a week back home wed to tuesday of the fifth
i had a long series of peaceful and sleep field nights
aching from the uncomfort of my original twin bed
to the admiration of my ry and bru

a second flew by
oh too very soon

i am determined to be better
stinging with back aches

A slap in the face
a rush of pain
my hearts racing
pumping faster
like a frate train
Ease it
heal it
make it go away
end this pain
cure my hell
Ill pray forever
can you tell?

We have so many coincedences-
its like we are on lifes meant to be list,
i lost a friend he lost friends,
instant attraction love at first sight,
my broken phone his missing phone,
we both encounter hand enjurys;
we care for eachother
like eachother; 2 weeks deep
and I am obsessed; more or less
mindover matter
his car breaks down,
next night my car breaks down,
run in with our exes and our dads
what are the odds?
we are strong and together,
we can handle anything this world throws at us
together as a team
pinch me, this feels like a dream

a million seasons
could pass
and for the last mass on a very special sunday in the fall
for just a few seconds
if you listen carefully down the halls
the white and black keys press firmly on the grand piano  in the center of us all
as you slowly sip the gin'
you begin to obviously grin
a smirk a smile short about a mile to thiin

i breathe your scent
masked under **** and cigarette buds

your the one my hearts requesting
forwarded with a can i have my turn again

life doesnt care
-
Unfortunettly theres no return policy.

Let me Blow your mind
You and I
All we are
Is just that-
All we have is time.
Together,
WE make the most beautiful oras,
So Unique - You and I
A Technique I call Love
You Always Blow my mind.

Lets Just pretend that I Am Not there or here
the two of you.
and him.
The Perfect tones.
Hate,
Rejection,
Pure Disapointment -
Rehearsed so perfectly
you discuss the topic:
It is me.
Hanging on to my emotion by holding every ounce of air in my lungs so i can listen more clearly;
You say:
I am Hostile. Cold. Miserable. Self Centered. irresponsible. Disrespectful. Terrible.

THEY mention I was born into the WRONG family.
I am a thief.
I am a Liar.

You agree.
I stumble around, shaking my head frantically.
I KNOW that is not me.
I continue to listen - As If they DO NOT have any idea I am holding my heart as it is dropping.

Incomplete spells defeat on what a winner Ive obviously proven to be -
This simple change shall make it known to be the most promising,
Dilemma That Has Yet to Happen to Me.

seeking the serenity,
praying the pain away

believing in the future
anticipating the day

where it'll all be fine
kinda like it was all over again

I am 21.
I am a female.
I am known as Kimmy
I like to shop
I like to smile and talk to strangers

I prefer to pick flowers than to pick fights
I forget things such as names and numbers dates and my car keys
I like to dance
I believe in angels and heaven
I like to live with no regret
I believe life is short and sweet
Living Uptight and Unhappy is not my style

I Prefer to live day to day
as hard as that might be
for iF i had it my way id like to fastforward my life
just to see where ill be

I love few trust not that many
yet have my reasons
I have a terrible relationship with my family
I have learned HOW not to be
thanks to my parents
I lived a life of much tension/pain/frusteration/abandonment/love/hate/negativity/and lonliness
from all of it despite it all
i would not change a thing

i am kimmy
as unsure as I feel
I know ill figure it out

I rise above the negativity
live for the moment
learn from every mistake made
apologize for my wrong doings and than some-
know right from wrong
and am overly free spirited

If I died tomorow.
I hope to rise above my uncertainty
and into the security of knowing exactly who I am and who I WAS
given the will to live and the drive to understand life for how it is intended

I am hoping to make this self discovery sooner than later.

the scale derails
im walking on egg shells
it might as well be nails

I am so distant from you all
Im alone in the halls
I cant be a normal girl.

So carefree-
gossip, makeup and the malls.
Thats not me

alone.
I was.
I am.

