I no longer wake up in the morning longing for your touch
or wishing I could see the tired look in your eyes
as we rush to a class we don't care about
I don't search your stupid youtube videos anymore when I am lonely
When I am lonely
I often have to remind myself it is better to be alone
I unfollowed you on instagram
but I still keep tabs on your pictures
not because I miss you
but because I often have to remind myself where this bitterness comes from
why my chest is ice cold
why I am angry at geography
why
I no longer dream of you every third night
but you flutter on the inside of my eyelids
before I fade into darkness
I no longer dream of you every third night
because I no longer dream
There is only darkness
until I awake
where I do not even wish for light
because then I would see what I am missing when my day begins

Nothing has changed, nothing will, not this way.
I am a poor fool, bound to you
And begging, on my knees, for every scrap you toss my way.
Reconnection leads to reinfection,
I am a sad fool,
A mad fool, to risk again, all that I have.
And yet, as you reach out…I am lost,
Clinging to virtual words, dreaming of a world that’s gone,
Trying to glue together something shattered
Wishing for time reversal, praying for a miracle
To salvage my remembrance of a desperate year.

The one that stays
And who is always there
To bring on conversation
Where distance means nothing
No matter how far

In the distance
When you desire time
Or a smile on your face
Someone will always mean something
Just as a star on a clear night.

i held you still- fearing you mistook parts of me
for parts of God
held my breath because i guess
being here meant more to me
than being mistaken for Omnipotent
or safety.
let your heart beat
a fragile little bird fluttering in it's cage. heart cage. rib cage.
i think you were moving too. counter rhythm. restful momentum.
i wasn't trying to trick you. or trap you.
but,
i gave myself this moment.
and godhelpme- i don't regret it.
later
in windfall and disquiet
it was still me that you came to.
me.