what is it to be numb?
is it to feel nothing or to feel everything so much its too much
is it to be so aware you can just shut it off
or is it just simply surviving
maybe the answer is differently for everyone but for me
being numb is everything and nothing at the same time
feeling so many things you just feel nothing
being confused and not being able to know your true feelings
being numb isn't the absence of emotion
its to be so overwhelmed with your feeling you don't know how to really feel them.

Love is supposed to be beautiful.
but for some reason its not anymore
For some reason it's been so misinterpreted these days
most people nowadays thinks its to be manipulated or hit
others think love is to have *** or touch one another
it is simply being with each other
love doesn't have to be ****** or abusive
right?
it can be beautiful and fun
it can be sweet
but maybe this generation just cant handle that kind of thing
cant handle opening up or knowing someone else so intimately
knowing someone else better then themselves?

I don't know how you do it
its like you know what I'm thinking
I decide
"I'm really done this time"
and then here you come
and decide for us both that I'm not
you lead me on and leave
like its your goal to keep me on a string forever
like you cant stand the thought of having no one to love you like I have
and we both know you know what your doing
you act like its nothing
but its killing me
I mean even my family who once loved you doesn't even think of you as a friend anymore
yet I still find myself thinking of you
thinking of going back
thinking of texting or adding you
thinking of telling you I miss you
but I cant make myself
somewhere deep down I know your done
I know your just playing with me now
I know this is all a game
and wow.
it really hurts to come to that realization.

"no"
the one word you could never understand
the one plea you ignored
"no not right now"
"no I don't want to"
but you didn't care
you just wanted to get any sort of fine
even if its not real consent
even if that meant manipulation and coercion
even if it meant making me terrified of men for the years to come
you didn't care
you wanted what you wanted
you couldn't take no as an answer

though I'm clean I cant help but miss it
the little red drops
the way I was in control of it
the stinging
the pain
its been 6 months and its all I think about
its messed up really
its something that only some will understand
even people who do it don't always get it
we just know we do it for something
I miss it
the understanding that in that very moment I'm in control of my own pain
that I'm in control and can be whenever I need to
that it doesnt all have to be mental
that I can release everything through I tiny little slit in my skin
but I cant do it again
cant break the promises
cant go back.
some days I really wish I could though.

when I finally told her
y'know how you really were
she thought you were so good
she thought you'd never even be disrespectful.
she couldn't have been more wrong
and I guess I got warned to stay away
so in a way maybe I brought it up on myself
but I would've never guessed
I would've never thought you were so manipulative
I would've never thought you to be like that
you seemed so sweet
I often tell myself you didn't know it was wrong
but you had to right?
you had to know begging until you get a "fine if you stop asking" isn't okay right?
maybe that's why you did it
maybe you didn't care
when I told her
she almost cried.
we were in a park walking
trauma dumping as best friends do
she started profusely apologizing
she didn't like you but she didn't hate you when we were together
she didn't know.
she didn't know all the hushed fights or manipulative things you'd say
she had no idea all the nights at your house the things you'd guilt me into
she didn't know the weeks of being ignored
no one did.