somewhere along the lines my favorite colors got blurred.
it was forever blue until it was silver
silver didn't last long I liked porcelain more
that one didn't last long either I learned to love red.
red always went away I liked white to though.
but only the kind of silver you can write with on the porcelain.
the silver that turns the porcelain red and cuts it.
the silver that tears you apart
leaves you with little white scars
so I guess I like white to now?
wow that red didn't last long but it sure pains me to see it go.
the silver is pretty though I still like it but
it  still looks even prettier pressed on the porcelain skin of my arm or thigh in the winter time
so I guess I still like porcelain to?
but then the skin rips under the silver
it turns red and I remember how much I liked red.
a it fades to white I think about my colors and why I like them.
from blue to silver to skin color to red to white.

here we are back again
in front of the medicine cabinet
with a brain full of yearning
and a heart full of sadness
my brain chemically ill making itself yearn for death
my heart full of sadness just wanting it all to stop
the only thing my mind and heart can agree on is that the sadness needs to end
this must be the only way right?
every other way I've tried never work long term
so if not this then what's the answer

"You have no reason to be so angry at the world"
but when I'm sad it goes  unnoticed
when I'm anything other then happy really.
the only thing it seems anyone can perceive is the anger.
The anger that comes from pushing it down and pretending its not there
the anger that comes from feeling so so misunderstood for so long.
so yes I have reason.
my family falling apart repeatedly, depression, anxiety.
but that's not enough cause you cant see that.
you cant see how that effects me.

I want to be happy
I really try
but my brain has a chemical imbalance
something that can never be truly fixed
I'm chemically ill
this illness isn't the kind that makes you throw up or be congested
this illness makes you sleep and lose your appetite
it makes you stay in bed with nothing to do
it makes you weak and tired and achy from staying in bed constantly.
when I am happy it's almost uncomfortable
its as if happiness just isn't for me
I find comfort in this illness in knowing that's how I'll be forever
I find comfort in the fact that it will never change.

At 7 I wanted to be with my best friend and family everyday
At 8 I dreamed of doing hair and makeup really anything girly.
At 9 all I wanted was a break from my family and yelling
At 10 all I wanted was someone to show they truly cared
At 11 all I wanted was to have a real friend and to live somewhere more then 4 years.
At 12 all I wanted was to be able to say no without feeling bad.
At 13 all I wanted was to eat without the guilt following it
At 14 I simply wanted a hug.
At 15 I dream to wrestle but simply want my anxiety to leave.
At 16 I pray for less anxiety for things to go well.

Why do we do it?
Why do we cut ourselves?
Why do we burn ourselves?
Why would anyone ever harm themselves on purpose?
Why?
Is it to feel some kind of physical pain to silence the pain in our heads,
Or is it to feel like our mental pain is valid too?
Is it worth it for only a few seconds of relief?
Is it worth the struggles of addiction and hiding it from everyone?
Is it worth it to have your showers stinging after?
Why do we start to crave the pain that comes from SH?
Maybe everyone has their own reasonings but its all the same,
It's all hurting yourself to feel something.
Now all you crave is that release no matter how it's done, it's all you want.
Almost like a drug addict you're addicted to the pain the release.
Then it's got you, you're stuck and you go back to the question.
Why?
Why did I ever start this sick cycle?
Why do I keep going?
Why can't I stop now?
Why is it so addicting?
But no matter how much you question it you simply can never fully quit,
You simply can never do something wrong without it being your first thought anymore.
And here we are back to the question.
Why?