“Please remove everything from your pockets
And place them in this little tray (NOW, please)
Which we will then pass around to strange people
Without you being able to see who they are.”
“Will all merlot-class diners please line up
At the door while we verify your existence?”
“I’m sorry, sir, but your meal will be delayed
For about two hours. Would you like some water?”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but your meal will be delayed
While our maintenance team works on the grill.”
“I’m sorry, miss, but your meal will be delayed
While our maintenance team repairs the oven vents.”
“Yes, the breakfast special is $7.95
But there is a $10 surcharge for the plate.”
“We are sorry, miss, but it appears that
Your silverware has been re-routed to Denny’s.”
“We find that seating twenty customers
At a four-foot table is more efficient.”
“We are having a little turbulence
In the kitchen; please fasten your seat belts.”
“For safety purposes, secure all ‘phones
And stow them until after the salad.”
“We ran out of entrees fourteen tables back.
There is no more coffee. Want a doughnut?”
“However, we have lots of *****
For the belligerent drunk behind you.”
“Thank you for dining with us this evening
(Yeah, yeah, like we even care about you).”
Most airline employees are wonderful, but those who aren't are certainly memorable in their indolence and insolence. I'm especially reminded of the Air Canada cabin attendant who was far more interested in her Harry Potter book than doing her job. Her job seemed to consist mostly of snarling to passengers who asked about the coffee that ran out 14 rows before, and why all that was left for breakfast was an embalmed sticky bun.