I had to physically and
Emotionally rip myself away from you.

I knew you were trouble
In the back of my mind

The first time I said I love you too
You kept on walking
And didn't stop.

The last time I said I love you too...
I can't even remember it.

I remember forcing myself
To date someone else
To stay away from you.

I remember you holding me
A week later as I cried
For the death of our love.

You sat there and I almost kissed you.
Our lips were touching.
But they never puckered.

I could feel her all over you.
It made me sick to my stomach
For months.

I'd get weak, hate my rebound.
Text you.
I don't think you ever knew
How much I needed you.

How much I wasn't over you.

Which is okay. Your rebound
Turned out to be the love of
Your life and your gateway drug.

Have fun dreaming of a better life
And forgetting about anything
Once your mouth connects with
A **** pipe,

You ***** lying selfish *****.

I hate the way I write.
The way I smile and laugh.
I hate my arms.
I hate my legs.

I think about tracing
My stretch marks with a razor
Because I'd rather have scars
Than stretch marks.

I think about scrubbing my back
Until it bleeds and my skin
Is down to its last layer.

I think about not eating
Until my stomach is
So empty all the air in it
Is what keeps me standing.

I think about the new me I could
Invent
With a more alluring look
And sure walk.

When I look in the mirror
All I see is fatfatfatfatfat.
Spilling over my jeans.
Resting on my thighs
When I sit.
Sitting underneath my chin
When I smile.

My upper arms are full of fat.
My shoulders as well.
I'm hunched over.

Crouching.

Embarrassed.

(K- if you are reading this, I'd suggest stopping.)


I remember being with Mykayla and just feeling happy. Her laugh made me laugh. Her tears made me cry. Her skin was my skin. I know I talk about the bad times a lot, but 80% of our relationship was blissfully good. She was family. She could've been the one. She was my first, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my last. We got so comfortable in our relation ship. It was like we were married. Our bond was so strong. We'd **** burp *** and **** in front of each other. We'd yell and fight and cry and fall asleep together all the same. No matter how bad it got, I knew it'd be worse once me and M broke up.

I was so sure of her and I.

Just like I'm so sure of you and I.

I'm not comparing you two, because I love you so **** much. You are worth more than a million billion trillion quadrillion mykaylas.

I can't afford to lose you. I need you so much it hurts. Please remember this. I cant lose you. If I do? I'm ******.

I feel like I belong with you.

And I hope you feel the same way.

Because if I felt that lost with a girl who
Soon got addicted to **** and failed
High school,
I cannot imagine how lost I will be when I lose my blond haired blue eyed girl.

I'm gonna be one sad girl if this ever ends.

When we were 12
I got my first pair of shorter shorts
When I went over to your house
I wasn't allowed to wear them
Unless it was to sleep

You were always jealous.
I was rail thin.
You were chubby,
But had less ***** than me.

I had no responsibities
You had school soccer
Volleyball summer jobs
And raising your three
Other siblings.

Soon you quit eating
And thinned out until
Your ribs peeked out
We sat on the bus
I showed you my scars on my arms
And you whispered
"I put a knife to my stomach
But was too scared to push in"

Then we were juniors
You gave blow jobs to
Your ****** boyfriend
While I slept.

Your blonde hair and blue eyes
Looked so innocent it hurt.

You lost your virginity.
Fell out of love.
You talked about going to
Arizona for College.
That I should go with you.
By now I was failing half my classes
And going to parties on the weekends.

You met other boys
Slept with one who broke your heart
And ran back to your
First love.
He willingly took you.

Then we were seniors.
You complained about him.
About how small his **** was.
How he treated you.
How selfish he was.
How he's a super senior that'll
Be twenty one next year.
He's a baker at Carr's.
I think you secretly hate him.

You say no more to Arizona.
You say yes to
University of Anchorage Alaska.
Its an hour drive away.
You say you're spending
Your college years living
With your grandma instead of
Living on campus.

Your parents dig themselves
Into you and live through
You. Your perfection.

You are a settler.
And I feel you'll be that way
Your entire life.

I miss screaming and fighting
And kissing in the rain,
Its two am and I'm cursing your name,
I'm so in love that I
Act insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Were breaking down and coming undone
Its a rollercoaster
Kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel
That much
And that's the way I loved you.

I know how you feel.
I know what you feel.

The front you put on is the biggest
Crime you could ever commit.

Your makeup, clothes, and hair
Hide your cracks.

Your laugh,
Your forever immaturity.

Your 'forever young
Wild and free.'

I see through it.
I see through every hook up
You have
A week long noncommittal
Relationship.
Every other week.
Every other ****.

You say "you know
I'm not usually like this"
You say "it's only a
One time thing"

But how many people
Can be a one time thing

Until it just piles up into a
Blur
Of one night stands?

Until people realize
You don't have a dad
-Not a real one.

Until they see what holds
You together is string
Tied to the boys you ****

Until they see the hole
You have that nothing can fill.

Nothing can fill it.
Not friendship.
Not love.

You, my dear, are lost.
And more alone than you've
Ever been.

And I will not let you
Swallow me up into the
Hole you have.

I will no longer try to
Save you.
Only you can save you.

And it hurts you to be good.
And it feels good to be bad.

I know you, girl.
I know you, woman.
I know you.
And I know
How you are.

Good luck.
And good bye.

Oh baby I can tell
You've got that self destructive
Streak in you

You like to drink hard liquor
Without any chasers
Smoke too many cigarettes
And dip if you're offered
You'll try any drug
At least once
But marijuana and Molly
Are your favorites.

Staying sober isn't on your agenda
Because when you're intoxicated
Life is a blur, a movie

Your tumblr is littered
With too skinny girls
Who you wished you looked like
And pictures of
******* **** and *****
Are every other repost
And inbetween them are soft little
Poems about being alone
Or being in love

And you've never felt so empty