i'm just
*******
exhausted.

You promised
A lifetime of poetry
Just to leave without
A single line

to those who may need to hear this today:
please just stay.
just one more day.
until that day turns into two
and two turns into forever
because I promise you
things can get better, but they won't if you never
look for it
or wait for it
just hold on
just be strong
live each day like you're awaiting what's to come
but you must also not forget the hurt you came from
that's your reminder to look ahead
at the better days instead of the impending dread
so I beg of you
sincerely, stay
just one more day
until forever

I wish I could take others' pain upon myself
So that my suffering wasn't so useless

all I can feel is your absence

My mind tells me I deserve to bleed
That it’s okay that it hurts like hell
That it’s good that the blood won’t stop
Because the blood is mine
The blood is of the person who messed up in conversation
The blood is of the one who’s eyes are devastatingly like her father’s
Of the person who got to school 4 minutes late
And for the one who just sat there class while she knew that there was someone somewhere in pain
For the one who wasn’t there to help them

But my mind also asks me
If my blood is the same
as the three year old who’d play
with napkins and pens
Because creative and strange
Is far better
Than bored and average

My mind asks
If the skin that I tear open
Is the same skin
That the 7 year old’s tears poured down on
Because she was starting to understand
That her father’s behavior was not normal

And even though that ******* that is my head told me to my face
That I am unlovable
And that I deserve to bleed
It somehow had the nerve
To make me feel guilty for yet another thing

It told me I was hurting
the little girl who already
Was struggling

And it told me I was hurting
the grandma with grandkids on her lap
Of whom I’m threatening
Deprivation of snuggling

My mind said
That by doing that
I deserved to bleed and suffer even more

And as the pain starts
It asks me again
If it was just me that I’m hurting

I tend to lose myself in crowds of people.
A chameleon blending in with its surroundings.
It’s only when I am alone once more
That I can find myself again

If you could time travel
you would go back to when you were happy
wouldn't we all?
yet you should keep your eyes trained forward
good will come when the bad gets bored
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you are falling, trying to matter,
but you should know you are enough.
you may never forget...and in a way that's good
remember the pain so you may thrive from it later
remember the hurt so it builds you back stronger
tally
tally
tally marks of life
you say you'll just suffer in the unknown tonight
but that's not what you deserve
you deserve someone to love you
never leave you
and if they do then you come back fighting
one will love you until death do you part
they will stay forever, locked in between the midnight promises
tally
tally
tally marks of life
these marks aren't ugly, they're you
they're YOUR pain, drawn on for those who hurt you
and when they scar you'll know you survived
and you will, over and over again, I promise
listen to Taylor Swift
even if it doesn't sound the same after them
Make your own sound, with your own voice
one that sounds just right, just like you
tally
tally
tally marks of life
pain means progress
I feel it too
but you cannot let it consume you
use it to be stronger, use it to survive
but don't use it to punish yourself
instead reward yourself
you deserve love as much as the next
eat before bed
it's not as okay as you think to neglect yourself
push people away to see if they pull you closer
and if they don't then they are fake
the true will love you despite your efforts
tally
tally
tally marks of life
go to prom, I'm glad you had fun
that dress was made for someone like you
someone who owns her scars and her trauma and hurt
someone who deserves the best but thinks she deserves the worst
that dress was made to help you see
you don't have to tan and curl and starve
to be beautiful
own your skin because it is yours and no one gets to tell you
you're not beautiful because you don't match their standards
tally
tally
tally marks of life
let me tell you
there is something worth saving under the dust
of your world ending everyday
I know because I see it in your words,
and others do too.
forget April twenty first
it still matters but you already apologized
you're still bleeding but you are stronger then a day on the calendar
you are stronger
don't let yourself be pushed into a hole
put down the shovel and turn around
you don't have to dig it anymore
remember the little things
like the color purple and the weeping willows (are we the same person?)
Dexter Gordon and the saxophone
remember those all because they are you
tally
tally
tally marks of life

the people i'm closest to
never seem to stay
they always have to go away
and leave me behind
crying