when I was little I was always bubbly and happy over time things changed the smiles became forced wanting to dress up and stand out became wanting to seem small and fit in wanting to love turned into doing anything for love I hear all the time "just wait till you get to the real world" but what if I've already seen it what if that's what changed me I once was a sweet happy innocent little girl I'm now a shell of what I once was
I used to think blue eyes were pretty, his were not. his were not cornflower, sapphire, baby, indigo, azure, or cloudy sky blue. His were midnight where the light pollution from the city blocks the stars. Iceberg, squall, hypothermia, eventual death
somewhere along the lines my favorite colors got blurred. it was forever blue until it was silver silver didn't last long I liked porcelain more that one didn't last long either I learned to love red. red always went away I liked white to though. but only the kind of silver you can write with on the porcelain. the silver that turns the porcelain red and cuts it. the silver that tears you apart leaves you with little white scars so I guess I like white to now? wow that red didn't last long but it sure pains me to see it go. the silver is pretty though I still like it but it still looks even prettier pressed on the porcelain skin of my arm or thigh in the winter time so I guess I still like porcelain to? but then the skin rips under the silver it turns red and I remember how much I liked red. a it fades to white I think about my colors and why I like them. from blue to silver to skin color to red to white.
here we are back again in front of the medicine cabinet with a brain full of yearning and a heart full of sadness my brain chemically ill making itself yearn for death my heart full of sadness just wanting it all to stop the only thing my mind and heart can agree on is that the sadness needs to end this must be the only way right? every other way I've tried never work long term so if not this then what's the answer
"You have no reason to be so angry at the world" but when I'm sad it goes unnoticed when I'm anything other then happy really. the only thing it seems anyone can perceive is the anger. The anger that comes from pushing it down and pretending its not there the anger that comes from feeling so so misunderstood for so long. so yes I have reason. my family falling apart repeatedly, depression, anxiety. but that's not enough cause you cant see that. you cant see how that effects me.
I want to be happy I really try but my brain has a chemical imbalance something that can never be truly fixed I'm chemically ill this illness isn't the kind that makes you throw up or be congested this illness makes you sleep and lose your appetite it makes you stay in bed with nothing to do it makes you weak and tired and achy from staying in bed constantly. when I am happy it's almost uncomfortable its as if happiness just isn't for me I find comfort in this illness in knowing that's how I'll be forever I find comfort in the fact that it will never change.
At 7 I wanted to be with my best friend and family everyday At 8 I dreamed of doing hair and makeup really anything girly. At 9 all I wanted was a break from my family and yelling At 10 all I wanted was someone to show they truly cared At 11 all I wanted was to have a real friend and to live somewhere more then 4 years. At 12 all I wanted was to be able to say no without feeling bad. At 13 all I wanted was to eat without the guilt following it At 14 I simply wanted a hug. At 15 I dream to wrestle but simply want my anxiety to leave. At 16 I pray for less anxiety for things to go well.