I ***** apologies faster than the word **** can escape your lips after you stub your toes on the concrete ground / I jump to conclusions, or excuses, or explanations, or whatever, almost as quickly as you can sputter out your endless pathetic promises during those stupid walks on the beach / I can shut myself down emotionally in about as much time as it takes you to say that we're "just friends" after I throw my raw, pulsing heart onto the same **** cutting board we used to make sushi when I asked you if you liked me.

I don't hate you because you broke my heart not once, but twice, but because you lie straight to my face and tell me you don't get butterflies when we kiss at 3am too.

how do you politely tell someone that you cannot love them
because three years, one month, and eight days ago a boy stole your soul.
and how do you explain that you will always love him more than the rest
and that he lives in your bones
and right this second he flows through your vains
and waits on your lips
and settles like dust on your heart.
how do you explain that your body is a galaxy and he is the stars
and you will love him until the constellations burn out.

i love that moment
when a song inhibits reality,
and for a second,
(or a minute,
and very possibly maybe four),
even though you are here, right now,
you're also very gone.

and for that second,
a tsunami of feelings,
thoughts, and memories,
suffocate your heart in a seemingly endless chokehold.

and life comes back,
like a blunt slap to the face,
and you continue to walk,
but with nostalgia by your side.

when he dies,
you shake.
completely swallowed with the horrifying
realization that he's gone.

you sleep,
only to dream about how.
you wake up,
only to dread the reality of why.

the fact is,
he's gone.
he didn't feel the need to stay here,
so he left.

without a word.
without a trace.
gone.

and now,
all of a sudden,
now,
at this moment,
people express that they love him.
now,
of any particular moment in time,
he matters.

i can't help
but think
that maybe if he knew
that even the tiniest person
acknowledged his existence,
or maybe if that cute girl,
with the brown eyes
and pink headband,
had told him she liked
his shoes,
maybe he would still be here.


with me.

Contrast is beautiful.

Like how the brilliant, marbled moon
Shines against the dark twinkling sky.
And the blanket covering our feet,
Is the only thing separating us from the universe.

Or how the beating of a heart,
Pounds against a gently rising chest.
Providing just enough sound,
To make me smile.

And sometimes the owls of the night,
Hoot in the ringing silence,
Awakening my ears,
To also hear you breathing right next to me.

Aujourd'hui
                                                      today
J'ai trouvé
                                                      i found
Une lettre d'amour
                                                      a love letter
Que tu m'as écrite.
                                                      that you wrote me.

J'ai pleuré
                                                      i cried
Parce que
                                                      because
Nous ne parlons jamais
                                                      we never talk
Et tu m'as aimé.
                                                      *and you loved me.

Tonight I turned on my nightlight,
In hopes of it being able to lull me to sleep.

Instead, it reminded me only of you,
And all my memories were horribly
Bittersweet.