A year later
and you send me a message
"you've changed me for the better,
thank you for being so kind."

I can't reply back
even after everything has cooled down
I've thought it over a million times
pondered over how I could say goodbye

Even if I can't say it to you
I'll feel it from here
I'm sorry I couldn't say thanks
because you've changed me for the better too

i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..

that book
scared me
because
how did you
know
that
i needed it?

and if
i admit it
am i
weak
because
i need
you?

this
is not
logical

i know

but
this is
my fear