
Happiness
That once was had
My dreams lie shattered
After I beat
Them with a hammer and
Exposed them
For you to see
And now you process
To fix
I process
To destroy
As tears stream
And awkwardness abounds
And we move into
Territory that is
Unwanted
Unfamiliar
And I'm so much
Less happy
Then I was
Before because
I can't convey
All these things
Cramping my fingers
Flooding my brain
Becoming unreadable scribbles
On advent devotions
You have left
And I'm still here
The air is heavy
My tears are hot
As I
Fear for the known
Hope for the unknown

Lydia Samantha Oct 2013

monotony

Thinkthinkthink
The bad thinks and the good thinks
Mistake thinks
Miracle thinks
Thinkthinkthink
Until I overthink
Of all the thinks I can think
And all the thinks I have not
Thinkthinkthink
Until the thinks in my brain turn sour
And the thinks in my brain turn vindictive
Until I want to **** the thinks I’ve been thinking so long
monotony

Lydia Samantha Jul 2013

Ironing

I still catch my breath
everytime I feel that
hot
searing
burst
on my skin
causing it to
pucker
blister
redden
it appears
melted
stretched taunt
forced to do something
it never wanted to do
and because it succumbed
I'm left with the this ever present
sharp
localized
tiny
focal point
of pain.
And it reminds me of you.