I think she was laughing
And rolling her ocean blue eyes
And smiling
Just to do it all over again

And I think I stepped outside because I was scared
But she just kept laughing

And I couldn't even contain myself
Watching her be so energetic
But

No one knew
No one ever knew

And I just wanted to know

How can you be so sad and alone?

It was always so easy
So easy
To be with you
And to watch that little girl inside of me laugh

And she flicks her eyes back
To meet yours on golden gates on horizons of suns
Thousands of light beams waiting
Waiting for us

And then you just got sad
And detached

And I saw the pain in your eyes everyday
And I couldn't be that pain anymore
And you kept telling me to stop apologizing

But but I couldn't be that pain anymore

And I know how hard that summer was on you
And I'm so so so sorry I couldn't be your confide

I'm so so so sorry that our dreams turned to ashless dust in a snowstorm

And you told me it was killing you
But I think sometimes you forgot that it was killing me too

It almost seems magical
How easily someone can fall in love with a hobby or a person
And make that the one thing that gets their life seemingly easier
The thing that drives their life; the reason someone wakes up in the morning
What makes them smile before they go to rest their head in the moonlight

And I watched you fall in love with your passion
I watched it not only fill your eyes but your hope and imagination
I watched it fill you up
You drank it in

Until the day it became distructive
You let it consume every part of you; your weekends, your house, your family
You let it sep into places where passion should be replaced with pure love and joy
You let it tear you apart and seperate you from 16 years of a person
You let it build a home and you let it fester
You took a shack and built a mansion
Your mansion became exclusive and you let nothing but your passion inside
You left me out in the cold while your passion kept you warm
And your passion became deadly to the rest of us
It was dangerous, don't you see?

You keep saying that I wasn't this clearance rack

But I got lost in the meaning
and I forgot the context

I mean the context of what you were trying to say

You just keep saying I deserve better
I suppose

But it was an intrusive tangle of lies
Thrown in with mis spelled words
That were spoken

And you kept saying I wasn't a clearance rack

But you were the item to go quick.

This is where I get pathetic.  I'm head over heels for you. I can't stop thinking about you. I haven't stopped since the first debate where I was laughing so hard and you were mad but I just wanted to impress you. I always have. Ever since then, everything I do I can't stop thinking about what'd you do or say or react. And I know, I know the truth and the reality and you're moving on with your life out of this ****** town and you're going to be someone amazing you really are. And it's sad because I wish I could have spent so much more time with you. And even though our friendship was short lived, you really have impacted my life for the better. I'm done telling myself I'm not good enough- that I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough because the truth is I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be or try to be. I say stupid stuff and I make mistakes and I hurt people I love but here's the thing. There is so much grace in my heart that I could love everything in this world, even if I don't act like I do. I love the little things and I found that it's so much more important to enjoy the little things.  And I know you're moving away but you'll always impact my life. I'll never go back to things I did before, and I'll always work harder towards my dreams. But with everything I learned this year I also build up a self confidence that told me that I'm great and I deserve someone even better. Maybe at the end of the day I don't... But I'm so done hurting myself over people who don't even notice what I'm going through. I'm so strong. I don't understand why I get so upset or so attached but I do and it's terrible and I need to keep going. I'm pathetic but I can't lose you as a friend I really can't. When you say you're so busy or so tired it's so hard to believe because it looks like it's so easy to you to be happy or laughing with someone else. I wish I was your favorite girl. I wish my smile was your favorite smile, but unfortunately it's not. But that doesn't mean I'm not incredible because maybe one day this will all make sense to me. I know you probably never wanted to hurt me as much as I ended up being hurt, but I'm never going to be mad at you. I wasn't even mad at the talking **** thing I just wanted to put my foot down and show you I don't deal with that, but obviously it backfired. Thank you for helping me write my debate speeches, thank you for helping me with math, thank you. I couldn't help but falling in love with every single aspect of your nature. I couldn't help myself.

If god wouldn't give me more then I can handle, then why the **** is he doing this to me?

How the **** can you love someone and leave them in the ditch I don't understand I don't understand I don't understand

Maybe it's your turn to start apologizing
And my turn to stop

Look right through me
I promise you that all you will see is disappointment

I'm sorry

I love the way Skype sent me a beating heart

Like your heart still beats for me

I hope that with this great deal of suffering you find strength
I hope that when you find something you love you chase after it like a scared little girl running away from everything she lost
Into something to love even more

I hope you cry
and I hope those tears turn into waterfalls that will one day turn into a big lake that provides breeding grounds for habitat and humanity

I hope you find a rainbow at the end of your storm
I hope you never find that *** of gold
but I hope you never stop searching

I hope you never stop running on a treadmill that leads you in circles

I hope whenever you are in a big city you always feel lost
And I hope you always know that there's warm between gusts of wind

I hope that city never becomes too predictable
I hope you keep wondering why you left

And most importantly, I hope you never leave what you loved here

Do you remember
the first night I called you

And I needed help
You told me to hang on
Because you needed to show your dad something

And on the other end of the receiver I heard whispers
and maybe a muted laugh

And I know you were stressed out
I know you knew


But you asked anyways

And I forgot for a second what we talking about
Because everything stopped

And I was so jealous
that you
could have so little

but have so much,

and I


I just wanted that conversation with someone who was interested in me too

And every feeling I felt that night

I found every single one in you.

I've been begging you to call me for the past 3 months god ****** I can't ******* lose you

Do you remember where you were five years ago?

Were you in a foreign state with wings that were ready to fly but a heart that was firmly grounded in writing stories and pleasing your mother?

Was your developing brain rolling with the tumble **** of the past and into the rocky mountanside of Washington?

Did you imagine this would be like this, ever?

Then after you dropped me off I couldn't stop smiling

But please please please write to me from boston
I'll have the same address and I'll feel so much better just please search for something as beautiful as these oak trees there
Sit on the roof and listen to what the skyline tells you to do because I know you'll get ****** into the city life
And when you're feeling alone take a bus to me and remind me why I wanted to change in the first place

Oh my god just please write me in boston

I am dying and you meant the world to me

Don't forget give shout outs to the people that never ******* believed in you and molded your very existence

He was never yours

and nor will he ever be

every single hello that rolled off my keyboard
every single goodbye that rolled off my tongue

I couldn't help myself

Please don't ever ******* leave me or I'll never know how a liberal thinks or feels or breathes

or how you laugh
and ugh ugh pleaseee

Sleep was a word
With no meaning
Or boundaries

And I was here before
Sleepless
Crying on the floor

Begging, just begging
Begging that if I didn't have to sleep
I didn't have to waste time without you

And then there's you

Plagued in every single sleep
If I get any

And if I don't

You're plagued in my restless mind

I don't care what they say

I don't care, I don't care

They will never know your eyes searching for a lost soul inside of me under the moonlight

They will never know the times I was scared and you were too but you held me as I cried

And they will never ever know the little things inside of me I'm dying to tell you as you wake up

I don't care, I don't care