I'M stuck between "i really want to talk to you" vs "I really need to get over you."

Im scared of what could be
If i could open up to let you see
How you truly you affect me
Most importantly im afraid to love again
What pain it brings after its all said and done

You said my pain was so poetic,
And I was cutting myself to the bone,
Squeezing the blood on the pages so you could hear me,
Nothing about my suffering is poetic,
Screaming into my sheets and trying to claw memories out of my chest,
Burning myself and forcing me to remember things I’d rather forget,
Breaking down crying and begging to be laid to rest,
You called me a beautiful tragedy,
But I believe you can only have beauty,
Or tragedy,
And I am the latter.

I used to think my drug addiction was the lowest point in my life
Which ended up sending  me into an
Amphetamine induced psychosis and putting me into the hospital.
Ive come to realize my lowest point was loving you and the hell i let you put me through and thinking i could help fix you.