I don't know how you do it its like you know what I'm thinking I decide "I'm really done this time" and then here you come and decide for us both that I'm not you lead me on and leave like its your goal to keep me on a string forever like you cant stand the thought of having no one to love you like I have and we both know you know what your doing you act like its nothing but its killing me I mean even my family who once loved you doesn't even think of you as a friend anymore yet I still find myself thinking of you thinking of going back thinking of texting or adding you thinking of telling you I miss you but I cant make myself somewhere deep down I know your done I know your just playing with me now I know this is all a game and wow. it really hurts to come to that realization.
"no" the one word you could never understand the one plea you ignored "no not right now" "no I don't want to" but you didn't care you just wanted to get any sort of fine even if its not real consent even if that meant manipulation and coercion even if it meant making me terrified of men for the years to come you didn't care you wanted what you wanted you couldn't take no as an answer
though I'm clean I cant help but miss it the little red drops the way I was in control of it the stinging the pain its been 6 months and its all I think about its messed up really its something that only some will understand even people who do it don't always get it we just know we do it for something I miss it the understanding that in that very moment I'm in control of my own pain that I'm in control and can be whenever I need to that it doesnt all have to be mental that I can release everything through I tiny little slit in my skin but I cant do it again cant break the promises cant go back. some days I really wish I could though.
when I finally told her y'know how you really were she thought you were so good she thought you'd never even be disrespectful. she couldn't have been more wrong and I guess I got warned to stay away so in a way maybe I brought it up on myself but I would've never guessed I would've never thought you were so manipulative I would've never thought you to be like that you seemed so sweet I often tell myself you didn't know it was wrong but you had to right? you had to know begging until you get a "fine if you stop asking" isn't okay right? maybe that's why you did it maybe you didn't care when I told her she almost cried. we were in a park walking trauma dumping as best friends do she started profusely apologizing she didn't like you but she didn't hate you when we were together she didn't know. she didn't know all the hushed fights or manipulative things you'd say she had no idea all the nights at your house the things you'd guilt me into she didn't know the weeks of being ignored no one did.
when I was little I was always bubbly and happy over time things changed the smiles became forced wanting to dress up and stand out became wanting to seem small and fit in wanting to love turned into doing anything for love I hear all the time "just wait till you get to the real world" but what if I've already seen it what if that's what changed me I once was a sweet happy innocent little girl I'm now a shell of what I once was
I used to think blue eyes were pretty, his were not. his were not cornflower, sapphire, baby, indigo, azure, or cloudy sky blue. His were midnight where the light pollution from the city blocks the stars. Iceberg, squall, hypothermia, eventual death
somewhere along the lines my favorite colors got blurred. it was forever blue until it was silver silver didn't last long I liked porcelain more that one didn't last long either I learned to love red. red always went away I liked white to though. but only the kind of silver you can write with on the porcelain. the silver that turns the porcelain red and cuts it. the silver that tears you apart leaves you with little white scars so I guess I like white to now? wow that red didn't last long but it sure pains me to see it go. the silver is pretty though I still like it but it still looks even prettier pressed on the porcelain skin of my arm or thigh in the winter time so I guess I still like porcelain to? but then the skin rips under the silver it turns red and I remember how much I liked red. a it fades to white I think about my colors and why I like them. from blue to silver to skin color to red to white.