But Not Forever.

im scared.
But  "I know I will be okay... "

(The quote that seems to make it all okay in the mind of Kimmy)

the seconds till sun sets feels like a lifetime.
I hear the whistle, but dont have that kick.
I feel the pressure; but there's no release

my break time, has turned into lunchtime and my style has changed from super so cal cute to what the **** am i doing out here?

i seriously contimplate playing with death. i think to myself how id do it and what the aftermouth could be.

its as if my skin is crawling with uncomfortableness.

this city isnt for me. im not for me.
i know who i am.
what i enjoy.
what is wrong and what is right.

but oftenly enough, my behavior has trashed all previous  teachings once learned. I cant take myself seriously i cant take life seriously. I am in a relationship that is remaining consistant because its one less thing to add to my table platter of life.

sometimes i wish i could just walk away after being served, but it just doesnt work that w ay. I get that.

A fret a frown
A cold set of souls
Five. If I wanted to be specific
A prayer a wish
a sink with everything but a clean dish
Your nonsense rules
The hate You all Preject-
So Far from wrong
So hateful beyond anyones worse dreams
Creaky disgust stained wood floors-
Unprotective walls -
Soundproof Is NOt existant
I hear what you all say
So Far from wrong

Broken Hinges
Encouragement so unsuccessful
It Lingers in all the corners -
God. This F A M I L Y
I promise you, IT is anything but That
I Am their Doormat -

So far From Wrong,
Every Second spent in this house
every breathe taken in this house
was a second too long
and is a gasp for air

Even a Bulldoser couldnt fix this .
Nothing In the world could ever
Make this family right.

From Smog and Snooty Stairs

To Humid Summer Air

Palm Trees And Sand

To Desolute Miles of Farm Land

Wondering when and If It'd End

To Praying I could be back home again

A new age A new stage

Coming together    

Forming a Reason

Forming a Person

and A self Esteem

lack of the salty sea breeze
and the  buzzing of the sweet hunny bees and the chirping of the birds singing in the trees.
getting an A plus
or failing the test
in my household its the same.
apologizing for being wrong
is a habit ive proven to yet break;
im from the beach but now i live bY the bay
i like to see my world in different ways.

I guess its proven to be
just as we exactly wanted it to be
except there isnt us.

another year another tear
a fear of what i feel
and how Im able to live with myself
behind a shadow of guilt
im able to wake up -- everyday and smile
and wonder to myself and think;
how it would be great to hear your voice
and be able to tell you that im sorry
and im sorry for the lies that hurt you-
and im sorry that the reason I lost you,
was to better myself and be this better me; hand in hand next to you.

Fate
its impossible --- so they say
Im a mircle baby
so illl make it happen

just watch me. stand  there eye me up and down, feel free, judge me
try to belittle me and abuse me

august- a struggle beneath a mess a face obvious to stress.
september- the summer heat is sticky grosse and u
october - partying fun molly and making out still in love so confused under the spell of this party drug he introduced to me
november- rough and rocky. the part of my life that seemed to be so obvious and prroven that it was too good to be true
december - cold. christmas lights and doubt. a trip bachk home for a week that lasted way to long  ; a trip to washington . who am i becoming.
january - a new year a rave at a highschool like venue a tiny parachute of molly and **** ciggareets and greeed this girl in the mirror, what am i doing.
february- nothing great a part time gig at a floral shop and  a confusion of many things, a list so long it would read all the way to the sun
MARCH - the  first at midnight  12:13 to be precise konstantine is playing

my heart flutters
with just the thought of you-
in a way comparable to a butterfly's flutter,
a more comparable description:
a clear nights sky
simple and clean
so pristine.

delusional
fuzzy in the brain
i think im going insane

tap water is toxic
nothing to drink
i cant float so i might as well sink

right or left
am or pm
i hate being given ultamatums

this is the truth
no wait its a lie
actually as a matter a fact its a big fat lie

im so happy
life is so grand
i hope this illness and insanity **** me 6 feet under the ground

the time is here,
the air is clear
the time is now
to go about
a certain path
all alone,
guided by my own heart
pathed by intuition
felt by faith

here i am,
free at last
standing taller than ever
loving myself and being strong
i know the right one is out there
it just takes time and personal change
i will achieve that.

pace the process
pick the mind
act out; retalliate
sit down soak it up
evaluate

dying
is not scary

living every day not knowing how tomorow will be
is much more scary

I hate the unknown
and how much it stings

If i cried
you would be here.

