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  Jun 2014 Sam Kirk
Chalsey Wilder
Don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge the marks or scars on my skin
Don't judge the look in my eyes as you spit the words of sin
Don't sear your judgements in my brain
Yeah ok, you think I'm insane
I hope you know that this inner pain does it
The pain you cause and from many others
So don't judge the tears that stream down my face
Sad angels cry the most
An angel as sad as I deserves to let these tears fall
So don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge it at all
Don't say I'm mental and insane
You don't know what has happened to me or what I've been through
So don't judge my outer shell
Till you've looked within me
Maybe then you'd see why I'm like this
Maybe then this will shatter your killing spree
Don't judge anyone's outer shell. I am trying not to myself.
Sam Kirk Jun 2014
I think back to last summer when everything seemed okay,
but just under the surface, everything wasn't.
I wasn't truly happy with anything.
I'd stay out of the house till 3 a.m. with the boys,
getting high and pretending I was an explorer.
I lost so many people that summer, but still had the boys,
we'd get high every night
so high it was like we were forever stuck in the clouds.
I got addicted to nicotine that summer, the bitter taste of sadness in my mouth and reminders of everything bad.
I turned to getting high and nicotine instead of self harm and thought everything would be better.
But I was wrong.
I wanted a cigarette again and again and again.
I wanted to be high again and again and again.
I was still harming myself all over again,
I didn't care and neither did the boys as long as I was chilling with them it didn't matter about our health.
And I think that's why I got so lost last summer,
because I found friends that didn't care,
I didn't care.
  Jun 2014 Sam Kirk
r0b0t
we're almost home
I can taste it
the fumes and the fire and the rags soaked with gasoline
and I can hear the streetlight hum
burning the ghost of a last cigarette
and I can hear the coffee
plink
plop
in your coffeepot
a far-off howl
and a mother lost her son
with the needle
and thread
and the system is gone
and I solve my problems like a monster would
with matches
but these scissors
feel heavy
and I dissected my brain
found what left of my sanity
and I ate it with a scowl
burning bright into the day
and the philosophies of ages past
wise men
and a single lunatic
breaking me
softly crashing animals into my head
and I bit at the fist
and frothed at the mouth
the other day
and it croaked at me
scorching my brain
eating at my health
I fear I am losing my mind, lover
I cannot remember the last time I cried
or that I ate
all I feel is a mechanical
clickclack
like I am clockwork
and I don't know how to feed
this need
inside me
I hurt my head today
a soft noise
No matter
I smell oranges
as I lose myself
in my work
and I stitch up the seams
the acrid taste of a cigarette on my teeth
a layer of smoke and wind
and this mask smells like I imagine she would
and that ends it
and I couldn't move on
paralyzed with a shrug
and my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
my mouth tastes of kerosene
the blood in my house
surrounding the bricks in my mouth
breaking through the store
and I ache
and my stomach is sick
and my mouth
oh, god
what have I done
I ate her sanity
and I broke his back
with the symbol
of red
my only regret
you must think I'm mad
but no!
I am better than that
a ghost
long gone
leaving
only kerosene
in my wake
rock the back
with the squeal of tires
I must escape
Thunk!
of a heart dying beneath my floorboards
drying slowly
like a bubbly sea
amid a soft drink
there is a cafe down the street
and I think may
order some coffee
two scoops of sugar
two tablespoons of milk
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red
why is my coffee red?
why is my coffee red
what i have done
cannot be forgiven, lover
wash it off in the sink
my god
they see me
they see me
****
they see me
I regret
nothing
everything
I am nothing
I had a friend over today
to show how normal I am
that i am okay
and I am alive
and we spoke
we drank wine, we ate a fine meal
It was a party
and soon i came to realize
they knew!
He knew! He saw the blood
and I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my hand
and why are they still ******
and he found out
he mocked me
sat there in a chair
and pretended it was all normal
until I ached
and burned
and soon
oh, god
what have I done now
his sanity
it's gone
i ate it
He is sad now
I see him
and he is sad
I taste his tears
they taste of salt and crackers
and I knelt
and I sat down
and finished my meal
would a lunatic do that? Would he finish his dinner with his guest?
No, lover.
No, lover.
The voices returned today.
They told me I was worthless
perhaps they are right
and perhaps
there is a bridge not far from here.
Could the water wash away the blood?
yes.
Yes, lover,
it could.
This is early work. Can't judge me for such early work, now can you?
Sam Kirk Jun 2014
When I think about our future,
I think about lounging on the couch, Sunday afternoon,
watching our favorite t.v. show and eating pizza hut in our underwear; because we were too lazy to cook dinner and we like being comfy.
I think about playing hide-n-seek, tag, and many other childish games because deep down we'll never truly grow up.
I think about having our own privacy,
exploring each others bodies like they're undiscovered art at the bottom of the ocean.
I think about having to wake up early for work,
how we'd kiss goodbye and say "I love you."
(we'd always say "I love you." too much)
I think about how I'd always call during lunch breaks,
and if you happened to not answer I'd leave a voicemail just so you could hear my voice and know I was thinking of you.
I think about getting home late, running through the front door and yelling "Honey, I'm home!" at the top of my lungs; being showered in kisses and being carried to bed.
I think about how I'd make up silly rules like "No clothes allowed!"
how you'd just laugh at me for being such a dork,
but you'd still follow the rule.
You'd strip down to nothing then pick me up and carry me to our bedroom and take my clothes off of me,
laughing when you fumbled with my bra strap and me laughing along as I helped you.
I think about how after making love we'd just lay there together and sleep.
Two messes all tangled up in bed sheets.
I think about how some nights we'll keep each other up late at night,
talking for hours about anything and everything.
I think about how we'll treat each other like we're a king and a queen living in a castle for all eternity.
I think about how we'll fight- not a lot, but believe me we will.
Though of course, with a fight, will always come a make-up.
And boy, will we make-up.
We'll cry and hold each other no matter how tough life gets.
We're invincible, me and you.
Sam Kirk Jun 2014
The sun is out today.
Do you remember the day I ran around outside with joy?
The smile I had on my face?
My uncontrollable laughter?
The way I kissed your cheek and asked "isn't today lovely?"

You just nodded and I could tell that you were uninterested.
I asked you what you would like to do,
but you just shrugged...

You seemed a million miles away from me and I remember just sitting down next to you,
trying to figure out where you were...

The next day you disappeared,
the sun didn't shine,
it rained all day,
I didn't know what to do.

How could you leave me?
Why didn't you tell me you felt so wrong inside?
Why didn't you let me help?

I'm so sorry...

It's been a year now,
I'm still having trouble coping,
you left me,
now I'm going to leave too..
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