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lexi 6h
wow
I don't know how you do it
its like you know what I'm thinking
I decide
"I'm really done this time"
and then here you come
and decide for us both that I'm not
you lead me on and leave
like its your goal to keep me on a string forever
like you cant stand the thought of having no one to love you like I have
and we both know you know what your doing
you act like its nothing
but its killing me
I mean even my family who once loved you doesn't even think of you as a friend anymore
yet I still find myself thinking of you
thinking of going back
thinking of texting or adding you
thinking of telling you I miss you
but I cant make myself
somewhere deep down I know your done
I know your just playing with me now
I know this is all a game
and wow.
it really hurts to come to that realization.
#ex
lexi 7h
no
"no"
the one word you could never understand
the one plea you ignored
"no not right now"
"no I don't want to"
but you didn't care
you just wanted to get any sort of fine
even if its not real consent
even if that meant manipulation and coercion
even if it meant making me terrified of men for the years to come
you didn't care
you wanted what you wanted
you couldn't take no as an answer
lexi 1d
SH
though I'm clean I cant help but miss it
the little red drops
the way I was in control of it
the stinging
the pain
its been 6 months and its all I think about
its messed up really
its something that only some will understand
even people who do it don't always get it
we just know we do it for something
I miss it
the understanding that in that very moment I'm in control of my own pain
that I'm in control and can be whenever I need to
that it doesnt all have to be mental
that I can release everything through I tiny little slit in my skin
but I cant do it again
cant break the promises
cant go back.
some days I really wish I could though.
TW
#sh
lexi 1d
when I finally told her
y'know how you really were
she thought you were so good
she thought you'd never even be disrespectful.
she couldn't have been more wrong
and I guess I got warned to stay away
so in a way maybe I brought it up on myself
but I would've never guessed
I would've never thought you were so manipulative
I would've never thought you to be like that
you seemed so sweet
I often tell myself you didn't know it was wrong
but you had to right?
you had to know begging until you get a "fine if you stop asking" isn't okay right?
maybe that's why you did it
maybe you didn't care
when I told her
she almost cried.
we were in a park walking
trauma dumping as best friends do
she started profusely apologizing
she didn't like you but she didn't hate you when we were together
she didn't know.
she didn't know all the hushed fights or manipulative things you'd say
she had no idea all the nights at your house the things you'd guilt me into
she didn't know the weeks of being ignored
no one did.
  May 26 lexi
Lilly
when I was little I was always bubbly and happy
over time things changed
the smiles became forced
wanting to dress up and stand out became wanting to seem small and fit in
wanting to love turned into doing anything for love
I hear all the time "just wait till you get to the real world"
but what if I've already seen it
what if that's what changed me
I once was a sweet happy innocent little girl
I'm now a shell of what I once was
  May 21 lexi
Twisted Poet
I used to think blue eyes were pretty,
his were not.
his were not cornflower, sapphire, baby, indigo, azure,
or cloudy sky blue.
His were midnight where the light pollution from the city blocks the stars.
Iceberg, squall, hypothermia, eventual death
lexi May 21
somewhere along the lines my favorite colors got blurred.
it was forever blue until it was silver
silver didn't last long I liked porcelain more
that one didn't last long either I learned to love red.
red always went away I liked white to though.
but only the kind of silver you can write with on the porcelain.
the silver that turns the porcelain red and cuts it.
the silver that tears you apart
leaves you with little white scars
so I guess I like white to now?
wow that red didn't last long but it sure pains me to see it go.
the silver is pretty though I still like it but
it  still looks even prettier pressed on the porcelain skin of my arm or thigh in the winter time
so I guess I still like porcelain to?
but then the skin rips under the silver
it turns red and I remember how much I liked red.
a it fades to white I think about my colors and why I like them.
from blue to silver to skin color to red to white.
TW:self harm
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