i wish i could have it back

bass bumping in my ear drums
left side right side
togethere they collide-
loud and proud
pandora provides my music fix
its much to early to crave loud beats
I get what I want-
Not to sound selfish of course,
I am not sure
I am confident
I am not finished
I am just beginning
1 week till Im 23
Excited for a new start
ready to part from this age
Its been long overdue
never turn it down,
never frown

Assumed. led to consumed
Consumed led to commited
you found what you assumed
by the drive of drama driven commitement
to the doorway of  undesirable.
now im on the last road home
that seems the most obvious
isnt the road to home at all
it wont be till mid august
maybe by than you will understand
who I am
What I do
Where I go
and with who
may seem scandalous;
however if you analyze it a lot more clear'
the assumptions assumed
will be obvious

She is Me.
Timid And textured-
So Unsure yet So Sure
Life is Unpredictable-
Unrehearsed
Never ending,
Yet So short.

experience one moment that can create the ver forgetables
begin the memorys that escape the ordinary and outstep the extrodinary
soak it all in
In hopes to never feel it again
make it matter for the morning isnt neccesarily near

here i am.
alone and hot
miserable despite the depart
is it me?

it has to be.
have i cursed myself  
beyond the depths of any resolution

why the weather

makes me scared to enjoy

the udder happyness
that potentially is visible

behind these fake frowns

how the past is a vast reflection of today
i am a girl
the one y ouloved
the one he loved
and the one the next will love
my heart is too big
I am too shallow
you buried this dungeon
with no plan for tomorow

Prep,
Plan,
Dream. Achieve-
Go than get-
Nice whip.
Please And Play,
Pray Everyday.
Learn to cook,
Rock A look.
Hit the gym, go for a swim.
Turn Proving them wrong,
Factual.
Believing in the UNbeliavable'
Going the limit,
Taking the lead
This life is so extrordinary

Potentially
I am beginning to see
The Man
You just might be
Maybe
As I begin to learn
Your Oh so Simple
Current Self
Is Just
A Mask
TO HIDE
The Past
BUT
If that Is so
I WONT
runaway
or
letgo
Ill Simply
Stay
Day By Day-
Ill UNDERSTAND
Grasp The truth,

Soak it In,

Simmer In The You I never knew -
And treasure every second
of the man you are today .

Take a look
but beware
not to stare
as its unfair
uncomfortable and moist
luckily theres no hair on the palm
so tragic and calm ---

imagine the flood
replaced with blood
dark and deep
red, hot with heat-
the air so cold
chilly and dark
isolated with questions
silenty ignored ;
just another victim
left with a
a broken heart.

replaced my ignorance with

patient and quiet
i hear the wind

i think to myself
how proud

somewhere out there
high above is a shooting star

i am transitioning
into greatness

what would you say is the truth?
between me and you
my heart only beats for you

No other person on this planet
makes me feel the way
you make me feel.

I love the way we connect
I can spend the rest of my life with you
everyday of every second
we dont need plans
all i need is you.

You are seriously my other half
Lets jump to the future
Fast forward a few years

Lets' Beat all odds
prove them wrong
By being So in love
It's Stronger than strong

I dream only of you
All I need is you
Your my world

As a matter of Fact
And now you know it.

why does the life of kimmy seem to be more and more complicated?
i dont get it,

left over yeah no worries
bad gas mileage
humid hot air surrounded in the scene
substitute palm trees for farm cattle

every day i dream.
waiting for the day,
telling myself its okay,
one day it will come true.

fragile
violet
purple and grey

listening
aqua
fusia and green

confused
yellow
brown and blue

music
loud
charging and sleeping

guilty
crying
supressed and depressed

I am not this girl
all over again
sprawled passed out
on her bathroom floor

Pleaase grant me one long eternity of sleep.
Let me fall asleep entranced in a world of dreams and wishes
Swimming in the seas and flying through the skys
Counting the stars and flying kites
Silence so perfect it felt so unreal
Was the pray that I used to repeat nightly.
It was a simple request to an easy way out
I didnt want to quite
but It felt selfish for me
To continue living a life
that I didnt want.
Ive  been chosen
to continue living
for whatever reason
theres a plan
not a misunderstanding
I take everyday for what I can
although its full of alot of uselessness
I cant let myself be like that.

