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kylie formella Sep 2014
my mother asked me why i was crying in my sleep
and i brushed it off as no big deal;
just a bad dream.
truth be told, it was you i dreamed of,
and i was crying because i had woken up.
when i opened my eyes i lost your touch.
i lost your eyes,
watching mine.
i lost your smile.
waking up, I lost it all.
now I'll spend all day hoping you'll call,
at the end of the day i'll just fall
onto my bed which holds memories of you
and there's nothing i can do.
but sit and wait for you
and drift to sleep in the hopes you'll come back.
i can hear my heart break i can hear it crack.
"he's never ever ever ever ever coming back"
kylie formella Sep 2014
i am the rocks that try to break the waves
and you are the hurricane that comes anyway
the tide comes out of my eyes
i tried to hold it back i swear i ******* tried
kylie formella Sep 2014
it's okay i know you're busy
i'm just laying down, and every five minutes i
type a text to you
saying something different each time
from
"i love you and miss you!! can i come see you?"
to
"i hate you so much how could you do this to me"
but i don't send any,
because i've already sent two.
and i'm trying to give you the space you deserve.
i want to spill
all my secrets to you.
but more than that, i want  to know all of yours.
so badly,
i want to know all the things that will hurt me
beyond repair.
Having my heart ripped out by you would be
better than having one.
kylie formella Sep 2014
trying so hard to dissolve into my seat
behind my desk
curled up trying to get as small
as i can possibly be
so ill go unnoticed
but when somebody does realize
that i exist
ill love them forever
even if they
only gave me
a
glance
kylie formella Sep 2014
you are every single star in the sky
lighting up even the darkest of nights
you are all the smoke that i inhale
keeping me high making sure i dont fail
you are the tide pulling me back to sanity
you are my life you are my baby
you are so precious and you have saved me
kylie formella Sep 2014
every single ******* thought ends in your name
and that'd be fine if i knew where to place the blame
not on you, surely
the only rational judgement is me
i hate myself for thinking this was real
do you take her out on dates? do you pay for her meals?
just like we used to
now all i can ******* do
is smoke and drink and pop a couple pills
i just wish you knew how it feels
to be completely sober and feel it's a problem
oh wait nevermind, im the ******* problem
i hope you tell them that my name is sorry
ill drink a whole bottle and pop a whole molly
its not because i want to be happy
i just dont want to feel all this pain that you left me
im going insane you're probably with her
and i bet that you just ******* dig her
i bet that she isnt as crazy as me
i bet she doesnt panic or get anxiety
i bet she is the reason that you are ******* smiling
but she is the reason that i am crying
and i promised myself that never again
would i trust anybody or let them in
and now im so ******* high
feeling like i might possibly die
but im not upset things could not be better
but when im gone i just hope you remember
and i hope you dont mind when i call you tonight
i took some acid im not feeling alright
but you'll get annoyed because you hate when i drop
and right before i spill my guts, you'll hang up
you think i can't handle **** and you're probably right
i might die tonight i really might
i just miss you so much and i ******* love you
does your new girl give it all to you?
does she do everything i couldnt possibly do?
is she good enough for you?
do you show her off to the whole crew?
im just rolling around in my room
smoked some and ate some mushrooms
i remember when i did this recreationally
now im getting rid of all this **** that you gave to me
i have so many questions and i dont want the answers
instead of you and i now, its you and her
i ******* hate that you don't care
im falling apart and youre well aware
and i just want to ******* drop dead
and all that **** you said replays in the back of my head
and i just want this all to end
a suicide letter sent through a text
i love you im sorry goodbye i press send
i try and i try and i try it doesnt work
all i can think of is your stupid smirk
i swallowed the whole bottle and my face is numb
how do i let you make me feel so dumb
i love you so much and im still your baby
even if you don't particularly want me
even if when you hold me its her on your mind
even if when you look for her its me you find
forever not good enough and forever still trying
and even though half the **** you say; you're lying
hiding **** away so it doesnt upset me
and we boht know that i am ******* crazy
if you even think of leaving
i will stop ******* breathing
my heart will skip a beat and you'll tell me i'm nothing
but with you i was finally something
and i lay in a strangers bed all alone
and you guys are probably ******* back home
i cant sleep in my bed because it still smells like you
*******
*******
i love you
kylie formella Sep 2014
Trying to tell myself not to worry, that I am so small.
But that, too brings a certain terror I cannot explain.
How can the pain that is inside me be so big and overwhelming
if I am less than dust?
The confusion that plagues me makes my hands tremble
and I have no answers
and I can't even put my questions into words.
I just want to know
how I can be so sad
if I am nothing.

— The End —