This is the moment when I feel most like myself.
A small watcher in a moving place
I Sit and feel
think
And observe
And read, too

Sorry for the melancholy, but
I wish I could be lost here
Stranded in this place

I want to be swallowed up by this world
Just like this

I could do it I think

But first I have to get lost

My mind
A stone
Sitting at the bottom of a river

Slowly it weather's away
Until there's nothing left

Bereft
A thing to be
When all is lost
But the breeze in
Maple tree

Restlesness,
Sink your fangs into me
My flesh will not protest

Your venom, my impetus
That glorious burning sting
Fill my veins and be my guide

Running to or running from
You make no distinction

Venom, in my veins coercing
And burning at the open wound
That ******* desire

That unceasing need to run

Why should elsewhere
Be preferable to nowhere?
Or anywhere really….

Whatever “where” I inhabit
It will be my where.

Where you're not
Is where you wanna be
But once you get there
You'll forget about all the time it took
And all the suffering

Is this your body?
it isn't mine.

I think I must be wearing your skin
Because all I want to do is tear it off
Piece by bleeding piece

Take it back please

The man lays in the gutter
Street splattered with blood

Hundreds of scrambling feet
Run to pick up his crown

Purest being
rather than muting all that is,
Water to my lips, warm breaths,
On cool skin

I will never be normal enough for you,
so **** your normal

We would become like shadows
or faint plays of light on a wall,
dancing and fading,
rejoicing in our momentary existence

a letter from reality
like little scraps of paper
i can't quite make out the words
but the sentiment is appreciated

You are my Eden, love
And I will eat the fruit of your tree

Let me curl into your embrace
Love,
Encircle me

I am not myself
The day is growing darker and
I am not myself

The little lights
Between here and there
That's where I'll be laying
Casting my gaze in your direction

Will you
Slip
With me?

Laughing and rolling as we fall

And then
slip
Into me,

Please hold me, I don't want to
Feel the cold.

You smell like my bedsheets
What's your name again?
Sorry it has to be this way, love,
Sorry I'm not here for you, now
Will you remember me love,
My fingertips tracing in the dark
You smell like my bedsheets
What's your name again?

yellowing page
Animated only by sentiment
-Even that is dying-
All is fleeting.

It's 3am and I miss you
.
. . . . When your arms held
my fractured being
Stopped me from filing apart. . . .
.
But now you're gone
and I can't sleep.

That temptuous lure
All my idols
Eyes dancing in firelight
Speak wonderingly in my ear
Let me become drunk on you

Simply to exist
Watch branches
Fall and decay

I see myself
Dying branch
Reflected there

Lacking want and
Lacking Fear
Exist, and cease

The conversation takes us
With fits of laughter
And that pretty look on her face
Into a blissful unconsciousness

Why do I always wear blue
Rain jackets
On sunny summer days
And pretend . . .

The stormy weather is only in my mind

I hope it rains today
Like on those short summer afternoons
When things were different

if i forget my desire
i attain its object

Don't let distraction masquerade as enjoyment.
Something lies under the surface.

Such a long time
All of me was blind in the dark
That aimless search
Thank you
For breaking me
so I could find
myself

Heaven must be a dull place
If all the beautiful things are ******

The sky is bleeding

                                      It knows

And there is no consolation for

                         Our feeble minds

And the black earth turns red

                          Eroded and pale

What a strange place this is

                          How small we must feel

Though suffering seeps upwards through the floorboards
And creaks in the night
And comes when the wind shifts
And the moon’s light is blocked by the

swirling

Black

Sky

I have always had a morning
I have always known the warmth of a fireplace
I have always found an answer.

so I just wait.

I did not know
or refused to know

the difference between improving the parts of myself
that could grow into things great and full
and help me grow into something more myself
grow closer to me

and changing parts of myself
because I felt hatred for them
though they were me

The desire to improve oneself often grows from self-hatred
and can only be cured by acceptance and love

yet
self-acceptance does not equal stagnation

old memories
Like water swiftly rising
From waist to chest, my mouth and nose
Suffocating

Sunny days and cloudy afternoons
The days slip away
rain dripping from the rooftop

But I am just waiting
And I can still feel the imprint of your body resting against mine

Before, I was different.
Tomorrow, I will be different than I am today.
Even so,

I hope that I will remember what I was like
After today has faded into yesterday.

That I will not forget what it was to be me
In this present moment

Because once tomorrow comes, today will be forever trapped behind the pane of glass that separates present from past.
I want to remember how to feel that which can no longer be touched, to see that which is no longer visible, to hear that which is no longer audible.

Then, maybe
I won't have to spend so long staring through that impenetrable pane of glass

Because I will remember

I wish I could be enveloped
****** down to the root
Slowly being incorporated into its tree-body
Until I'm all tree and it's all me

My essence wilts
In
this cruel cold

enduring truth:
That
all must gray

though sorrow screams
This
I whisper here too

sun’s healing warmth
will
always stay

i left my eyes behind
because i wanted to see more

i left my mind behind
because i wanted to know more

i left my heart behind
because i wanted to feel more

i left my flesh behind
because i wanted to live more

i left my soul behind
because i wanted to be more

I always carry a book with me
Like a place to hide
During the rainstorm
Warm and dry

The daylight,

how elusive

How many hours
Until it slips away
Parting from me once again

And when i call out like a child
Will it not
-indifferent-
Look away?

I had spent years in darkness,
For the mind is a cavernous *****

Labarinthyne pathways
And crevaces that reach longingly, fingers outstreched into the deep

How long since
i had bathed in white sunlight?
And the sky breathing its warm breath-
The soft caress
And springs that ring like bells

Perhaps all memory of this daylight
Will be lured into the abyss
And even time will be lost in darkness

Evanescent
My joy is counted in minutes

And yet i feel grateful
that i, too,
Must silently

fade away

Take my hand

And we'll create a world within each other

Someplace to hide

To escape the memories that haunt us

Someplace the past cannot find.

all the forgotten things
the things I couldn't see for the longest time
that precise shade of afternoon light

like little petals
dropping slowly down
and landing by my side

The end is sand
Carried
On wandering winds

To nowhere in particular.

words unspoken
speak the loudest

i'm one of those narcissistic beasts,
those animals that christened themselves
and created gods to **** the demons in their hearts

what's a god to a god-creator?

You cannot see from the outside, how many times I've tried to commit suicide. You'd be surprised at how well I can mask my feelings, how easy it is not to cry. You can't see the scar down my forearm through my jacket, nor the note I keep on my desk.

I am not unique.

And that is why I always smile and say nice things to other people. Because of the things I can't see.

puffs of snow
on drooping branches
.
.
.
.
.
.
for the last time