This life
This second
Pases by like fraight trains over never ending tracks;
and the endless miles of  big rigs on the interstate

This life
This minute
Dwindles away like the drop of rain off a leaf right after the rain
And the  harsh realization

That this is'nt home- It's not even close
Home was better; Much warmer despite all the negative exposures of the past

every moment every ounce of emotion

burrows within
like the rats in your wall.
and the coldness in your soul.

what a fluzee
excuse me
interject the topic
that most needs discussion
take the lead
your you
yet im still me,
not now or forever.
time might be looked at as wasted,
i look at time
being forever to precious to sit and wait
while i boil with hate.

B lank.
A clean slate.
I  AM sorry,
Its Not Fate
Believe Me.
TRUST
The Intentions
Of All That is Happening
Is for the Ultimate test -
The Best And
Hopefully the Rest
Of Our Lives

Together.

back again since december of twenty ten
life is splendid more blessed than ever
learning lifes pathes and how they fold
loving it all despite my weird awkwardness
im a big girl now

I guess its final;
I am here,
In the same place
The every day
ways of the environments
Of lifes beautiful face-

on every drive
in every way
Its becoming familiar

Maybe a new start
With the Introduction to  
the patterns of the daily usuals

I think another year will be such a brave decision,
A simple leap of trust of responsibility
And realiability
A simple independence;
Proven to be another challenge;
as well as the the midterm
of finding who I am.

believe in the belief
trust in the truth
taste in the touch
life is over whelming, sure
but never too much

its okay its alright
just fall asleep
isnt that ideal
better put, it is desired
the tock of the clock
the click and clack of my mac
the seconds closer to the suns warmth
and the perplexed discomfort of my
frail fringed tensed tissues;
The desire for a dream
Its been long sense Ive seen,
I feel however full of life -
energy, *****, and ready to ignite
It is the strangest thing
but the things that are strange
is those that are like a dream

You are him;
My dreams are of You.
My minds imagination plays out the days,
Of what we used to know.
The slow paced seconds spent,
In a fast paced world.
All that mattered,
was that we were together-
We had each other.
All I see currently,
Behind my new window of reality,
Are the days spent without you
and how I'd give anything,
to be solely surrounded by just you.
Truth be told,
Your beautiful face Is with me;
Every second of every day,
You are the only thing that lingers
On my imaginative brain.
Of all the smiles,
And every grin I've Come to see,
Not one could ever compare to that of yours.
You are the most handsome of all the men walking this planet,
and to be the one Ive ever Come to have Loved.
Jack, you are my everything,
My entire existence as I know it;
The foundation that fuels my burning passion,
The undying, never denying, blissfully simple,
Sweet like candy, Soft like cotton,
And as astonishing,
as your eyes staring me away on the prettiest of all days;
Forever in my heart,
You my darling
Have truly Won my heart.

to feel what i do
is to count every grain of sand

known to man

to think the way i do
is to count every constallation in the vast dark skY

To respect my different theorys and beliefs, as a person rather than some outsider

makes me content
for
you make me feel as if everything in my worlds alright

how can i let myself be in this same boat
the sharpness
of the same knife
dug so deep;
so slowly
all i feel is pain.
its my fault
im to blame
i need to walk away

Sleep
Its all I want
but never get
I dont deserve the things I want
its self punishment
for being
a discraceful
disgusting

person
who does not deserve a single second of a puff of air
let alone a night of rest.

let it.
make it'
who am i to fake it
all of it is so surreal
you and me.
go together,

like a dimond in the gutter

Is it bedtime ?
or is it just the beginning.
When I am asleep my mind is a movie reel projecting role after role
I feel like my mind is like James Cameron in the production of Titanic.
I dream of the unknown, and the past
I predict the future and contimplate lifes problems best when I am asleep.

I will figure it out, on my own, in my mind
when I crawl under my sheets hit the lights
lay my head down
everynight at bedtime

Respect and Regret
Neglect to forget
pain is hurt
strength is grown
never regret
getting hurt
its all part of the plan